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Original poster

So.... does anyone here actually get on with their DP/DH's ex? Surely I can't be the only one...?

49 replies

CalamityKate · 14/12/2011 01:26

What the title says, really. Maybe it's just the case that nobody bothers posting about their DP/DH's exes if they get on, and I can understand if there have been actual problems like access disagreements/infidelity etc.

Straw poll?

OP posts:
izzywhizzysmincepies · 14/12/2011 01:31

And your point is? To make other women feel bad if they don't get on with the women who've inherited their cast-offs?

If you haven't had any problems re access, infidelity, and the like, you've had a charmed life - be grateful and spare others the thought that they may be doing it 'wrong'.

Original poster
CalamityKate · 14/12/2011 01:39

Er... no.

I am indeed very grateful I've not had any problems re access or infidelity and I really can't see where I'm suggesting anyone is doing it "wrong".

I was just interested.

OP posts:
SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 14/12/2011 01:57

It does come across as a bit of a stealth boast. 'I'm so cool and chilled out and easy-going and like-able, that even his ex likes me'. Xmas Wink

I mean, who cares, really?

In any case, no you're not the only one. Grin

DH is very good friends with one of his 'exes' - they were good friends to start with as part of their mutual wide circle of friends, had a very brief shag fling, then went back to being friends.

She's great craic, and we're good friends outside his and her friendship. Been on loads of nights out with her and a holiday away.

It's really not that rare.

izzywhizzysmincepies · 14/12/2011 02:10

This is the 'relationships' board. It would be nice to think that it was full of heartwarming tales of fulfilling and enhancing relationships that gave validation to lives well lived.

The reality is that, for the majority of posters on this board, it's a place of refuge, solace, and commiseration, for those whose relationships have failed to live up to their early promise - even if that early promise was based more on wishful thinking than a realistic chance of lasting more than a few hundred yards in the marathon of life?

Given that it is the pantomime season, maybe this site needs a section where genies appear at the rub of a lamp, glass slippers fit perfectly instead of shattering the minute feet hit the ground, and everyone lives happily ever after.

But ok, you've hooked me. Would you care to expound on the secret of your success in creating a harmonious relationship with your ex's new love? Could it have anything to do with the fact that you had no further interest in him?

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 14/12/2011 02:23

Heh, I don't think it's the OP's ex's new partner that the OP has the fabby relationship with!

I think it's her DP's ex. Xmas Wink

perfumedlife · 14/12/2011 02:51

I'm bamboozled. I thought op was asking if any of us get on well with our partner's ex, not our expartner's new partner.

Anyway, if the former, definately not. In fact, often when she is playing her devious child contact/maintenance games, I look at my dh and despair that he ever married her, feel momentarily like I have no idea atall who he is. How could he have made such a gross error of judgement? Xmas Grin

I have enough friends. Civil is fine.

izzywhizzysmincepies · 14/12/2011 02:59

This is what worries me, pl. If he was such a dumbfuck as to be taken in by his ex, what does that say about his intelligence? As in does he have any? Xmas Grin

perfumedlife · 14/12/2011 03:03

I know izzy, it probably says more about me and my judgement than I care to dwell on! Xmas Wink

izzywhizzysmincepies · 14/12/2011 03:06

What is about us women? It seem to me that we live in a constant state of hope springing eternal, if not triumphing over experience.

And we think they're the dumfucks Xmas Grin

civilfawlty · 14/12/2011 03:08

Jeez. The OP was asking a perfectly reasonable question. No need to attack her quite so is there?

OP. My current DP has a plethora of exes who remain part of a wider friendship group and whom I have to 'tolerate'. They ate nice enough but I don't feel like being friends is realistic. They are all older and we just have little in common. Thankfully there are no children from these relationships to complicate this so they are only relationships forces by friendship.

However my dd's dad has another older daughter and I am incredibly close with her, her mum and her wider family. I suspect my dd's dad being RUBBISH initially made it easier to have some common ground. But these relationships are amongst the things in life which give me great joy and of which I'm really proud.

Am aware how lucky we are though.

perfumedlife · 14/12/2011 03:22

I just can't see the point of getting on with partners ex's unless they are part of your social circle/work group. Getting on, as in being polite and civil, yes of course that's a minimum. But being friendly, well, why? To compare notes? I think we change with each relationship we have, or at least we ought to, and grow up more. So, what they had with the ex can't really be comparable with what you now have, iykwim?

I know my dh was very young, married due to pregnancy (old fashioned guy) and it lasted five minutes. He just isn't the same guy, he matured by the time we met. So, ex wife is really nothing like me, and my dh is nothing like the guy she married.

izzywhizzysmincepies · 14/12/2011 03:24

O come on, civil. Hardly an 'attack' although I must admit to hoping that the OP will submit herself to AIBU.

Do I detect a certain stealth boast in your response? Your dp has put it around a bit but you are younger than his 'plethora of exes'. So are his exes saving up for a group discount on facelifts, or are they congratulating themselves that they passed him on to the younger generation?

As for your dd's df, as you've discovered there's nothing like a crap father of more than one dc with more than one dm to make the recipients of the fruits of his loins unite over their common bonds.

izzywhizzysmincepies · 14/12/2011 03:35

Your dh sounds like a 'find' pl. A guy whose personal growth is commeasurate with his chronologiical maturity but I bet he's retained those all-important 'old fashioned' values that makes a man a 'real man'.

perfumedlife · 14/12/2011 03:48

Oh he is a find izzy, I know by the time we met he was just growing into himself and I loved the fact he took his responsiblilties seriously. I also know, thanks to the grapevine called Mil Xmas Grin that ex wife is kicking herself for letting go of him. She even refers to him as my husband when she calls, as in, can I speak to my husband! They were married two years, fifteen years ago, dh and I are about to celebrate 10 years marriage and she calls him her husband. She is on her fifth child by her fourth man so not sure how they like that either. She is not someone I care to chit chat over coffee with, no siree.

izzywhizzysmincepies · 14/12/2011 06:03

If she ever drops by for a cuppa serve it in your best poisoned chalice china and hand it to her with a smile, pl

However, I suspect that your happy marriage is proving to be more lethal to her than a spoonful of cyanide.

Many congratulations on your forthcoming anniversary and here's to your next 10 Wine

civilfawlty · 14/12/2011 08:43

Yes. That's right. I'm taking the opportunity to boast that I am younger than dh's exes. You got me.

Original poster
CalamityKate · 14/12/2011 09:11

I can assure you all that I wasn't stealth boasting, or any of the other things you've accused me of. I'm a bit baffled by the hostility but hey ho!

I was just interested.

civilfawlty thanks for actually answering the question Grin

OP posts:
Malachite · 14/12/2011 09:33

I am friends with my DH's ex and he is friends with mine. As long as the break up was amicable I don't see any reason to be jealous or have a problem with it.

bringbacksideburns · 14/12/2011 09:35

Yes - she is one of my good friends. Her and my dh were together off and on for ten years and even went back packing together. We meet up often on our own with our kids and go to Yoga once a week.

She is fab.

maddy68 · 14/12/2011 09:43

I am really good friends with my ex - in fact him and his partner are coming for drinks at mine xmas eve - its great for the kids

ConstanceNoring · 14/12/2011 09:48

I think you may have a point Calamity that where there is harmony there is no need to post about it.

I don't have any dealings with DH's ex - it started out that way many years ago - I think we both took the stance that there was no way we would get along so we didn't even try, and now, well there's no need for us to have any contact so we don't. On the odd occasions that we've run into each other we've been perfectly pleasant to each other and that's enough for us.

It's certainly not unheard of for exes to get along, even when there have been problems with infidelity etc. A "friend" of mine was the OW, her DP's now exW is good friends with both of them, they've all been on holidays together with the children, she even baby sat their DS1 when their DS2 was being born Shock. I suppose it is more surprising when this happens, not the norm.

wannaBe · 14/12/2011 09:54

so people are only allowed to post on relationships if they're in a crap relationship or having a rough time? Hmm no wonder mn shows such a distorted view of relationships...

slightlycrumpled · 14/12/2011 10:12

I get along very well with DH's ex wife. She left him, I didn't and don't however consider him a cast off.

She will never be my best friend and I would certainly never discuss my marriage with her, but DH,his ex wife, her DH and myself have always managed a very good extended family relationship. It has aided my relationship with my step children to have a relaxed atmosphere, access has never been an issue with a very flexible arrangement, and we can all go to important events for the children together with no worry of an atmosphere. Thats surely only a good thing.

I don't post on step parents because for me and mine it has worked, so I do get that people only post when there is a problem, and I am very, very aware that it is not often the case. Luckily for us ALL four adults have behaved appropriately, it would only need one to cause real problems.

PieCherry · 14/12/2011 11:13

Hi OP - I get on very well with my EXh New Partner (not exactly new but 5 yrs), she looks after my kids in the holidays, I've looked after her son, I even took her to hospital this year when she broke her ankle. She's not an issue, she loves him (which makes her a bit daft) but we get on fine.

My partner's ex is OK - we aren't exactly best friends but it's amicable and respectful. His Ex MIL however is a whole other story lol.

AMELIALIVES · 14/12/2011 12:24

Some people ought to try reading their posts before posting and hijacking what was a perfectly valid question. It's an attack on someone trying to put something positive here. Stop constantly try to force your own misgivings on others.

Wannabe, you're right, this board in particular has a hugely inaccurate, distorted view on relationships, possibly because a large number of posters here seem to re-enact their own past by force feeding others doom and gloom. The reality is some of the more regular posters feed on newer posters in a frenzy picking up on the tiniest of problems and turning them into huge issues. Not everyone has a Pandora's Box full of disaster, but you'd be forgiven for thinking everyone does judging by some of the unjustifiable comments seen here regularly.

OP, I and my DP both have exes, we 'get on' for the sake of the children, but our contact is strictly limited to when the children are involved, there isn't any other outside interest in any of us being friends as it serves no purpose. I think it can in some cases be dangerous and threatening to the new partner and new relationship if you get on too well.