need help dealing with pils

[Moulesfrites]

I have just come back from a week away with pils and, rather than a relaxing pre Xmas break it was an incredibly stressful experience. I know this is partly down to my own issues and so really need some advice dealing with them.

Bascially, ds, almost 11mo was with us, and I just felt the whole time that I was under scrutiny as to how good a mother I was and it was impossible to relax. Every meal time they sat and watched him like hawks and analysed every mouthful that he ate. Every morning I was interrogated as to how well he had slept the night before. Every poo and fart was commented upon. At one point MIL was concerned that his nappy didn't feel well enough . I just found it so stressful and as if I was undergoing some sort of test the whole time. Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? DH says that they are just loving grandparents who want to be involved and he would rather they were like that than like SIL who barely acknowledged ds the whole time we were there.

Sleep in particular was quite farcical. I have got so fed up with them constantly going on about the fact that ds isn't sleeping through yet that I have sort of, without actually lying, given them the impression that he is, just to get them off our backs. The thing is, not only is he nowhere near sleeping though, he co sleeps with us for half the and bfs through the night. I barely slept for fear that pils would burst into our bedroom and see our sleeping arrnagements and our big lie would be exposed (MIL has form on this so this isn't an entirely irrational fear). They disapprove of co-sleeping and think it is weird and unnecessary that I am still bf, saying it is "just for comfort" which I feel is a bit dismissive as I see having got this far with it as an achievement, but I just ignore her comments now.

It wasn't until some other friends of the family arrived that I realise the extent to which they just see me as some kind of vessel to provide them with a dgs and not a person in my own right. These other friends asked me how I was feeling about going back to work next month, asked me about my kindle and what I was reading at the minute, etc etc. PILs never ever ask me anything like this, everything is to do with ds. FIL even referred to me as "DS'name's mum" at one point, and I wanted to tell him that I do have a name of my own.

Any advice about how to deal with this? Am I being oversensitive?

Anyone?

Does your DH not see a problem with their behaviour? What does he do when they are being rude to you?

They sound like pita PIL's and I think you need to knock this on the head whilst your ds is still young. You are his mother, you will decide what he needs and what's best for him. How does your DH feel about standing together as a united front and refusing to allow them to treat you like this.

No more holidays together. Arrange to meet for a few hours in the day, then go your separate ways.

Well from my point of view, it's a bit of both - they're not being particularly supportive, and you're probably feeling a little sensitive.

I see it with my own dd (she is 23). She worries about what her dp's parents are thinking and she feels 'judged' by them. Yet when I see them together her dp's parents are loving and kind towards her, and a feeling a little out of their depth about how best to interact with her.

It's probably 20+ years since they had little babies in their house and I imagine that they are a bit mesmerised, recalling their own distant experiences and possibly wondering how on earth they managed to cope. Perhaps they are just wondering how you are managing so well.

Or perhaps they are criticising you - if so, it won't go away by you pretending.

So, be the mother, and the parents that you WANT to be. Feel OK about that. And from that point, work out what your relationship with PILs should be.

Hi moules - in a way I think you are a bit over sensitive but I totally understand and have been there with my MIL and SIL who are very close and have chosen to both be SAHMs (they've made a career of being mums IYKWIM-totally cotton willing their kids in view).

I really felt judged on the fact I bf and shock horror chose to work, let them cry for more than 5 seconds in a cot (and ds1 was emcs so I hadn't given birth 'properly') TBH it used to get me down but I've really developed a thick skin and over the years I've developed massive confidence in my abilities as a mother - I have 4 now and have worked in-between both with no family help - I still get nonsense comments (ds4 had diarrhoea the other day according to MIL and she went on and on about it being why he was crying and told the whole family he was unwell). It just made her look clueless in my view - he's 8 weeks and bf so his poo is naturally runny ffs!! I'm quite glib now with my comments now and just speak my mind. I know they don't approve but I care less and I think then they see 'how well adjusted their grandkids are they know deep down nothing is fundamentally wrong.

Ignore,ignore, ignore is my view - have confidence in yourself - your baby so your rules

Cotton wool - not will. Seriously she was still doing all of DHs cooking, cleaning and washing when he was 21!

I think that you are just a bit insecure being a new mum.
You want to get out of the habit of all this discussion and don't engage in it.
e.g. when they ask about his sleeping just say 'fine' and change the subject.
If they come back to it just say 'he will sleep through in his own time' and change the subject. There is no need to discuss sleeping arrangements.
With the eating-just say -'he is better if you ignore him' and change the subject.
Don't feel that you have to discuss things or justify them. Use 'mmm' a lot and change the subject.
With nappies you could just say that you don't want to be 'one of those boring mothers' and it isn't very interesting.
If you don't respond to it all there is no way in for them. Smile and nod a lot!

You're pandering to them by trying to hide things from them. What do you think would happen if they burst into the room and found ds sleeping with you?

1 they would make a fuss there and then, which would wake everyone, including dh, and he would have first hand experience of their interference in a way he couldn't avoid. Then he would have to deal with it.

2 they would creep out and tackle you in the morning. If dh isn't there you simply repeat the mantra "all decisions as to ds's care have been fully discussed by me and dh" until they get the message.

3 they creep out and perhaps ask you a few questions stemming from curiosity as things have changed so much since they had babies.

4 they creep out and don't mention it again.

Whatever did happen, would have been helpful to you. I think you can turn any of the things you've mentioned to your advantage in a similar way.

Next time they call you ds's mum, just say firmly what your name is and ignore their rudeness. It will speak volumes to anyone else.

Never get confrontational-just be none committal, with a smile.

Limit the time you spend in their presence as much as possible and try to have more confidence in yourself. Yes, they're overbearing and annoying but they seem fundamentally to have your DS's best interests at heart so I don't think there's any need to go at them all guns blazing. My PILs were a bit like yours (though not nearly as bad) at first but I just ignored any stupid comments and made them feel silly about any really ridiculous ones and it seems to have worked - they try to keep their comments positive and any negative ones wash over me a lot more. Hiding and pretending is a waste of time and energy, just tell them DS co-sleeps with you and ignore any comments they make about it. If you're happy with your choices then you don't need to defend them to anyone.