If exH cancels visits to see the children, how much can I tell the children that he is an arse?

[Drowningnotwaving]

I do know the sensible answer to this btw, but just feel that he is completely out of order cancelling his days with them (he was meant to have them mon and tues next week as he isn't having them until 27th Dec but has decided now that he can't). I don't want to say to them that something unavoidable has come up which I don't believe to be the case at all, but don't necessarily want to tell them that H puts them so low down his list of priorities that he is a shit (because I know that will upset them).

but I do at some stage want them to know he is a shit.

sigh

Just tell them that he can't have them now and if they ask why tell them that you don't know. Then talk about all the fun things that you can do together next Mon and Tues.

You won't be slagging your ex off and you won't be lying to your DC (why should you have to make excuses for him).

It is very hard. Could you tell the children that you are upset about it? I don't know your circumstances, but if you are able, would you be able to do something nice instead? Do you have friends around? Do you have a good network?
I expect the children will be able to work out for themselves that their father is a shit. I'm sorry not to be any help. It is important for you to be able to rant though! Stupid stupid man.

Dont make excuses, your children will see right through this anyway.

Just say he has cancelled, yoyu dont know why and you are sorry if they are dissapointed, then arrange to have some fun together if you can.

When my ex was being flaky, I just made lots of plans and we all went on without him. I think realising that life went on happily without him made him wake up and re engage

You dont need to tell the children that you think their dad is a shit. It is much better for them to draw their own conclusions as they grow up. And they will

how old are the kids

I'd go along with just saying that he's cancelled and arrange to do something fun with them.

Could you ask him to call and explain to them maybe?

I agree don;t tell the DC anything other than their dad is unable to see them. In reality you don't the reason do you? If they ask then I would refer them to their dad in a kindly way saying "I don't know what the problem is but he is unable to see you" if they persist then say again "I don't know, best ask your father when you next see or speak to him".

All depends on what age the kids are really.

Why Squeaky? No matter what age they are you don't have to lie to them. You can just say I don't know

If they are young children, a bit of white lies is not a problem, as it protects them. If they are old enough to understand that their dad is being a flake, then they deserve to be told the truth. I wouldnt cover up for him to a ten year old, I would for a five year old.

Another one agreeing with telling them that you don't know why he's cancelled and that they could ask him. Then lots of hugs and reassurances and make plans something fun to do instead.

Sooner or later they will come to their own conclusions about how good (or not) he is as a dad. When they do, your role is to sympathise and to reassure them that whatever reason their dad has for not seeing them it's nothing to do with them, it's all down to him.

I do think its all in the approach. You don't say to your DC "I don't know, ask your bloody father!" but you can say "I'm sorry darling but I don't know, next time you see him you can ask him". You don't have to remind the DC to ask, they will if they want to.

I meant to also add.

I dont think it does any good to protect older children from the reality of their dad not giving his kids priority.

I dont believe in slagging off the other parent, but I also dont believe in covering up for them either.

I say this because I have seen the long term effects of doing this, from both sides, and it certainly didnt help those kids when they moved into adulthood.

I agree to just say he has told you he can't come, and if they ask why you can say "I'm not sure, you'll have to ask him".

It is annoying I know, they will figure it out for themselves in time. It's a very sad moment for a child or an adult to realise your parent is rather crap. As someone who's had that realisation I'm in no hurry for my own DS to go through it.

say you dont know why but you and dc can do xx and yy instead.
unoless he has explained to you exactly why then you have no idea what is in his head.
so even for a five year old or younger "i dont know why"is enough.

I am so angry with him. He does this all the time, and it pisses me off, they'll be unhappy, but they accept his excuses without question. Of course I won't slag him off, but won't lie for him. I'll just say that I don't know why.

I do hope that one day they do see him for what he is.

(and he hasn't contributed any money for christmas presents, or bought any either, but I can't tell them that as the younger ones still believe in FC so the presents are from him)

My DD has worked it out for herself!
Why not just do a stocking and wrap some small presents from FC and the others from 'mummy' under the tree?. Let him deal with the fallout about no presents when he sees them on the 27th.