Partly venting, partly asking for advice.

[DifficultChristmasVisit]

So... DP's mother invited herself for Christmas. I have posted a couple of times (under different names - her issues are so distinctive that even reading two or three could ID us) about DP's Mum and how badly this has affected him. In a nutshell she is emotionally/psychologically abusive. I don't want to out us so won't give specifics. She has also invited herself to stay for Christmas and arrives tomorrow. I will only be here until just before Christmas (long-standing commitment with my family, DP was also invited but a) we can't house his Mum as well, b) he never wants them to meet and c) I told DSis what she was like and DSis said if she was going, DSis wasn't). I have arranged a full itinerary and ironed out every conceivable problem I can think of.

DP won't cut her off (I suggested, after a particularly bad episode, that he should just stop contact but he says she'll just hassle him. He also feels bad because she has isolated herself from both sides of their family and his Dad died not so long ago).

Does anyone know the best way to support DP through this please? The problem arises, aside from the mental damage she does, in that his coping mechanism is something that will cause him long-term problems (not drugs) and something that I hate. He didn't do it when we got together but I have found out since that every time she speaks to him/sees him, he drifts back (started up again after his Dad died). I don't want to say what it is because I posted before (a while ago, different forum) and the thread became about my dislike of it, rather than how to help him overcome it. He is a smart man, knows it's damaging but has done it for so long in response to her (he's 41) that it seems to be instinctive.

I feel like a bitch because she is a vile woman and I don't blame him for wanting to do it but OTOH I, selfishly, want him around for a few more years! I also feel that if I somehow found the 'magic'/a better emotionally supportive response he wouldn't need to do it. This is so weird for me to comprehend, though I think/hope I am better at helping him now: I come from a very close and loving family and had a hard time believing that anyone could treat their child in this blatant, OTT way (not the abuse as such, but the way she does it).

I'd also like to use this thread to come and have a vent over the next few days. My closest friend, also DP's closest friend, who knows what is going on (he is v private) is going back home so I can't talk to anyone IRL without breaking his need for privacy. TBH I wouldn't want to talk about it IRL - the things she does are so outlandish even our friend had a hard time reconciling it with the sweet old lady she presents as publicly.

I think maybe I'm asking for some ears when she does get here and some links/recommendations for things I (and maybe DP, although he's not much of a reader - I would have to read out loud to him) could read to help me/us understand how to cope with her please.

Wow, that's long. Sorry!

Your poor DP. I don't mean to be harsh but I'm surprised you're leaving him alone with her, given that you know the effect she has on him. That said, I do think your DP needs to recognise what a malignant influence she is in his life and cut her off. Until he does that there's very little you can do to help other than to be there to support him. There's no magic bullet I'm afraid - he needs to be the one to see what needs to be done (ie tell her to fuck off) and do it.

In your shoes I would sit DP down, say you are unwilling to put up with the effect his mother has on him and your relationship, that you want him to come with you for Christmas and to tell his mother to get lost. If he is unwilling to do that then perhaps you need to question him on why he's putting an abusive psycho's needs ahead of yours. That might wake him up.

I've been trying for the last six months (since I met her in person) to convince him to spend Christmas with us. He won't because of what she will do (verbal abuse, screaming, not talking, then calling to scream more). He says he just wants a hassle-free life. I have pointed out that giving in to her is just as hassle-free and has the bonus of coming with this damaging coping mechanism (which also makes me fucking furious because hasn't she damaged him enough?). Ultimately it is his decision.

I can't spend Christmas with him for a variety of reasons. I feel bad leaving them but have arranged a whole itinerary to cover when I'm away. She's also leaving on the 26th so it won't be for too long. She only invited herself last month (previously she was visiting when I was there then travelling back to their country with him - at least in their country he has friends who watched him grow up with her and can provide an outlet, here a lot of our friends are going to their families, don't know what she's like and he's also playing host so can't walk out like he wants to - we did end up just walking off when we visited at one point when she got too much).

giving into her is just as hassle-ridden I meant

It sounds like you've tried all you can then. Like I say, he is the one who needs to recognise the damage she does to him, you can't force him to wake up to it.

Unless your DP's coping method is dangerous to others or seriously illegal, don't start picking at him about that as well as everything else he has to cope with. I am under the impression from what you have posted here that his coping method is having a fag and I don't blame him.
His mother does sound horrible but at the same time he is an adult and it is up to him not you how much he sees of her.

Well she's here and she's only been U twice! For her she's been extremely friendly and I'm feeling guilty for feeling uncharitable. OTOH she did start shouting at DP within ten minutes of us picking her up (Unreasonable Moment #1)

SolidGold I have never tried to restrict how much he sees of her. Until I met her I was actually encouraging him to see her more - not realising exactly what she is like. I only asked him why he still kept in contact with her once after she did something really hurtful and he was spitting mad with fury and upset.

She's only commented on my clothes/appearance once, which is a vast improvement from last time. She's a totally different, much slimmer (although I'm a curvy 10 so hardly overweight) build and does like to comment on it... I wish I could turn around and point out that she's a wealthy retired lady who can afford the time and money to go to the gym 3x a week. If I did that I'd probably look amazing too /minirant

DP's habit is smoking and there is a long backstory (which I won't go into) about why I, for personal reasons, would never date a smoker. He didn't smoke when we met. I haven't nagged but have offered him chocolate if he stays off (chocolate is his major vice - he'd eat it all day every day if he could) and have also shown him some coping techniques - I really should have thought of this before - that my counsellor told me: keeping an elastic band to snap on your wrist and ripping paper every time you have frustrating emotions. Apart from this I don't really want to talk about the smoking on this thread. I stupidly wrote it above as I was trying to vent. I haven't sorted out how I feel about it yet - it's all tangled up with how much I love him. For me it is such a non-starter that, if I didn't love him and we were earlier in the relationship, I would split up with him.

We have lots of activities planned with her in the next few days that she seems pleased about and she took some pleasure from going around the supermarket last night and talking loudly (in her language, fortunately she doesn't speak English!) about how awful and expensive everything is here