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Original poster

hate being touched

18 replies

Hedwigthethird · 15/12/2011 17:40

Since my son was born six years ago, I hate being touched. I used to be very very tactile but now I can't stand being stroked. I still enjoy the intercourse bit of sex, but it's difficult getting going without any foreplay. Hypnotherapy helped a bit but that soon wore off. Still love hugs and this doesn't affect relationship with son, but obviously not great for my marriage. Anyone with similar experiences or any genuine insights?

OP posts:
duvetdayplease · 15/12/2011 20:27

Hi, sorry to hear you're having difficulties. I think the key is to get to the bottom of why you don;t like it anymore - Are you stressed? Too busy so begrudge the time? Upset/angry about something?

I find it much harder since I had my youngest (he was really ill so I was horribly stressed and almost couldn't bear to relax).

In what way do you hate being touched - does it feel uncomfortable/tickly/boring or is it just an emotional dislike?

Sorry to bombard you with questions - I'm genuinely interested as I am not always finding it easy either, even though my anxiety seems better in many ways this aspect has stuck a bit.

Original poster
Hedwigthethird · 16/12/2011 12:03

Thanks duvetdayplease. If only I knew! I had a difficult birth and then mild PND and I suspect it all stems from that time. It's as if a switch was flipped. The hating being touched is a really strong, hard-to-control feeling of revulsion, almost fear - I've been asked if I've been sexually abused but there's nothing like that, and I'm not scared of my husband! I do also find it hard to relax since becoming a mother, which definitely doesn't help. It may be about not wanting to lose control, be abandoned, when I spend most of my time trying to hold things together, be in control. I look back on my tactile days hardly able to believe it was me - sad really, I would really like to sort this for my sake and husband's - it's v tough on him. Sorry to hear your son was so ill - hope things are OK now. Interesting to hear this aspect has stuck for you too.

OP posts:
duvetdayplease · 16/12/2011 19:39

Hi, yes my son is perfect now, thank you. I know what you mean about a switch. I feel like an utterly different person than I did before the birth.

I wonder if you have managed to find anyone to talk to about it all? I found it hard to find anyone who really understands sex/intimacy issues, I saw a general counsellor but couldn't talk to him about it (he was the age of my dad so it just felt odd!)

I have recently seen a birth trauma counsellor and she has advised it takes a lot longer than many people like to admit to get back to feeling fully sexual again. She has done some interesting exercises to find out where I was holding tension in my body etc. I have noticed a slight relaxing of some of the tension just over the last couple of months.

I know what you mean about trying to stay in control, there's so much to juggle, it's hard to just switch into a relaxed mood after a full-on day.

PeppermintPasty · 16/12/2011 21:13

I think I may be a bit like this Hedwig. I'd be interested to hear people's theories on this thread about this stuff. I have an almost 5 yo, and after he was born things were ok, but after my DD (20 months) was born it's all gone a bit wrong. I don't want anyone else, but sometimes(most times) I cringe at the touch of my DP. I'm trying to work out why, it's like I've gone numb, and I feel very bad indeed for him.

angelintraining · 16/12/2011 22:55

im new on here so dont really know all the abreviated words, but its a relief to hear that im not the only one who has this problem! although i cant say i have a solution for you but seeing other peoples msgs make me feel abit more normal i suppose?!!
i have had a problem with being touched since my 1st son nearly 10yrs now.

Original poster
Hedwigthethird · 16/12/2011 23:07

PeppermintPasty sorry to hear you're experiencing something similar. Duvetdayplease, first I saw a cognitive behavioural therapy counsellor who put it down to the trauma of the birth - I think that's probably right but it seemed too simplistic ('tell yourself your DP isn't going to hurt you' - well, I already knew that!) and didn't help. Then I saw a hypnotherapist who again put it down to birth trauma plus failure to relax. That definitely helped but the positive effects wore off when I stopped the sessions, after which I felt a bit stuck. I should probably go down that route again. It's hard to fully confront the fact that I no longer feel sexually drawn to my DP (we had a very good sex life before we became parents). It's almost as if the chemistry between us has changed, literally. I read somewhere that some mothers transfer their physical feelings to their children (not in a sexual way), and I wonder if it's something to do with that . . .

OP posts:
Original poster
Hedwigthethird · 16/12/2011 23:12

angelintraining, thanks, yes it is a relief to know we are not alone, even if we can't offer solutions! Suspect this sort of problem is more common than is realised. Hopefully just raising it might shed a bit of light . . . Thanks for all your replies.

OP posts:
duvetdayplease · 16/12/2011 23:17

Hedwig - I am glad you posted your OP. I am feeling a bit sad but also less lonely knowing I'm not the only one with an issue of this sort.

I wonder if you could be on to something about transferring feelings - I felt when my son was so ill that all that mattered was him not dying. I literally couldn't have cared less if I'd had legs amputated. It's been a long road back to caring about me at all. Sex or intimacy often feels like I am being dangerously frivolous, as if I am neglecting my duties to be vigilant.

Original poster
Hedwigthethird · 16/12/2011 23:25

Duvet, I can hardly imagine how awful it must have been for you when your son was so ill. I didn't have anything like that to deal with, but what you say about needing to be vigilant and not neglecting duties still strikes a chord with me - I felt like that all the time when my son was a baby and although I'm not stressed like that any more, perhaps it's a habit of mind it's hard to get out of. Sorry to have raised sad feelings but glad you're feeling less lonely - me too.

OP posts:
duvetdayplease · 16/12/2011 23:33

The experience of becoming a mum is so shattering itself - I think normal birth is really traumatic in many cases and the new responsibility so shocking.

I'm glad you're a bit less lonely too. Always nice not to be the only non-sexing weirdo isn;t it???!

LadyMedea · 17/12/2011 00:10

It sounds like you might have developed sexual aversion. I developed this after a big trauma with my DH. I didn't understand what it was for ages, I just didn't want him to touch me, and if he did I'd flinch or recoil. If I pushed through the reaction and we went on to have sex it was fine. Google it, you might find it helps having a name for it... If you think it fits your experience.

Unfortunately other than CBT (either with a therapist or working on your own) its just a case of mind over matter - which actually is the heart of CBT.

I wanted to get past the trauma so I just started o psyche myself up, and act how I wanted to act rather tan how I reacted from habit.

Good luck....

LivingDead · 17/12/2011 00:48

Could it be a bit of touch overload? I have 3 children and for the last 8 years have basically had one or more people touching me or clambering on me or sticking elbows in me......you get the idea, at most times of the day.

I don't feel as strongly as you but sometimes Dp hugging me or touching me at all is too much, it's all just too much and I need space, both mentally and physically.

Hope you get to the bottom of it.

Original poster
Hedwigthethird · 19/12/2011 22:16

Thanks LadyMedea. Any advice (from anyone) on how to find a good CBT therapist?
LivingDead, thanks - I know exactly what you mean but think I'm probably past that stage now.
Thanks very much for all the responses.

OP posts:
LadyMedea · 19/12/2011 23:01

CBT is often offered on the NHS so talk to your GP to see if they'll fund it and what the waiting times are.

If your happy going private the BABCP are the professional body so you can search their register as they all have to be qualified. Best thing you can do is give them a ring and have a chat about the issues first to see if you might get on with them, then have an initial session and take it from there. If you don't like them you can always try someone else!

Good luck!

Original poster
Hedwigthethird · 02/01/2012 18:34

Thanks LadyMedea. Would also be interested to know if anyone else has any experience of hypnotherapy for this kind of issue? It definitely worked for me but the problem seemed to creep back after a while.

OP posts:
RudolphthePinkNosedReindeer · 02/01/2012 19:18

I have AS (I think) and have varied over the years with how I like to be touched. Light touches are sometimes excruciating! Firm yet gentle works best for me. Have you tried varying the touches? Does it make a difference where you are touched?

Original poster
Hedwigthethird · 03/01/2012 17:53

Hi Rudolph. Light touch is also worse for me. As to where, the worst place is my tummy - weird, when I used to love being stroked there but now I can't stand it. Would be interested to hear any more insights.

OP posts:
RudolphthePinkNosedReindeer · 03/01/2012 19:57

Worst for me the sides of my waist and sometimes back and buttocks. I have a theory that it could also depend on my recent fantasy life.

Where is better/alright for you? Would your partner agree to experiment while keeping it non-sexual and 'un-threatening' sort of thing?

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