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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

More WWYD - comment by exH to my mother.

13 replies

Dillydaydreaming · 14/12/2011 19:43

My exH and I have been separated for 4 years but maintain an amicable relationship for our DS (9).

My exH lives 170 miles away
Our son is autistic with ADHD so can be very hard work day and night.
DS can at times display some very challenging behaviour - so much so that I am physically and mentally exhausted at times.

At the weekend exH was here (I let him stay in the spare room when he has work in the area so he can see DS).
I had done friends for dinner and my Mum was here too.

After dinner exH drove my Mum home and suggested that some of DS's behaviour was "attention seeking as Dilly is always on the PC or iPad".

My Mum was too shocked to respond, says he didn't say it in a nasty way but in a friendly but patronising jokey tone!

Now when ex stays I tend to mentally have "time out". I might use the PC, play around with the phone or simply have a bath and early night leaving ex to sort out DS.

On the whole I don't have time to sit with the PC, iPad (actually do not have one of these any more) or get the chance of an early night.
I am very pissed off that exH is saying stuff like this. The other thought which occurs is "if he says such stuff to my Mum then what on earth does he say to his friends and family about me"?

So am about to send the following email - should I?

I no longer have an iPad

I rarely have time to use the PC except when you are around.

Despite jokes - I equally do not have much time to play around with the phone (except when you are here).

Therefore I seriously doubt that any of DS behaviour is due to simple "attention seeking at times because Dilly's on the PC or iPad".
Yes he attention seeks but he does that regardless of what I am doing.

Watch what you are saying to people because it gets back to me

Dilly.

OTT? Not worth it? Or not strong enough?

OP posts:

namechangerbat · 14/12/2011 19:45

Don't bother.

Don't let him stay in your home either.

NatashaBee · 14/12/2011 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

anothermum92 · 14/12/2011 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

baubleybobbityhat · 14/12/2011 19:53

Forget all about it. He is your ex. Sending that email will make you and your mum look utterly daft. Next time he stays with you grit your teeth and spend no time at all on your phone/pc. Just to pull the rug from under his feet.

Original poster

Dillydaydreaming · 14/12/2011 20:25

Thanks for comments, I have not sent it. Don't want to cause a row as he will be here at Xmas.
Proper visits start in the New Year thank goodness. He will stay here and I will go away!

OP posts:

SarkyWench · 14/12/2011 20:30

If he:
A) believed that was true
And
B) was a decent human being
Then he would be making changes to his life to help his son and not whinging to your mother.

ninah · 14/12/2011 21:28

Since you have care 24/7 unless ex is staying, have a proper break when he is there. Sounds to me as if he needs to spend some time alone with ds and doing the day to day stuff to get where you are coming from.
I hope you don't routinely cook for him ... it sounds like he's having a mini-break and can return full of self congratulation at what a fab father he is for having maintained contact
or am I just bitter

tallwivglasses · 14/12/2011 22:37

I'd be tempted to email what Sarky said.

HoudiniHissy · 14/12/2011 22:42

No, no no no no! DO NOT let that man stay in your house.
Not after that comment.

Tell him he stays in a B&B or a travel lodge.

How the FF dare he?

Don't send the email. Ignore it for now.

But WHEN he mentions coming to stay again, tell him "NO. It's not appropriate. You slag me off to my mother, all unfounded bollocks, you find yourself somewhere else to steal oxygen from."

FabbyChic · 14/12/2011 22:49

Id send the email so he knows you know.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 14/12/2011 23:26

Can't you just talk to him about it?
He should have spoken to you first if he had concerns, rather than to your mum.
But obviously it's in your son's best interests if you sort this out and stay on amicable terms.

Beamur · 14/12/2011 23:35

Is it better for your son for the visits to be at your house?

SolidGoldStockingFilla · 15/12/2011 00:37

OK, have a think (because you know this man better than randoms on the internet do) - is on of the reasons you binned him because of constant sly little 'only joking' digs at you? If so, well done: it's not something you should just put up with. The thing is, while its good to try to keep things amicable when you are separated, it's easier to do so if your XP is an ok person who just wasn't compatible with you/the relationship ended due to one person preferring a new partner. If XP is a controlling bully, it's actually better to reinterpret 'amicable' as 'civil with firm boundaries.' So he is no longer welcome to stay over in your house, and when he visits DS, he is in sole charge and you are elsewhere.

Flip