Advice on changing the way I feel about MIL

[LoveInAColdClimate]

My MIL is a really nice person. She is warm, kind and generous, and can be lots of fun. However, and I know this is a very minor problem in the context of the MIL From Hell stories MN is full of, she also fusses and worries about the most ridiculous things, and it really gets on my nerves. I really, really want to just be able to smile and think "Oh, it's just her way," but it really grates on me. I have started to feel really intensely annoyed by it, and I really want to change that. I am expecting DC1, and I really want him to have a good relationship with his DGM, ideally without me in the background getting silently (and I hope invisibly) irritated. We are also spending Christmas with them this year, and I don't want to spend a week feeling annoyed.

Just to give an example of how petty I am being, we went to the ballet together this weekend, and she worried out loud three times that my DH would be forced to eat lunch twice, because he had had something with her before the ballet but was then meeting my DB and DF, who would probably want to go out for lunch. My DH is clearly an adult capable of saying "it's ok, I've already eaten, you guys have something and I'll just have a drink". I should have found the worrying gently amusing. But I found it maddening.

When DH and I first moved in together, she was very controlling (tried to insist on choosing our bed, for example ), but DH spoke to his DF about it, who then discussed it with her, and she has clearly made a huge effort to not interfere. This makes me feel even more cross with myself that I am finding it so hard to change how I feel when she has made such a big change.

It's started to get to the point where she says things that would be totally fine coming from anyone else, but which get on my nerves coming from her. I hate it and it makes me feel guilty because I know I'm being a bitch in feeling this way. For example, this weekend I said I was hoping to do a load of batch cooking when I start maternity leave, before the baby arrives. She said something along the lines of, "Yes, because once the baby arrives you'll be lucky to manage to get dressed". I know this is probably true! If my DM or a friend said it, I would laugh. But coming from MIL, I found it really annoying. I am aware of how irrational this is.

I don't think I let my reactions to her show, but I hate feeling like this.

Does anyone have any advice on "reprogramming" my feelings so that instead of feeling irritated, I can either just let it wash over me or, ideally, smile and think "that's just how she is"?

Please don't just tell me I'm being a bitch and that she sounds lovely - I know that! I really want to change my rection to her and would love some hints on how anyone else has managed to do that.

TIA.

Gosh, that's a bit long - sorry.

Well done on recognising the problem and knowing you have to change yourself not her.

Could you try writing or rehearsing in your mind, all the good things about her such as
She raised an amazing son - your DH
She cares for you (worrying about your bed and how you will feel after birth)

You could also cut down how much time you spend with her, a week at Christmas is a very very kong time!

Could you ask DH to take the heat out if some of her comments, ask him to say things like, "I'm a Dad one, I think I can take care of my own lunch"

You sound like a great DiL and am sure you will do well

You are pregnant, this counts for a lot of your mad thoughts I reckon

I think you just have to take a deep breath and step back from her comments.

In many ways what you have described is how I feel about my MIL, she is a lovely woman, loves us all but has some annoying habits that if I allowed them to would really annoy me, so I just have to ignore.
I have found that as time as passed and especially now that I see her developing a lovely relationship with my boys ( 3yo and 9mo) I feel more and more warmly towards her and I don't even get irritated by most things any longer.

What counts, is having the willingness to change, to see that you are being a bit unreasonable and want to stop. With that mindset I don't think you can go far wrong :)

Thanks, both - that helps a lot. I will try to make a real effort to focus on the positives and just ignore the annoying bits. Hopefully a big chunk of my heightened irritation is the fact that I am a huge hormonal pregnant whale - although I suppose that may not be improved by being a (hopefully) slightly smaller but possibly even more hormonal new mum in a few months...

my mum is the same, worries about daft little things, but thats because a) she is on her own and doesnt have anyone else to sound out to on a daily basis, and b) has nothing else to worry about.

Ive never once taken offence about it, she probably finds it infuriating that i am so laid back, people have different personalities. Shrugs

I sympathise. It's not a big problem in the scheme of things but it can cause unnecessarily big problems if you reach irritation breaking point and snap at her.

I constantly try to remind myself that other people's families are just different and, had I grown up with their little quirks, I would find it normal and safe (maybe!) I'm aware that my own parents must be irritating as hell to their DILs and SonILs.

I also found it helped when her grandchildren came along and I realised that we now had a genetic link (eek). Also it was so clear how much she loved her DGCs, even if this does often manifest itself in intense fussing about how they could hurt themselves (eg on breadsticks as a classic example).

Constant repetition of the fussiness is also a problem but I just have to count to 10 or find something to be 'busy' with. I repeat stuff like 'Yes, good point' or 'We'll have to be careful about that, you're right'. I try to make sympathetic noises. Good luck!

my mum is also a worrier about little things (and big things) and will repeat herself ad nauseum. I love her to bits and can generally just let her talk and answer or gently tease her but once in a blue moon I will snap at her and feel so guilty afterwards! She is just doing her best and she really hates not being in control so I try to make allowances for that.

How to change your mindset though? I'm not sure - she sounds like my mum in that she probably says everything that comes into her head (like the lunch thing) but as I do it too I'm pretty understanding of my mum!

Maybe just count to ten whever she does her fussing? Or think of words to a song or anything to distract you. If she's like my mum she's just talking and the half the time doesn't expect a reply. Or try changing the subject?

Thanks, everyone. I am so conscious that she isn't doing it to be annoying, and feel cross with myself for feeling annoyed. I will have to practice my serene breathing and counting to ten before Christmas!

I think part of the way to deal with this is to change your expectations in advance of seeing her - using mental preparation. Because you are beginning to dread/ imagine/ prepare for being annoyed - and that in turn makes her more annoying for you. Which is why her saying totally normal things like 'oh yes you will struggle to get dressed' are annoying - it's because you are on edge, waiting for it..

practice imagining scenarios where she is there - ie. christmas - and imagine it being really lovely - imagine the exact opposite of what you are imagining now. Imagine yourself seeing her as a warm, friendly supportive person who you are very fond of. I really think the key is how you think about her when you are NOT with her and how you prepare - so much of this is, as you know in your mind.

think of a comparison - just like you think she is mad for worrying about your husband not eating - you are worrying and worrying, repeatedly about her saying and doing minor things that are of no consequence - you are behaving like her!

I sympathise with building things up about people and their habits - but the whole way the mind works is that the more you dwell on WHY you find it annoying, the more annoying you will find it. You need to really, really focus on the fact that you DON'T find it annoying - until that becomes the truth.

ps. a bit of meditation/ mindfulness reading / buddhism could help...

I think the problem with counting to ten is you are still building it up in your mind - you need to tackle it so that you don't find her annoying in the first place..and hard as it is, I think you can do that if you change your thinking

waterrat - do you know, I think you may have hit the nail on the head when you say I am being like her! I think that may be what I hate most. The other night, DH accidently pulled a light fitting down when changing the bulb, and I moaned about it being yet another bloody thing to get sorted out and yet another expense (we seem to have had a neverending stream of workmen through the house recently, all of whom I have had to find, book and wait in for, although that's another thread entirely!). DH said I was being just like his DM, and I was absolutely furious. I do wonder if one of the reasons I get so stressed is that it reminds me of some trait in myself that I hate...

I have a similar thing with my MIL and I think it is just because she is my MIL IYSWIM - I'm much more forgiving of people I don't know as well and I know she's a kind, thoughtful caring person who would do anything for my DDs.

So, while this might sound daft, it helps me to think of her as an individual rather than a relative, as if I've met her completely independently. I find it helps me ward off my inner "Kevin the teenager"

I agree with the other poster who said it gets better with time and focus on the positives. I do know however that I can only be nice in reasonably small doses so I avoid spending more than 1 day at a time with my lovely but massively irritating MIL

My MIL is very similar- a lovely kind person but such a worrier and fusser. Similar to your situation, DH had to have a word about interfering too much in our house and she's made a huge effort to scale that back, bless her. I have forced myself not to become so irritated by her and it's working, slowly but surely.

I think the MIL/DIL relationship is such a weird one that it's bound to lead to hassle - she holds a special place in your DH's life and as such you feel under pressure to present a good front to her. Any negative comments, no matter how mild (such as "you won't be able to get dressed") come across as criticism rather than just a throw away comment that it is intended to be. I have recognised that my annoyance is more to do with my insecurities rather than any actual problem with MIL and that has helped hugely. She still gets massively on my wick at times but since I've let my guard down we've actually become a lot more friendly and I enjoy spending time with her a lot more.

We recently went on trip together to see DS's great grandmother for three days and it went really well, so I'm very hopeful for the future. I think half the problem is that she feels under just as much pressure as I do. Now that I'm more friendly towards her she has relaxed a lot and it's made things much easier. She even told me some personal things about herself recently that made her seem much more human and normal to me and that made us closer I think.

I don't know if it's any consolation but I think once DS was born things really started to get better. It was as if she was finally able to see me as a proper adult, a mum with my own life and laid off treating me like a child a little bit (though not entirely!!). Seeing her with DS, how fab she is with him, just melts my heart and makes me much softer towards her. Hopefully the same will happen for you.