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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

change in the law on abusive relationships

44 replies

rotool · 14/12/2011 15:56

I caught the end of a discussion on radio 2 today, it was about the law being changed where a person can be prosecuted for being emotionally abusive in a relationship. Did anyone hear it and know what else was said?

OP posts:
singingprincess · 14/12/2011 20:35

Rotool...it is hard, but it is do-able. LOTS and lots of us have and we can help you.

All you have to do is start talking...and you already did! Which makes you brave and courageous beyond belief.

We are here, for as long as it takes....and sometimes, that's a while, but we aren't going anywhere.

Speak to your GP, Health visitor...anyone. Ring Women's Aid. 0808 2000 247

Or just post here.

singingprincess · 14/12/2011 20:36

YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS.

Original poster
rotool · 14/12/2011 20:39

I did ring women's aid once and they said to go to a refuge, I can't do that to the dc's I just can't,they have an unbelievable life here and this is one of the reasons why I stay. I know I sound materialistic but I am not,all my clothes come 2nd hand off ebay or greatly reduced in sales,he will only buy me something if it is something I need to do with him. The dc's have ponies,quad bikes lots of space to play,Grandparents at the top of the drive with a farm...I know they would have al this still when they stay with him but this is all the life I know....

OP posts:
toothpastegirl · 14/12/2011 20:45

Very glad to hear more than 1 person mentioning that women can be abusive. In my area they have started a women's perp programme as they have found more and women were being referred via the courts and nowhere for them to go. Women are just as good as men at playing the victim card and turning the situation around, not helped by the fact that people crying in court (far more likely to be a woman) are more believed than those who appear calm and cool (just see how the media treats women who don't break down and the suspicion that follows). This new law should help male victims who tend to suffer more from emotional abuse at the hands of women than physical abuse (though that also happens and more often than you'd imagine).

change99 · 14/12/2011 20:49

Too many abusers are expert manipulators, who like to put themselves in the role of the victim. I could see a threat of bringing a prosecution being used as just another weapon to ensure that the real victim continue to walk on egg shells and does nothing to challenge the real abuse

How true that statement is.

change99 · 14/12/2011 20:56

Passive Agressors are very good at emotional abuse. They turn things round to lay the blame on others whilst they sulk, close-up, refuse to talk, play mind games until they themselves are ready to control the next steps.

Original poster
rotool · 14/12/2011 20:57

How do you stop them without leaving them,is it possible?

OP posts:
struwelpeter · 14/12/2011 20:59

Dear Rotool,
I've read some of your posts elsewhere.
I don't mean to worry you but if the DCs tell others such as school they will feel they have a duty to involve SS and then things get out of your hands. I think from refuge there is a sense that three reports to SS is enough for them to say that the children are not being protected and then they begin child protection measures.
Can you see a solicitor who knows about abuse? Phone around - anything you say is confidential to discuss the practical/financial aspects of getting out. Also talk to Women's Aid (try sooner rather than close to Xmas or afterwards as that's always a busy time 0808 2000 247, they will be able to help with how to quantify/explain what is happening to you emotionally.
It sounds hellish, and the emotional impact on your children is not quantifiable in monetary terms. There are people on MN who fled, leaving everything behind them but even with nothing in monetary terms, their freedom and the freedom of their children was priceless.
Keep posting here on on EA thread. Knowledge is power, and support will give you strength.

Original poster
rotool · 14/12/2011 21:05

Ds's are 7.5 and almost 6,they adore there daddy and he is very clever at making everything look like my fault. I don't think they would say anything to anyone and they are not in any danger from him. As I said earlier he has hit them,he would say smacked it just depends how you look at it. He hit/smacked ds almost 6 last week for going up the stairs the wrong way,I went straight to him and then got a major telling off.
He has said if I leave him he will go for joint custody and wants them half the week,he is good with them but not all of the time, I am so mixed up I don't know how to explain things. You get so used to the way your life is and how people treat you,you just don't know what is normal any more.

OP posts:
Original poster
rotool · 14/12/2011 21:09

what is EA thread?

OP posts:
Original poster
rotool · 14/12/2011 21:09

have to go he is home

OP posts:
NettleTea · 14/12/2011 21:14

EA thread is the 'support for those in abusive relationships thread' alot of support there from people who are living in/trying to leave/just left/left a long time ago and advising

babyhammock · 14/12/2011 21:20

Rotol You just can't underestimate how difficult leaving is.. It can seem totally impossible and even more so when you are emotionally exhausted which you are. I could see no way out of my situation 18 months ago and if I'm honest I don't think I could go through that again and I still don't know how we did it, in fact if I knew the lengths he would go to before I left him well who knows .... but once you start thinking and talking and thinking and talking and telling people and getting help and thinking some more and talking some more the most impossible things seem to just happen.

Baby steps to begin with so first you need to start compiling evidence. There are some amazing covert recording devices around if you can get hold of one. www.onlinespyshop.co.uk/section.php/72/1/spy-voice-recorders
and start diarising everything..dates, times.

babyhammock · 14/12/2011 21:21

Sorry www.onlinespyshop.co.uk/section.php/72/1/spy-voice-recorders

ZombieMonkeyBrains · 14/12/2011 23:55

It can take a long time to realise that emotional abuse is what's happening. Years of self-doubt, fed by the person that's supposed to love you most manipulating and twisting situations so that you are always the one in the wrong, and everything you say or do is always done with the worst motivations. Any little mistake is an example of how awful a person you are. They're only trying to help you, nobody else would, look what they put up with.

Sorry for the hijack. I'm trying to disentangle myself from a horrible situation at the moment and it's so confusing. Half the time I agree with him that I'm awful.

1Catherine1 · 14/12/2011 23:56

Would reminding you that you and your "DP" are modelling an adult relationship to your children help? You know you need to go but stop convincing yourself that staying is good for the children. It might be in the short term but not for their adult life.

1Catherine1 · 15/12/2011 00:00

Yea, Zombie, that is definitely the worse bit. When you convince yourself that he is right... It took a stranger to tell me that what I said was the craziest thing he'd ever heard after repeating what my ex said to me. Hardest thing to get over too. I've been out of it for over 4 years now and occasionally something will still haunt me.

MrsCrafty · 15/12/2011 03:36

Your children will never ever hate you for leaving with them. Children pick up on whether Mummy & Daddy are happy. Your children will initially be a bit scared but once Mummy is happy they will be fine. The courts will decide what happens, but I am sure that once you leave, you will be able to relax and be the great mum that you can be WITHOUT FEAR.

giveitago · 18/12/2011 15:35

I heard this and would like to know some more. It might help me and countless others.

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