solost

[MyChildDoesntNeedSleepAtXmas]

Does anybody remember the threads by this poster? Does anybody know if she's OK?

Solost - your update posts have really resonated with me. Earlier in the year I discovered H had been having an affair. He never went to her - OW was also married - but I kicked him out. I was devastated and deep down just wanted my life back. But I got through the summer with DC and proved that I could cope alone. Anyway, to cut a long story short, he moved back in a couple of months ago. He has been for counselling, shows me his mobile bills each month, his bank statements, taking me on 'dates' etc... I doubt I could ask him to do more.

But, like you, I still feel very up and down and some days I can't get the thought of him and OW out of my head. She lives in same town and I run into her from time to time which doesn't help as it triggers these thoughts. I just really struggle with how to deal with it. H understand that while I can possibly forgive, I am unsure at this stage whether I will be able to forget. I too wonder if I have done the right thing by taking him back or whether I should have carried on building a life without him.

Like you say, I feel stronger. Realise I can cope alone if needs be. I am looking forward to new year and hope that it will feel like a fresh start and drawing a line under horrible 2011. I wish the same for you and your family too

Castille, he had been out with the DC's one Saturday and he rang her on his way back over there and told her he was collecting his stuff and leaving, apparently she said she had been thinking the same and was about to pack it all up for him. I think things had been bad between them for a while. She did apparently text him quite frequently at first, but as he was not here it didn't affect me, it seems she thought he just some needed time out and that he would be going back there at some point.

Jaxteller: Thanks for your thoughts. Sometimes I think I should have made a decision one way or the other by now, its nothing he's doing, its just so hard to accept what happened. Sometimes I can deal with it and I think I am getting over it, other times it washes over me and is almost as painful as the time I originally found out.

Scarlet76, I really identify with everything you have written, although fortunately for me, BB (OW) lives 100 miles away, so not much chance of bumping into her!! It must be so difficult for you, I don't know how I would cope. I think for me the forgiveness part is harder, but I am hoping that I will get there in time, it just hurts so much and H still can't really explain why he went there in the first place. I think he has still much soulsearching to do, but at the moment he seems to be trying to make things right for me.

I hope you and your family have a happy & peaceful Christmas time, and things work out for you. X

Oh Solost! How lovely to hear that things have worked out well for you although I completely understand your feelings of up-and-down-ness. I think it must be like a little worm eating away at you, all the time - sometimes you notice, other times you don't, but the worm is constantly undermining your security in the situation because you never thought he'd do it the first time and he did. I doubt he'll do it again, tbh - but yes, he has exposed his weak side to you and it wasn't pleasant! So now you know that he has this side you were unaware of and it's not sitting well within the bounds of your marriage - it's not something that was an acknowledged "part of the original package", iyswim.
I imagine that you look at him and part of you sees what you always saw, but another part of you sees the weak fool that he was and it overlays what you knew - and that affects your ability to be at ease with him.

Hope you have a much nicer Christmas this year than you did last year - and am so very glad that BB is off the scene. Hurrah! love to you all xxx

(Also very pleased to hear that WWIFN is still around - she was sorely missed!)

Solost, I'm another who read your original thread, I always felt that you would get back together with your DH. and this is very good news. One theme that sometimes doesn't come across in the "affair" threads is that just because a person is behaving very wrongly in one respect it doesn't neessarily mean that there is no love left, or that they are a total and utter all round bastard. YOu know what your DPs weaknesses and foibles are now. I'm sure that over the years, if it continues to suit you both the time will come when the memories of your unhappy year will fade.
I'm afraid I was never much of a fan of WWIFN and her didactic relationship advice, so I won't join in the applause for her continued presence - the disapearance of constant references to Shirley Glass has much improved the forum!

Very pleased for you Solost. I think you have to accept that it is still really early days for you and your DH has issues that he will probably deal when he is ready. FWIW, my DH took himself off to counselling again two years after his affair and has only just finished (did it for about 8 months).

I think initially we were so concerned with getting the marriage, the family and the business back on track (we did Relate for about 4/5 months) that he felt he could tackle some very personal demons when he had the time to concentrate on himself and him only IYSWIM. I can honestly say that now he is the person he wants to be and he has managed with the help of the counselling to tackle his weight/eating issues (was severely overweight) which were all linked to his mental health. He has managed to lose 3 st in 9 weeks !!!!! He has been religiously going to the gym, playing tennis and being very careful with what he eats - he admits he would never have been able to do it without the counselling and he couldn't have done the counselling until he felt everything else in his life was under control.

I think it is extremely hard to repair a marriage, to forgive (I will never forget) when they have actually left you for the OW. I understand my DH's reasons, why it happened and how it happened and now I have days when I don't even think about it (it will be 3 yrs in Feb). I certainly have no feelings, anxiety/sadness and the like, when it does pop into my head. I think it has to do with the fact that I am happier within myself and with how things are.

Remember learn from the past, live in the present and hope for the future . Have a lovely Christmas and New Year !

I know this is a really old thread but this is a poster I still think about and wonder how everything turned out.
Hope she continued to have a happy life even though I thought her husband was a complete tit.