Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Why do i always cry after sex?

53 replies

lolaflores · 16/12/2011 11:30

it creeps up on me moments after making love. big sobs from the bottom of my guts. and today, I just can;'t stop crying. Our sex life is curtailed by my back problems, so any chance we get to have a go is a big moment. then I end up snivelling and so on. Any explanations gratefully received.

OP posts:

HugosGoatee · 18/12/2011 01:14

Wabbit

I giggle after during orgasm.
I giggled when DH proposed and he complained I didn't cry
He threatened divorce seriously if I giggled at the birth of our fresh little baby. Luckily for us both I did manage to shed a little tear at that one

sakura · 18/12/2011 01:15

WTFlike, no need for personal attacks. That's always the last resort of someone who can't respond to an argument.
Instead of throwing around insults, how about attempting to answer the questions I posed in my last post eh?

ColdTruth · 18/12/2011 01:32

I suppose the key question here OP is what are you feeling when you cry?

colditz · 18/12/2011 01:38

I laugh uncontrollably and shout "Whhhooooooooooooooooweeeeeeee!"

And I don't think crying is any less strange, or less appropriate.

3rdOneComingUp · 18/12/2011 04:03

I sometimes cry after orgasm, but only when i am deeply unhappy in my life and the hormone surge means that i can't control it. That would be my answer to you.

When i'm happy, there are no tears!

ohbugrit · 18/12/2011 06:16

There have been threads like this before.

I, and many others, cry after sex. It's a positive crying.

Original poster

lolaflores · 18/12/2011 09:14

the tears feel hard and sore. sex is not an assualt for me in the context of my marriage, but it has been a nasty place in the past. it is a double edged sword. i feel like I am doing the emotional side and he is purely into the biochemistry. his emotional part of the act is not present, I feel very alone emotionally in sex. it feels empty sometimes and he would not agree with me but his need for sex is physical as is mine, but there is little affection. we show affection in different ways or caring for each other, going out of our way for one anothe. but if feels a bit forced a one upmanship game. a bigger gesture of sacrafice than you. but please don't ask me to tell you how I feel or cuddle you or jut be.

OP posts:

Conflugenglugen · 18/12/2011 11:40

sakura - perhaps the reason why the "why" isn't being addressed is because we cannot know. In the same way that I feel that the writer you quote is making a gross generalisation, we can only generalise here, or bring our own experiences.

As an aside a) we cry for different reasons, not all of them pain; and b) as a woman, I, too, love to fuck a man.

CupOfGoodCheer · 18/12/2011 11:49

Sakura I really think you have a wrong and very sad view of men and sex.

CupOfGoodCheer · 18/12/2011 11:51

OP after your last post I'm not surprised you cry.

It sounds like a very lonely sort of relationship that you have, in some ways. If I just thought I was being fucked, for want of a better way of putting it, I would cry too...

CupOfGoodCheer · 18/12/2011 11:53

I feel I should explain that last sentence better - if my DH was having sex with me in a cold and unemotionally available way, and I felt as if I could be anyone really as he just needed the physical release, then sex would make me feel very lonely and used in the relationship. I think that each time I experienced it and felt that disattachment from DH, it would make me very sad and I would cry.

OneHandFlapping · 18/12/2011 11:59

Post coitum anima tristis est - After sex, the soul is sad.

I've no idea where this quote comes from, but it's a well known, if not particularly common phenomenon. Both men and women experience it, although men are less likely to cry when sad, so it's more likely to go unnoticed.

Conflugenglugen · 18/12/2011 12:51

OneHandFlapping - one of the possible explanations for this phenomenon is a psycho/spiritual one: That we finally realise, in the afterglow, that we have not been able to achieve that permanent state of oneness that the soul so loves.

RandomMess · 18/12/2011 12:53

Well LolaF after your last post I'm not surprised you cry, you're giving yourself emotionally and he isn't. That is desperately sad and heartbreaking, been there and it has made me cry too - it's like the epitomy of misery - the high of the orgasm against the unbelievable searing pain of the "aloneless".

Original poster

lolaflores · 18/12/2011 13:09

Yes RandomMess. that is it exactly. and it is not even bitter sweet. or perhaps I am the problem not him. this thread has upset me so much. in a good way. but I know that it is a problem not able to discuss with him

OP posts:

RandomMess · 18/12/2011 16:23

I need emotional vulnerability both ways in a relationship, it sounds like you are not getting any emotional vulnerability from him in your relationship at all

gremlindolphin · 18/12/2011 16:34

It called "post-coitus tristus" I think.

ReduceRecycleRegift · 18/12/2011 17:46

sakure have you never cried in happiness, great relief etc?
although that's not the case for the OP given recent posts, the crying I've had after sex was a good type of crying. There is such a thing, its like relief after being tense for so long (as it only happens when life is very tense anyway and sex lets some of it go)

Original poster

lolaflores · 18/12/2011 17:49

he is emotionally tighter than a ducks arse nothing escapes. we end up in stand offs because I need more from him, he doesn't realise it untill I start sending heavy artillery over the compound. it makes me seem very needy but my other option is a slow sort of mummification.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 18/12/2011 17:54

Well some advice I'm taking myself is couples therapy, not with relate but with a recommended therapist that may involve both individual as well as joint therapy. My dh is only tighter than a ducks arse when he is struggling to cope with life, turns into the vicious circle you are describing, it has slowly been killing me - I have become very depressed as a result and something needs to chage or we will end up splitting.

CupOfGoodCheer · 18/12/2011 17:59

My ex was incredibly emotionally "frozen". In the end I couldn't live with it anymore, and it turned out that he had wanted out of the relationship for a while and had just never said anything. Even the day I left he couldn't really tell me exactly what was going on in his head. I still don't know why he wanted to split.

Dfiancee is completely the opposite - wears his heart on his sleeve, wants to talk about everything, tells me he loves me all the time. Its so refreshing.

Maybe you need to think about whether you can live with this emotional unavailability long term?

BertieBotts · 18/12/2011 18:17

That sounds really hard :( I also had an ex who was emotionally cold - it caused so many problems in our relationship in the end that it was unsustainable.

I've had both, BTW - the crying from some sort of release, where there was something else bothering me and it kind of let that out, and it felt good and kind of clean, and I was very glad that DP was right there holding me. And then (with my ex) the kind of crying which is because the sex (and the relationship) felt so empty and I was sad, almost grieving about that.

Sex is empty, for me, without the emotional connection being there. It just took getting out of that relationship to realise that was the problem for ages, I really thought I had some kind of emotional/psychological problem with sex.

babyhammock · 18/12/2011 20:29

I thought what sakura said was really interesting.

This too from Bertie: Sex is empty, for me, without the emotional connection being there. It just took getting out of that relationship to realise that was the problem for ages, I really thought I had some kind of emotional/psychological problem with sex.

I never felt so alone as when I was having sex with my ex.

BertieBotts · 18/12/2011 21:45

I wonder if it's different having, e.g. being single and having a one night stand where you're both aware that it's purely physical, than when you're in a relationship and there's this expectation that there should be an emotional connection, even if you're aware that your partner isn't emotional in that way, it's almost like you need it on a soul level. I've never actually had a one night stand so I don't know whether there is a difference for me, but I have a nagging little feeling that this is why I fail at having casual/fuckbuddy type relationships.

BertieBotts · 18/12/2011 21:46

OP, I hope you are okay. It's not a nice thing to realise :(

Flip

1 2 3