Expressed Suicidal Thoughts

[SomethingsUp]

So my DP has not received money he thought he would before Christmas. He has been extremely subdued since finding out it wouldn't be in the bank until next month. He has also lost his mum September before last, and we've had the usual teething troubles of moving in together, loss of freedom and more financial responsibility.

During a chat we've had he said something about being better off dead, that he's been depressed for a while and what's the point basically. I asked him if I need to take measures to ensure his safety and he didn't answer. He's spent much of today staring in to space.

What can I do, other than remind him what's positive in our lives, that I am here to talk, and that money isn't the be all and end all. I've invited our mutual best friend over tomorrow as she may get more out of him than I can, I think part of his worries include the fact that I just had a bit of a mental health meltdown myself and am awaiting urgent psychiatrist referral. I am coping well though, taking meds which have completely stabilised me.

My DH has talked like this.
My understanding from MH services is that it is much more serious if he has an actual plan of how to do it.

I think it might also help to remind him about times when he hasn't felt like this and how things will feel like that again in the future.

Mind have some good advice on supporting someone expressing suicidal thoughts www.mind.org.uk/help/medical_and_alternative_care/how_to_help_someone_who_is_suicidal

Definitely take him to the GP, he needs professional support. If you can't get him to go speak to your GP and see want help they can offer through the local mental health team.

Hang in there. If all else fails just listen and be sympathetic.

My thoughts are with you. It's a minefield trying to do the " right" thing. My DH has done this a lot recently. My counsellor warned me to guard against becoming his carer ie don't let him make me feel responsible for his decisions or actions. She also assured me that if he does kill himself it won't be because of what I do / don't do or say It's all down to his interpretation of things. Dh is about to be made redundant /early retirement. He's furious his career has been disappointing. He says he has nothing to look forward to - dd will be 21, dd will be 18 and we have a major wedding anniv all in next 3 months. All that is, to him, "nothing".
Not sure what I'm saying except that of course you show him lots of support but you cannot control his thoughts and feelings, they are not your responsibility.

all i can tell you is that feeling like you'd be better off dead or wishing you could go to sleep and never wake up again is not the same as being suicidal. they're feelings that are really common when depressed and overwhelmed.

when really suicidal it's different, it's like not being able to stand being alive a moment longer, hating oneself/life/what if feels like in one's own skin so much that it is unbearable.

as contrary as this may sound i'd say maybe let him be a bit glum for now. watch a sad movie together, cry, cuddle, eat comfort food, let it all out safely. agree god we're having a bit of a shit time of it at the minute aren't we? personally when really depressed and someone starts reminding me of the good times or trying to trivialise how i feel (it feels like trivialising at the time) it just makes me feel very isolated from them and clear that they don't get it.

one of the nicest things someone said to me when i was really down once was that even though i felt like a different person/hated myself/whatever i was still the same person to them and they still loved me as much as ever. and as daft as it sounds the most helpful things people have done for me was go to the shop and get me a packet of my favourite sweets or a beer or something you know? or run me a nice bath and encourage me to get in it or cook me a meal and put it in front of me or make me a cup of tea and roll me a cigarette. i know it sounds daft but?? nothing makes you feel better re: pep talks or grand solutions. a bit of comfort and reassurance that you're still loved and cared for by little gestures can go along way.

sorry if this is useless.

yep as utterly trivial as this sounds for this saturday night i would recommend - sofa with duvet, takeaway and an easy to watch film. no big talking or anything just easy, comfort, company and zero pressure.

Not at all, I've tried encouraging him to have a nice bath, been making him tea and offering to cook him various favourite meals, he's not interested right now. So I've told him I'll give him space to work through how he is feeling and that he can talk to me about anything any time, called a friend round for tomorrow to try to cheer him up and will be just keeping an eye on his behaviour at the moment.

It's scary, and I'm feeling quite shaky myself, but I'm on diazepam which is keeping me pretty stable right now, so I am able to be the strong one right now.

gotta be tough with both of you feeling down. i think you're right to give him a bit of space for now then. have you told him you've invited the friend over? was he keen?

I told him she was coming for a visit tomorrow and that I was going to do a roast dinner. She's recovering from keyhole surgery and had been staying with us for a while as I was looking after her, so it's quite normal for her to spend time here under the guise of looking after her, but actually she's pretty good at reciprocating.

I've had the "better off dead" thoughts before, due to severe depression. I am wary of saying how your DP is feeling but it might help if I give my own experiences. One thing I would definitely say is stop reminding him of the good things. My family tried to do this when I was suicidal and all I heard was "You're being stupid, we're not willing to listen, you think things are bad but you're wrong." I know now of course that what they were doing was trying to make me feel better but being bombarded with reasons why my feelings were invalid really did not make me feel better for one second. I played along at first, agreeing with them and trying to pretend I felt better but in the end I just started avoiding them because I knew they would get annoyed that I still wasn't "over" how I was feeling and that their sage words of wisdom hadn't done the trick.

Luckily my DH was an absolute star. He just listened. He let me be sick. If I wanted to go to bed he said ok, off you go I'll bring you some tea later. If I wanted to be alone, he left me alone. If I wanted to talk endlessly about the same worries over and over he sat and listened for as long as he could, but he made sure to tell me if it got too much for him so I knew that I wasn't harming him, which meant I didn't have to worry about him. Just through talking over and over I came to recognise how disordered my thoughts were. Eventually the terrible fog started lifting but my thoughts were still all over the place so I asked my DH if he would be my "brain" for a little while. I would have a thought, tell it to him and he would tell me if it was sensible or not. So for example, I would say "I'm desperately worried that we're going to run out of money, should I be?" And he would say "no, we have X amount in the bank which isn't much and it's a bit shit but we're definitely not going to run out of money." That would be enough to take care of that thought for a while but I might have to ask him that same question 10 times over the course of a week before the thought finally went away. Like the angel that he is, he just patiently answered the same question every time. Slowly I started to function again and within about 5 months I was back to normal (with the added help of anti depressants). I'm now perfectly fine.

I think the main thing to do is recognise that he is ill. He is not choosing to have the thoughts he has and though they might seem crazy to you they are completely real to him. Don't put pressure on him, just try to be there for him, but as others have said, try not to take responsibility for his feelings or actions. Do what you can to bring him back but if, god forbid, he does take his own life, that will not be your fault. It sounds to me from what little you've said that he's not quite at that point yet.

Has he seen a doctor lately?

it will pass. sometimes just being given permission to feel as you do is so helpful. to have it accepted that for now this is what you feel and you can't change it, can't put a brave face on etc and to still be loved despite it is a big gift. the pressure of feeling someone wants you to be what you cannot or wants to instantly fix you or cheer you up can be unbearable (even though well intentioned).

how are you feeling? you say you've had problems yourself and currently have valium to take which is helping. make sure you keep doing what's good for you too.

the good thing, though impossible to see, is that it does always reach a turning point at some point. suddenly it will seem worth taking a bath, brushing ones teeth, putting clean clothes on. then maybe you can face walking to the shop or making a phone call you've been putting off. slowly little things start to get done and you can feel a small, wobbly, but 'there' sense of forward motion, of being a bit back 'in' life.

hang on in there with him and take good care of you x

(sorry - should add to this - if he ever talks about plans to kill himself, fantasises about ways he'd do it then yy get some help. in counsellor training we were always told this way the cut off point really and the way to tell if it was normal wish you were dead depressive thinking or truly suicidal intent. so we'd be trained to ask, subtly, if they'd thought about how they'd do it or where/when sort of thing. i should also have asked if he had started or stopped meds recently as that can cause increased suicidal tendencies. sorry suddenly thought it was important i should have added this)

hope things are ok today x

Thank you for all your support. He seemed a lot better today, our friend came round and we played games all afternoon. He was smiling and being more positive overall. I am hoping that with support he'll be able to get past this depression. Our friend said he's been more like this since his mum died, so it's obviously a part of his grieving process and I will help him by being around and hopefully being able to keep him from getting back to that place again. Just being gently encouraging, talking about my experience and how it does improve, that he should take some time to feel how he is and giving him space, but also encouraging him with nice things like a bubble bath, a cup of tea, family time, friends visiting and just together time.

somethingsup you sound like a great partner and someone great to have around when times are tough i hope he's supportive of you too when he's able. depression is a funny one (not haha obviously) in that there are subtle little corners that get turned and suddenly you're heading in the right direction again - not as in magically everything is wonderful but little things start getting done, small amounts of pleasure can be felt from those achievements, you can do a bit more etc etc.

but yeah, sometimes, briefly, there's a need to just be let be and accept that down and flat and can't do it is where you're at right now and sometimes just that rest and acceptance is the space that the new shoots described above come out of.

imho and ime.

are you ok? you've never said what is going on with you. i do hope you're getting support too x