What does the rule book say when you challenge/upset a psychopath

[doomsday]

I have challenged and starting to worry!

Outside house few days after I challenged him legally, drove off when I spotted him....or is it drove off when he knew I spotted him
Drove past slowly then other nights....I don't know if there has been other nights and I refuse to check as don't want it to take over my life as in past.

I have now been challenged back legally so maybe this is his new way of fighting....which I prefer as my dc and I are safe.

I was approached to challenge back end of last week so spent all free time preparing it (legally) and posted it yesterday.

Today I am starting to regret this as today I feel scared. I know what has triggered it today...turning the TV on:(

What do I do? Will this legal way become the new way of fighting for this man? Or will I have to consider leaving or dropping this legal battle altogether for our safety?
How do people who have this personality react to being told legally what to do?

I don't really understand this. I think you are going to have to explain more fully.

Have you got a restraining order against this man (ex-partner?) So what has he done now? Is he trying to get the order over-turned?

Please - just explain a little more.

could never get restraining order as never had no evidence then attacks stopped once devise put in place to capture any attacks! He is trying to over turn a Child Maintenance order which he has been on run from for several years.

OK this is what I think.
I don't think you will ever get any money out of him... he's too cunning.
I think you are extremely lucky in that he doesn't want contact.. from what you've told us, that would be awful.

I know you don't want to move DS from his school as he has sn, but if I were you I would move far away, change your names and find a new school.

How many more years can you cope with this?

That is what I would do if I could x

I want this to be my New Year resolution bh to go now...never wanted to before but I do now...to damn stubbon in past...spoke to a MN friend earlier I can't go on with this as will kill me the stress hard enough without this on top....made me realise!

I try and nc cause incase someone watching....bloody to obvious ain't I

If made to pay may push for contact then....this can't happen!!

Thank babyhammock that's 2 MN's today...my eyes are openning

I too, don't see how you can carry on much longer in this situation. I understand about your son and his school, but this is going to have such a mental burden on you.

I would move as far away as possible, name change and try to salvage a normal life.

this situation isn't normal is it Santa that is what my friend said earlier about my mental health... checking the footage everytime I hear a noise in the night and 'arson' springs to mind isn't living....it's killing me:(

No, it's not at all normal, honey. And you do need to do something about it before it drags you down any more.

Seriously my love, do it.
You can't carry on living like this and as you can get away you really should. Try and get a support worker from womansaid (I can't remember if you have one already?) and they will be able to help you plan to disappear so to speak.

Totally fresh start away from this nightmare x

You need to move.

There. I said it.

Again.

Oh and ALL that babyhammock said.

If you are that scared you must think of your DC's first. I assumed you alluded to the Yorkshire family killing. You must get yourself and DC's somewhere safe and now if you are worried. What part of the country are you in?

BH had a dream when I was little I was on Nightmare in Elm Street...it came true! I can't go a fouth year of attacks or if not anymore due to cctv but just fear of attacks still their in my thoughts. Ds also still young enough (7) to forget/get over this hell:(

Thank you SS, BH, HH....thanks BocH too for talking to me about it earlier if you see this

I felt my feet were glued to the house before...couldn't move! I don't know why....2012 is new start, new home, new area, new memories to start.....to many bad ones here to ever recover from and fear is so disabling. I will ask WA will I get WA outreach again but this time to help me transition.

GW yes you are 100% ds safety and mental health comes first and as already vuln with SNs I can't risk anymore stress for my ds

After all I am starting to realise home is not 'where' but 'how' it makes you feel and the last few years here it has been a prison not a home as HH pointed to me in past

I thought I was being strong not letting him win force me into running, how wrong was I! I was being stupid!

God bless Doomsday, you will be in my thoughts and prayers. You are being so strong. x

Love. What you have suffered is unimaginable. To most, if not all of us here.

We KNOW the courage it takes you to live. We know how hard you find all this.

We SEE how he is STILL controlling you, by having laid enough ground rules, sown enough fear for you to live a semi-life.

Your son has some SN that need to be taken into account, I understand your worries in moving him.

But perhaps, just perhaps, living in a free, happy, safe environment may work more miracles than you think possible. I know MY son is a million times better than he was. OK so he doesn't have SN, but his development was suffering as a result of the environment at home.

Research education places that could take him and make life better for him. See what you have to do to get a place for him. Rent your place out and rent somewhere else. Don't let anything stop you from putting HIM and YOU into a place where you can LIVE. FREELY.

ATM you are kind of letting the SN son thing be an excuse for staying where you are. Perhaps you need, in light of the SN stuff, to actually make this the REASON you need to move, change names etc.

Don't let anyone get in your way this time, you are going to leave that house, you are going to TAKE BACK the life that you are losing out on, and you are going to build a happy new future for you and your boy.

Have you anywhere to go? Family or friends just for the night?

to houdini lots of excellent advice.

Thanks Gerard.

I 'know' this poster, i care deeply for her.

doomsday, you are not running. You are leaving HIM behind. You got that?

Thanks GW that means a lot.

HH thank you I do reread your consistant posts, yes you are right if I move I will be happier which = ds happier also, hence development emotionally etc will increase tenfold. Thankfully ex doesn't know where ds is in school so should be able to just get lost in huge city especially if we change our names.

12 months ago when the attacks were 3-6 weeks apart for several months my ds used to plead with me not to take him home and live in so and so street nearer school he was transitioning into 3 hrs a week. 'I don't want to go home, Daddy will kill us' was a common thing ds would say and I used to silently cry as I drove us home and this used to rip my heart out but stuck due to no family support/no money to move/so scared and I wasn't functioning, wasn't sleeping and in total fear. I posted one night asking did anyone know where I could get something to protect me....people thought naturally I was a troll, I wish I was
Still in same boat except I have a friend now in RL I can confide in that as helped me so much. But I am going to move now no matter that I am still in same position.

I never realised how hard it was for people to leave partners who abuse them/control them and I take my hat off and admire how hard it was for the person....I aint even with this person so sounds really daft! Although this person has never laid a finger on me, but it has beaten me mentally and physical health also! If that makes sense?

So WA will help me? I will need help with this and I know I have always recieved lots of support here which has kept me sane but I need RL support to get through this in addition.

ahh thank you HH you have been a rock at real times of despair and total paranoia esp in early hours

Sweetheart. Mine left in February.

Only last WEEK did I realise that there were certain things I was not doing because HE wouldn't have allowed them.

Non-violent abuse is IMVHO - often WORSE than someone who beats us. Our bruises heal, the scars heal, but the FEAR? No, that has to be TREATED, we have to work damned HARD to overcome that.

You have to move, you really do. You have options, choices and you have much going for you, all you need is a deep breath and the confidence to do it.

WA will always be there. Call them. We too will always be here.

Oh Hissy I didn't know....you always sound so calm and not showing any distress...and their was me going on and on...

Ex stopped attacking in March when cctv went up and it's only now (today) I am starting to think I need to go...it does take a long time to change behaviours we are forced into or non behaviours! You told me over 12 months ago to leave and move...it is only now I really know I have to move as things either wont change or the past here has engrained behaviours from fears that make my life I live so not normal.

WA said they would now give me CBT in New Year...been waiting 10 months hopefully this will work?

Lots of deep breaths in 2012 :)

Thank you HHissy (and other MNs) for holding my hand through this hard journey x

I am mostly calm. Last night I had a row with him on the phone, in the end he broke down in tears. Mentioned suicide etc...

half of me thinks that it's another ploy. He's tried everything else. We'll see. Nothing I can do. He's 5 hours away.

He said he'll work to the end of his days to prove I was wrong about him. Told him to go ahead, threw down the gauntlet and said I was willing to see if he could, but expecting him not to. fill yer boots then....

Love, I am not blaming you for being 'slow' to act on this, it's not that long a time really, given what you have gone through. I understand exactly what thoughts are running through your head, what fear lies in your belly. These things take time. You have not been in active peril for your life, even if you felt so, there probably has been no REAL risk. The fear of it though is almost as damaging to the pair of you as the real thing though, which is why we are all so adamant that you leave.

You are pretty nearly ready, as ready as you are going to be. Now is the time for you to take that deep breath and jump towards your new life, away from this vile tyranny.

All you can do is look at each thought you have, each behaviour you find at odds with the rest of the world around you and analyse it. If it's one of your fears, and if it's something you can work on then do it. If it's one of HIS controls, then you need to hold it up for inspection, look hard at it, realise it's not YOU and make the change.

Sure it's hard, makes you feel physically sick, dry mouth, shake etc; For me that's talking face to face to a man, I don't generally hold eye contact for very long. But I know what that is, and why and I am gently pushing myself to make more contact, not be scared of being 'caught'. But this gently pushing of our boundaries, our fears and our self imposed controlling thinking MUST happen for us to open up our lives to the normal world again. CBT I think is a good starting point. I'd also say to do the Freedom Programme, to give you a space to talk about it among friends.

Come talk to us any and every time you need support. That is what we are here for. Test out your thoughts with us, ask us what we think, we'll give it to you straight! you know that!

HHissy don't let him make you feel it is your fault if he tries suicide, as suicide is totally the person's decision. Maybe he grasping at straws as this is common behaviour, but it maybe Xmas too making him feel like this....all you can do is inform his nearest relative so they can then call GP or police to get him assessed under MH Act.

He may just be trying to control you saying this but what ever the reason it is his life and his decision. But if he said he will spend rest of his life proving he has changed...shows a glimmer he may not act out although feels that way.

90% of the time I know it was a warning to scare me and not any real threat just damaging my property. It is nearly 11 months ago when an object used by him to try and force my front door open at 5am as me and ds slept. The metal plate was bent the arson team drilled onto letterbox and outer letter box hanging off and dents in door with ?screwdriver, so he had a good go at trying to get in, this was new behaviour, a step further! This was the point I freaked and have not felt safe since as up to that point it was just childish behaviour. I do believe if he had got in we would have been hurt, try not to think about it.

All the symptoms you describe and more possibly PTSD as I get really upset when any sad news about DV. I hope they give the CBT soon. Your right I will look at this Freedom programme helps to talk in RL to others in my shoes.

I thought I was the only person who had developed an anxiety to men! I too can't be around men and never give eye contact...I fear they know they can do what ex did and my confidence is just blown away. I guess when I feel safe I will be able to push my bounderies very slowly to start making contact with any males again espically in social/work environment. What this man did was ruin my chances to ever be in a relationship again and give ds a chance of a family and other siblings. That I feel deflated about. He has beat me in so many other ways except physically.

I think I have let ds down, trying to square up to this man and not show I am scared has been idiotic of me! My poor ds who has not the full cognitive understanding must be totally messed up and I could have prevented this:(

2012 is the year I give ds and me our lives back and live how we deserve; safe, secure and happy in our own home.

I hope situation with your ex also gets easier also, I know I've been a bit of a wreck but I will always have plenty of hugs for you HHissy so and

Meant to reply to this, but got sucked into something else.

Suffice to say, I have a 'coffee date' next week

X is muslim, so christmas is not something that will affect him his family are all dead, he has a cousin, a few 'frenemys' and that is that. He's 5 hours away. I have no-one to call. What he does is down to him, totally beyond my control.

My love, you will get through this. LOOK AT YOU! You already ARE getting through this, don't lose sight of that he?

You have had a very extreme set of circumstances, you have been through so much. You would have been more than 'justified' in allowing it to break you. BUT IT DIDN'T, did it?

You just need to dig that wee bit deeper and follow though in your last few steps to freedom. Get all the help you can get, from wherever you need to.

Don't give up. This is for you and for your DS.

We are ALL behind you.

I always believe you never show a bully or whatever the disorder the person may have you are NOT frightened as they feed to the reaction and control. SO I dug my heels in!

He has told a load of lies which I am now counter appealling...does it ever end!

that's fab you have a date next week HHissy go for it [cgrin]
you are starting to slowly test your boundries...good on you and the more you practice these coffee dates the better you will get...after all everything is down to practice!

I contacted WA and can have a support worker to support me through moving and gave me some tips like don't put sign up and don't let estate agents know where I am going (incase they are asked why/where am I going etc).

talking of freedom WA said once I got over moving the freedom programme will be good esp to meet OW in different situations also and help me esp as starting afresh:)