Is my friend depressed or is she dropping me?

[letmehelp]

I have a very old friend (met in infant school). We don't see a lot of each other now, but when we do meet up it's always like we've never been apart.

Usually when we meet we go clubbing, but FGS we're mid 40's now and I really haven't enjoyed the last few outings so have said I don't want to do it anymore. Have suggested dinner or lunch / pictures / day out with DC instead. She always responds well initially, but the there's a reason she doesn't want to do it.

In a last attempt I suggested we meet up next week. DH is off work, so he can have my DC and we could have lunch, or if her DH is around, we could all have lunch. She couldn't do the days DH was off, what about another day? I said fine, but will have DCs. She said Ok, but not sure what to do,as large diff in ages of DC. Her DD 2yo, mine 8 & 10.

I discussed with my DCs and they came up with some suggestions which I thought were pretty good. DS1 prob too old for some, but he was happy. Now it's either too cold or she doesn't fancy any of them.

I feels like she only wanted me for the big nights out and if I won't do that then she's not interested, but I am a bit concerned for her because:

• She's always been highly strung - left every job she's ever had because she was either "stressed" or "bullied"
• Gave up work to have DD1 when she was 40 after frankly years of being quite a selfish person

-Really believed that parents had an easy life and that once she was a SAHM she would never be stressed again -Seems to get very little support from her DH - never leaves DD with him (not sure if that's her choice or his) -Won't take DD anywhere because shes a "horror" e.g. occasionally makes a noise and needs to be watched! Therefore never gets out of the house unless it's to her mum's. -She even refused to come to the toddler group I volunteer at (or couldn't make any of the sessions I was attending)

Have you suggested you going to hers for coffee during the day or evening without your DC with you?

Not sure whats going on, just noticed its not on the list of things you've tried.

If she is a bit depressed and is struggling with going out with/without her DD then she might go for this idea?

I could have written the first line of your post, OP, and sometimes this friendship of mine has given me cause for concern too. Hope you can resolve this

Thanks Misty

I have suggested coffee, either at hers or mine. I've also popped round with a gift for her DD and although I was invited in for a cuppa, they were "just on their way out, so it will have to be a quick one" which could have been true of course, but there's always something.

I've only met her DH at their wedding and on that occasion when I popped in - all our evenings out have to be planned around her DH's shifts, she will never go out if he's at home. Her mother has DD now, but it was the same before DD arrived, so I do wonder if her DH makes it difficult/doesn't want her to go out. She's never said anything though and she has complained to me about aspects of their sex life, so I think she would have if it was upsetting her.

Perhaps she is a bit 'under the thumb' then.

I have another friend who is the most outgoing, intelligent, gregarious, life and soul of the party type woman, and yet she seems always weighed down by her (jealous) DHs whims about where she is and what time she's going out or coming back and who's going to sort his meals out! I've had to bite my tongue for years tbh. It wouldnt stop her going out and about completely though -

Has your friends beaviour seemed withdrawn only since her mariage or is it more since the DD coming along? Do you get the feeling she gets out with other friends?

Maybe as a make or break you could just voice your concerns and ask her about it?

Easy to say, harder to do, i know

Might sound simplistic, but have you asked her what she wants to do, rather than suggesting things? That way, if she can't think of anything you can still make suggestions.

Maybe she just feels like she wouldn't know what to do with herself/say in a social situation with no fixed structure. I do kind of understand that because I always feel excruciatingly awkward, even with old friends, for the first few minutes unless we have something specific planned, because the onus is on me to keep the friend entertained. Going clubbing (sounds like hell to me, but tastes differ) is easy because little conversation is required, you've done it for years so she knows what she is doing and what is required of her, and its a routine. Sitting facing each other in a cafe... Could you suggest something structured, like going to the cinema? After the film you can suggest a cuppa before heading home, and by then any awkwardness should have worn off.

Or maybe she thinks it would be boring to go for a cuppa? That's not necessarily about you. Does she socialise that way with anyone else? Some people don't. DH doesn't - doesn't understand the concept. Why would you want to drink a coffee in company? He'd rather do something, which s why when he goes for a drink with friends, they go to play pool. Chatting happens around the edges of a planned ativity.

Of course, it might easily be nothing about this! But it is another approach to try.