Should I stick at this relationship

[lovelydogs]

for the sake of DD? Which basically all it is now, I fear. My boyfriend is not my DD's dad but has been in our lives for 7 years (DD 10) He is a good, hardworking man who has done very well in his job and has good points, we get on most of the time but sometimes (seems to be a lot recently) he insults and offends me (not on purpose apparantly) and expects me to accept this without a reaction. When I do react he is dismissive and makes me feel oversensitive and a bit foolish. Which is another question, maybe I am? Please give me your take.

We were Christmas shopping last weekend when we were in M&S he said "Oh joy this brings back memories" I asked "Does it? What of"?
Him "Don't you remember, a couple of years back, you and your inappropriate dress sense love"? I'm a little surprised as I really think my dress sense is fine and he's never told me he had a problem with it before. I asked for specifics but he couldn't remember exactly but mentioned "A little too fleshy"

I am now shocked as none of my clothes are 'fleshy' and above all if we had an argument of this nature I'm sure it would've stuck in my mind (Going down as one of his bad points) I do not appreciate advice of this nature and dress how I please. (Which, strangely, is not fleshy!!)

We carry on shopping but it plays on my mind, I want specifics, what dress etc, he is now fed up that I am irritated (So it's ok for him to offend but I'm not allowed to react) and snaps and says "Oh just give it a rest love" and "Are you still going"? When I get crosser (I really am shocked that he thinks my dress sense inappropriate and fleshy, we're in M&S FFS) and tell him, probably in an emotionally charged voice "You've upset me can't you understand that"? He finally sighs and rolls his eyes.

I feel like it's the last straw. It seems so trivial written down doesn't it? Is it? Am I hard work? Over sensitive?

Since then I have been stewing. He has forgotten and is completely fine. Typical. Things like this are happening more and more frequently. Why?

I also wondered about the struggling financially while he is free to spend his cash. And the fact that it is OK for HIM to ask for expensive present, but you are only supposed to ask for something cheap, especially when he's the one with all the cash.
Do you live together or seperately? I can understand the seperate finances if he lives in his own place, although my DP lives seperately from me and he would never watch me struggle financially while he spent on expensive treats for himself.

He is a cock.

Why would you stay with someone who is so eager to shower you with contmpt, and unwilling to acknowledge how it makes you feel?

So he thinks it's ok for him to say what he wants, regardless of how it makes you feel, and if you get upset it's your problem. Is he incredibly thick-skinned, or just thick? He doesn't care if he upsets you. He sounds an arse.

"The difficult bit is it's not constantly miserable. There are ok times. Never great laughing amazing times but maybe normal times".

Abuse like you're experiencing is insidious it its onset and its of no real surprise that you are doubting yourself here. If these men were awful all the time, no woman would want to give them the time of day.

I fear too that you are being emotionally abused here as well as being controlled.

Where do you see yourself in a years time; still with this man?, Now look at the next 5, 10 , 20 years after DD has left home. What then?.

Abusers as well can do nice/nasty very well but its a continuous nice/nasty cycle. You have subconsciously modified your behaviour over the years to fit in with him and his wants which are way above yours and always will be.

He is no decent partner or stepfather to your DD; what you are teaching your DD now is that his treatment of you is acceptable to you. She is learning from you both about relationships; he is also imparting damaging lessons to her.

lovelydogs

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

He treats you with contempt.

maybe he was thinking of someone else and got you muddled up

but tbh it sounds a daft thing to get upset about and go on and on about to the point that you wind yourself up and get tearful

just say no sorry dont remember that, you must be thinking of someone else love and move on to the frozen peas

He does sound very patronising, and that would iritate the life out of me. I would tackle him on this and ask him to show you a little more respect.

Ask him to let you know in what ways he considers himself your superior, his answers/reaction may make you come to a decision about your relationship!

Yes, OP. Listen to the other wise ones here. I just dumped someone after two years who sounds EXACTLY the same.

He was a moaner.
Said derogatory comments a lot the told me he was "Joking"
Spoke over me.
Deliberately ignored me when I wanted to discuss something.

Have a good think and write a list as they are very very subtle and make you feel as if you're going mad.

It's not you! It's him.

Could you maybe ask for some time apart whilst you do this.

He doesn't sound like a very nice person at all.

He sounds patronising, selfish, and full of his own self-importance. I think the real question you should be asking is "Should I leave this man for my sake and for dd's sake?" It doesn't sound as though he brings anything positive to your lives.

I also notice that there is nothing in your post about his relationship with your dd - only that he has been in her life for 7 years. No "Dd adores him and thinks the world of him" or "they have such a close bond".

He sounds horrible. He knows you're broke, doesn't share his money with you, then wants you to buy him presents.

I would say your daughter would be relieved if he left. Sounds like you wouldn't notice a financial difference, either - you might be better off.

Have you thought how how it would be if you left? Does your heart lift at the thought? Do you think you'd miss him?

Eye-rolling is the worst non-violent insult that a person can make to their partner! Big Red Flag here! Good Luck, OP!

Thanks all, sorry I didn't get back. Have read all messages of course and I took the advice of making a list. Again, most things sound trivial alone but combined make a pretty miserable package. The recent little things consist of calling women who wear short skirts and high heels "Slappers". Which I detest and he knows it. Getting the royal hump when I look at shoes/boots with a heel higher than an inch and flouncing out of the shop after the ridiculous comment "What are you joining the spice girls now"?

A slightly bigger issue, he has just spent £7000 on himself as a treat and is toying with the idea of spending a further £4000. On a recent supermarket trip we picked up a new duvet, half price at £25 as ours is in shreds. (Dogs, not kinky sexual activity!) My daughters is also in shreds, far worse than ours in fact so I put one in for her too promising to give him the money. I had left my purse in the car else I would have just purchased it myself. I asked for the keys so I could go and get it he said don't bother just give me the cash, "And I want it back I'm not a duvet donator" which tbh I found a bit cuntish. I really don't mind purchasing my own daughter her duvet it's just his attitude I find odd. Maybe I'm expecting too much from a non biological father?

seems like hes out to show you up in public in marks and spencers. and tapping away at your selfesteem id show him up and talk about his manhood if hes making you misarable dump him.

No you are certainly not. That is tight beyond belief. You have been involved for 7 years, your DD has known him most of her life, you and she come as a package.
My DP is not my daughters biological father. We have been together 9 years, we choose to live seperately as we both like our space, but enjoy seeing each other too. He would NEVER treat me or my DD like that. we have a DS together, but even before that he still would never have done that. if something in the house is needed, he buys it. Only 2 days ago we were due to go ou for my mum's birthday and he couldnt make it. He still gave me the money to pay for our share of the meal for all 3 of us, despite him not being there. He did buy himself his dream car (certainly nowhere near the £7000 'treat' of your man) BUT he also kept his old car to give to me when mine dies, paid all the MOT work, and recently paid for me DD and DS to have a holiday because I had helped him with alot of admin work for his family. I do pay for stuff too, he's certainly not my cash cow!! Im just demonstrating how a man who is 'with' you doesnt question or quibble about the running costs of being together.
The comments about other women, or snidy remarks about your clothes/boots choices are completely unacceptable. My OH doesnt particularly like those super pointy toes on shoes - he thinks they are funny looking, but he wouldnt make any nasty comment if I wore them, or strop off in a sulk any more than i would if he wore something which is his choice but not my particular taste. It shows a lack of respect. And the storming off shows that its NOT a joke.

do you live together? Does he contibute proportionally to the household costs?

He sounds awful, OP.

This latest incident really does answer the question in your OP, doesn't it? Should you stay for DD's sake with a man she's used to having around but whose only thought when she needs a duvet is to get the money back as soon as possible, even though it's small change to him? Not "Here, buy the best one in the shop, call it an extra Christmas present to her and throw in a nice new quilt cover into the bargain", but "hurry up and pay me back". It's not about money or things, it's the absence of any caring, sharing impulse. Is there any noticeable sign that he actually gives a shit about either of you? No, you can't count his rudeness about your clothes, that is not worrying that someone else will lure you away if you look too nice, it's insulting!

God he sounds awful OP.
He's condescending, scornful, mean, rude and he ridicules you, yet you are expected to accept this shoddy treatment and not question it or stand up for yourself?! Bollocks.
Bollocks to that and bollocks to him. Life is too short!

If you live together and he's effectively your dd's stepdad, then he shouldn't grudge her a duvet - what about being a family? What about sharing? Treating her bedding as your problem alone seems weird.

He sounds like a nasty person, certainly not the sort of man one would want raising their child or sharing their life.

So no, I would not stick at this relationship, to answer your original question

Would you like to see your grown daughter in a relationship like this?

She is learning how love and relationships should be from the example you set her

Leave for her sake

Sorry I cant get on here as often as I'd like to. Thank you to everyone who bothered enough to care, it really helps. Thank you especially Attilathemeercat, everything you said makes sense. and of course everyone else who answered. It's such a difficult situation, more complicated than I've gone into detail here, but I've thought about it so long and as someone said, I would not be happy if this was my daughter in the same situation.

I told him tonight how unhappy I am and that it is over, in no uncertain terms. Astoundingly, as I have had a few glasses of wine he really isn't taking me seriously. He is almost humouring me and expects me to be completely different in the morning. I really wont be though. More things have happened since I posted and as someone said, confront him and see what his response is, that'll give you your answer, and after all these years his answer made me sob, I am so unhappy and told him so. But he still belittlesme and thinks I'll change my mind. Well I wont. I think I can find real love in time, someone who really cares who isn't just interested in control.

Anyway, thankyou so much to everyone who replied, sorry I have been crap at replying but I have been listening!

Hi lovely haven't posted on this thread before but have been following it.

I'm not one of the 'leave him' brigade but imo you've done completely the right thing. He sounds like a controlling pain in the arse. You're doing you and your dd a huge favour. The fact that he isn't taking you seriously is proof.

Stay strong. :)

Haven't posted, as have just read the thread, but good on you OP, and stay strong!