Reverting to maiden name during nasty divorce

[dustlandfairytale]

The background is my dh left 6 months ago after I finally found evidence he could not deny over the double life he had been leading for he claims 18 months but I think near 4 years. He had treated me very badly over that time. Since he left he has had virtually no contact with his dc's, 2 of which are grown up and the 3rd still at school refuses to see him saying "why would I want to have anything to do with someone who is such a bad person?" He continues to treat me from afar with contempt. He has not done anything towards us getting divorced other than appoint a solicitor. No letters have been answered, no forms signed etc. My solicitor is finally beginning to get "stuck in" although it now being the Christmas period I cant see anything happening till the New Year. To be fair some of the delay is about obtaining financial information that cant actually be obtained till next month. I could go on with even worse stuff but its not really any more relevant to my question.
I want to sever all links to this man. When he first left I had my wedding ring/engagement ring/eternity!!?!ring valued in a few places and then sold them. My friends thought I was very hasty but it was very liberating. Now I am considering reverting back to my maiden name. I have looked it up and found you can do it on line and it is possible to do it during separation, you don't have to wait for divorce etc. They even send you a pack helping you to inform the right authorities in the right way etc. The thing is, it does seem like it might still be hassle when life is so brimming with hassle. I wondered if any one had done it on here and their experiences? I can imagine it might be worse if you have young children when dealing with school etc etc but it might still be difficult to have a different name to your children whatever age?
The final straw came the other day when his solicitor's finally wrote a letter. (only to say the person dealing with it was on holiday so they couldnt deal with it!) Instead of writing " ref: Mr Fred Blogs and Mrs Wilma Blogs" like my solicitor does, they put ""Mr and Mrs Blogs" as though they were helping us with a bloody house purchase or something. It really riled me.
I would love to hear other peoples experiences on this. I have been Mrs "Blogs" for half my life. Its an annoying surname that people often get wrong but my maiden name isnt exactly simple either.

Legally, you can change your name to joe soap any time you like! . I would go ahead and revert to maiden name, or pick a new one. Children etc will be fine - if you remarry and take new dh name their name will be different. If you had been in married when you had them your name might be different. My ds has a different name to me because I chose not to take dh name. It's fine.

Although if your children are older and are also wanting nothing to do with their father you might find that they want to change names too. A friend of mine did.

I changed my name about 4-5 months after separation. The divorce took a lot longer.

It was nowhere near as much hassle as you think, honest. Banks etc just photocopied it. An afternoons work maybe?

Did it online, and it was delivered within a couple of days - it then just has to be signed and witnessed - job done.

Also, bizarrely, it meant I got money off when I changed DDs name, as I'd used the service before!

Thanks. Its good to know someone has done it without hassle. Did it feel strange, and more importantly did you ever forget when giving your name over the phone etc? I think probably the worse thing would be email address but then thats not the end of the world if you dont change that is it? I wonder if I should mention it to my DC's first, just in case they feel upset at the idea?

No, it didn't feel strange, more a relief that I was back to being 'me'. I never got mixed up.

Is your email just for casual purposes? If so I'd leave it. If it's for work you can change to your new one, and leave an out of office type, automatic reply on your old one explaining the change.

As your DCs are older, I'd discuss it, but in more of a 'this is what I AM going to do' kind of way, rather than asking what they think.

I changed my name back to my maiden name at the first opportunity, very liberating and theraputic. Easy to do and simply a formality. Go for it.

Its interesting you should say about going back to being 'me'. I've been going to counselling since before discovery of the affair and my counsellor pointed out at the last session that during the pre separation time I talked about having lost myself but now I am beginning to use the 'me' word again. It is a relief to be able to go back to being 'me' even with a name I havent used for nearly 26 years! I will go for it after the Christmas break. New Year, new name, new start. I will take your advice and just tell dc's gently over the holiday about my name change plans. I doubt the older two would want to change name as they are now started on their careers but the younger one might.

Thanks rightchoice. It does seem a bit daunting when you think of all the organisations etc that need informing so good to hear further positive experiences.

Good plan. It will be a wonderful journey discovering 'who you are' and 'what you want'. 2012 will be an exciting year for you. You can now spend your first Christmas and New year as you too, even though the formalities will have to wait for a week or two. Congratulations, and well done.

It was very easy, just a series of letter writing. Start making a list of all the organisations that write to you. Utilities, bank, insurance companies, pension, mortgage, etc etc..... When the new year comes you will be ready to rock.

When I did my name change, I typed the wording on parchment paper, got it witnessed by a friend who was a registrar. Copied it several times, and asked each authority what they needed. Most needed a copy only, but the passport office needed the original. This may have changed slightly but with the internet and email you can quickly find out. It truly is only a formality, as mentioned above you can call yourself what ever name you want. Do your passport first maybe. Don't forget driving licence too.

I changed my name within weeks of separation, nearly 2 years ago now and divorce is still not final. My DDs were 9 and 11 and they were absolutely fine with it. To them it made perfect sense that if their parents split mummy wouldn't be Mrs X any more. In terms of dealing with schools, I tend to put (mother) after my name on emails in case they think 'Who are you and why are you emailing us about this child?!'

It's not much hassle to change things, banks etc, but it is 100% worth it to have your own identity back. I wish I hadn't changed my name on marriage now, I didn't want to but his first wife never did and it was a bit of an issue so I felt obliged to .

I was never very comfortable about changing my name either. I dont like his surname anyway although obviously would never saying anything like this to the DC's. I am quite excited about this now but reallly have to wait till the New Year. Thanks for tip about passport rightchoice. I am taking DC's away for Christmas so we dont have to sit at home trying to be cheerful and pretend we are ok. We are going somewhere new and we ARE going to be ok and have fun doing something dh would have never done - go skiing :)

I want to, but my children are young and would rather I didn't

I am also not impressed as the passport office want so much money to change a passport!!

I think I am going to have to put this on hold. I suggested the idea to my most "laid back" DC2 the other day and he was quite, well, not shocked but perhaps startled by the idea. His sister, DC1, is still very very upset by what her father has done. She is living abroad at the moment and it seems to be making things harder for her. It seems akin to taking a plaster off slowly as opposed to the shorter harder pain of DC3 left at home with me. I dont really know how to help her but I know changing my name at this point might well be very upsetting. The only thing I can think of to improve things for her is to be ok myself.

I'm certainly not diminishing the feelings of your DC but they are grown-ups, aren't they? (DC1 and DC2 at least). They may not like it but they are old enough to understand (in time) why it's important to you to reclaim your identity. I would imagine one of the biggest things in their mind is that you are somehow rejecting them by dissociating yourself from their surname - which of course is not your intention at all.

I think Jambalaya said it upthread, you can discuss it in terms of 'this is what I AM going to do' - you do have the right to put yourself first every now and then.

What about setting the ball rolling in settings where they wouldn't be involved, such as at work?

I've never had any problem at school having a different surname from ds (disclaimer: I didn't change my name when I got married). I didn't have the same surname as my Mum from the age of 7 onwards - when she remarried.

Thanks Tribpot for pointing out so clearly why they wouldn't like the idea. I did approach it to DC2 just as Jambalaya said and it was definitely the right way to approach it as he said yes, whatever you want to do or something to that effect. It was just that he seemed to find the whole notion so "out of the blue". It's made me think that we all need to talk more about the changes to our lives now dh has departed to his OW. When I read threads on here I think it almost seems better when children are younger and their parents separate. It isnt of course, there are just different problems! None of mine want anything to do with their father at the moment and of course that is their prerogative, even the 16 year old. It helps me that I don't have to deal with contact arrangements and see their father but it seems so final for them. They have cut him out of their lives not just because of what he has done but because his effort has been pathetic - since he left only one email and a Christmas card/money to DC2 and same plus couple of phone calls from DC1 which I gather have been brief with her putting the phone down on him. DC3 has refused any contact. Sorry, this has drifted on a bit from the practicalities of name changing. This is the very bloody nature of separation and divorce - a constant uphill struggle interspersed with new and unexpected minefields just when you thought you had reached an easier point in the climb!

I changed my name after divorce and it was very easy. Just filled out a feed poll and informed key people- critical ones are passport, driving licence, financial things, council tax, benefits, tax credits. I changed all the others I could remember to do but in the end I just put any post that came in my marital name to one side to remind me to change the name with the relevant companies.

It has caused a bit of confusion at school but I just explain and then ignore it if they get it wrong again. After all a lot of parents are unmarried so it isn't unusual for a child to have a different name to the mother.

It was certainly liberating to change my name after divorce. I did want to change my son's name too but decided that was a battle not worth having.

The only thing I would say is maybe wait til the divorce and financials are fully through as it may inflame your ex further if you do it in the meantime

A friend of mine did it gradually over a couple of years, lets say she was Mrs Smith but originally Miss Jones. She used Ms Jones-Smith for about 2 yrs, then dropped the Smith bit. This formed a nice 'bridge' for everyone to get used to the new name - including her work colleagues, then when she dropped the old married name it really wasn't such a big deal as everyone was used to hearing her original family name - including her dcs, who like yours were technically 'grown up'.

Luckily I never changed mine

dustland - my parents divorced when I was very small, about 3. So I really have no memory of them being together. Easier in some ways of course, but it would be a bit harsh for everyone to get divorced 'just in case' when they have young children . I feel lucky that they both went on to meet new partners who have been part of my life for almost as long as I can remember and I have a large and bewilderingly complicated patchwork family of steps and half sibs to go along with my dbro.

As I'm sure you know, the main thing in any change is for them to feel the complete permanence of your love for them and your place in their lives and vice versa. Shame your ex-H hasn't really cottoned on to this fact ... twunt .

It sounds like you have a very interesting family life, Tribpot. Sucessful extended families such as your set great examples. In our case the OW is only 4 years older than the eldest DC. This puts it into a whole new league of pain, especially I think for DD. She is terrified that OW will get pregnant but there's not a lot we can do to influence that..........I would predict that would then be the end of their relationship but not going to go there in discussions with DD.

Twunt having not "cottoned on" has to be the understatement of my 2011. Its all about him and his narcissism. It seems he would rather lose his children than see, hear and feel the pain he has caused them. He and I have a mutual male friend who left his DW when his children were similar ages. He wants to be very supportive to both of us and has told me he has said to Twunt that if he wants to maintain a relationship with his children he his going to have to "take a lot of shit" and that he is always available for support. This offer sadly was met with silence apparently. Bless him for trying.

As a still married woman you can use your maiden or married name, there is no 'law' to say what you to use and when. I reverted to my maiden name for specific reasons and it was very easy to do. I would do it while you are still married and have your marriage certificate.

First of all change your passport and/or driving license, stating you are reverting to your maiden name (I think there is now space on the passport forms for this). You will need your marriage certificate that shows both of your names, you can then go round banks etc and do the same. I would get several copies of your Marriage certificate.

IME people do ask questions ie why are you changing name etc... they dont need to know, just state you are reverting to your maiden name as you are legaly entitled to do. I say this as I sometimes got the third degree from companies and they demanded my decree whatever (I wasnt getting divorced)

I went back to my maiden name about a year after I split.

Nowhere seems to have an issue with it except for the schools - one school demanded a letter from my solicitor for DDs file (WTF? Jumped up secretary I think) and they have never managed to get my name right and still call me Mrs SamenameasDD and I tell them fairly often and every letter I write to the school I sign in my maiden name.

dustland - yes, I am grateful for my patchwork family, even if I have to carry a chart to explain who the heck everyone is :) I was particularly glad that my parents had maintained a cordial, if strained, relationship with each other and with the other's new partners when I graduated from Uni - I heard awful stories from friends or friends of friends where one parent had refused to attend if the other did, or would only attend if they could sit on the opposite side of the auditorium, or could be guaranteed not to have to speak to the other. Okay, my parents' divorce was very old news by then but some of these were too. Tragic that 20 and 21 year olds were having their first really big day spoilt by recriminations and bickering by people in their forties and fifties :(

It sounds like your ex-H has convinced himself it's 'better' for his DC not to have to see him, meaning easier for him, of course. Sounds like your friend has his head screwed on better, at least.

Still, hopefully by the end of 2012 you will have reverted to your maiden name and be as free as you can be from this man, hurrah!