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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Bad relationship judgement/inability to spot w**kers

4 replies

willselfless · 12/12/2011 12:08

About a year ago, I split up with my then DP and lovely MNers on the relationship board helped me through. The bloke in question had a problem with my sexual past and was generally a bit of a possessive/spoilt nob.

What happened with that relationship has finally made me face up to the unpleasant truth that I have never managed to have a 'normal' functioning LTR.

Examples:
-Most recent ex (subject of last year?s thread): sulked for six months because he didn't like a present I'd given him; pleaded with me to admit that one nights stands (which I'd had years before we met) were wrong; as a consequence of my 'past' was 'unable' to tell me that he loved me for over a year; would regularly become so emotional/angry that he would flounce off for hours on end to get his head together. There is more.

-On/off/on again guy from years ago. Cheated on me; lied to me; would ignore me for spurious reasons; would withhold sex as a power thing; made it clear he considered himself intellectually superior to me. Again, there is more.

I put effort into the above and other relationships and there was angst, heartache. Looking back on it all now I wonder - why did I put up with this shit? Where was my self esteem? Is it due to the lack of a positive male role model for me to see what 'normal' blokes are like? Due to my parents' strange relationships? Terrible judgement?

How do I get to the stage of having a functional relationship based on love and mutual respect?

Not sure what this self-indulgent rant is for. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

OP posts:
ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 12/12/2011 15:27

Find a counsellor and/or follow the Freedom Programme.

Good luck - you've already got all the right questions! The above will help you find the answers.

issey6cats · 12/12/2011 16:17

some of us just seem to attract nobheads

Taghain · 12/12/2011 17:09

Well, at least the blokes above appear to be arses in different ways, so you aren't going for the same type every time. One day you may strike lucky!

HoudiniHissy · 12/12/2011 17:22

I'd say they were both the same kind of guy. Emotional abusers.

Do the freedom programme (It's free), it's a great programme to help you strengthen your sense of what is and is not acceptable.

A decent bloke will accept you as a human being, for who you are and what you have or have not done. he won't judge you, he won't sulk and he won't punish you.

He will discuss things amicably, he will be able to agree to disagree and he will not look to manipulate or control you.

You need to understand that it is better to be on your own than to put up with a shitty man, and that at the first whiff of any of the above, you need to tell them to hit the road. You have to be ruthless, because you KNOW that you are worth more than this.

Good luck love, you can do this!

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