Think I'm having a quarter life crisis!

[pombearaddict]

Well, as the title says I'm heading for a quarter life crisis and it sounds funnier than it feels! I turn 30 in March and I'm feeling miserable about it. I got married very young (at 18!) and have 2 children, DS is 3 and DD is 6. I'm feeling quite trapped and unhappy in my marriage and I don't really know why. DH (older than me, 38) is pretty much perfect - successful, handsome, great dad, caring etc. I've recently gone to back studying, in my 2nd year of a degree and he's supporting me through that financially and helping with the children when I have to leave early in the morning.

There just doesn't seem to be any spark between us anymore. We never kiss, hug, hold hands etc. We very rarely have sex, it's been about 3 months since we last did the deed! Neither of us tries to instigate sex, we're as bad as each other and quite often sleep in separate rooms. He is nice to me, says I look pretty, but our relationship feels more like a friendship these days. I respect him and like him as a person but I don't know if I'm attracted to him anymore.

I know I've somehow got to hold it all together for the sake of the children but I don't where I'm going to find the energy from! We have tried speaking about the state of our relationship on numerous occasions but we don't ever end up changing anything in the long term. I've given up talking about it with him as it just makes me more miserable.

I feel like I'm 2 different people at the moment. On the outside I'm a young mum with fantastic children, a great husband, nice home and everything going for me. But on the inside I'm miserable, wishing I had done so many 'normal' things in my twenties instead of rushing into marriage and family. Don't get me wrong, I adore my children and it's not about them, they are the only things in my life that are keeping me sane at the moment!

Hope I haven't rambled on too much and I'm sorry to be so depressing, I'm just so tired of putting on the happy face I need a moment to just be publicly miserable!

It natural to be honest, I was with someone from 19 to 30, I decided at 30 that I had outgrown him, and I had, for women we grow up between the ages of 20 and 30, it may be now that he is no longer what you want for the future.

You have become friends as opposed to lovers and it really depends what you want for yourself for the future as to what you do from here on out.

For me 30 was pivotal and I decided that I didn't want to spend any more time in a loveless, sexless relationship. I wanted romance, fireworks, however with any relationship that does go after a while.

Yup I second fabbychic, I was with my ex from 19-27 and although there were other issues, there was no love and when there was sex, it was a two minute wonder, enough to ponder over whether I was missing eastenders or not. In july this year, I separated. Figured I had wasted enough of my twenties and the thought of being with him for another 5-10 years was awful. I was so depressed the thought of not being here was appealing, though I would never have acted on it, knowing what that does to a family.

I think its interesting that you are feeling like this now you have gone back to studying. For me it was going back to work (may this year), getting a bit of life for myself that didnt involve him or the kids, that made me realise I was still a person in my own right and a miserable one at that! It also gave me my confidence back and made me more independant. I realised I didnt need my ex for anything...and I didnt want him for anything either. Sounds cold hearted and it probably was, but there was just nothing left any more!

You also do not have to hold anything together for the kids. They are perceptive and no matter how much you try to hide it, they will know you arent happy. Shortly after I split from my ex, my eldest said to me, you smile a lot more now mummy, you are happy now arent you? They know a lot more than they let on.

Sparks, you know, can be re-kindled. It sounds rather as if it's the whole wifehood/motherhood thing that has you feeling trapped rather than the nature of the man you married. Since you have children together I'd say it is worth trying whatever it takes to make you feel more content with your life rather than blowing it all apart. Some relationships, of course need blowing apart and the sooner the better, but this doesn't seem like one of those. Sure, life is a bit dull and humdrum at the moment. You've got young children and you're flogging your brain with study. Can you explore ways of fulfilling yourself that don't involve divorce and single parenthood? More exciting stuff you can do as a family, or negotiating "time out" so you can do some crazy things you always wanted to do and don't want to wait for until the DCs grow up? Overseas travel? Hang-gliding?

I'm one of the biggest "leave the bastard" advocates on here, but if he's not a bastard, it's surely worth making the effort to improve your life together rather than apart. As you say you often talk about it but nothing changes in the long term, I'd say "Relate or bust". If he won't go, or after a course of counselling you still can't be happy, then you can make the break with a clear conscience and no-one reasonable would condemn you for it. You sound like two sensible people who would manage to co-parent successfully apart, which is a bonus.