*Want to avoid another clash with the in-laws*

[MrHulot]

Sorry if this is another boring thread about in-laws but I feel totally isolated.

For many personal reasons, my DH and I decided to get married away from everybody and without telling anyone. The reactions from the two families were totally opposite: my mum welcomed DH with opened arms into the family and my brothers just accepted him as a brother. Me on the other hand got struck by thunder. A lot of nasty things were said.
I totally understand they were shocked and like many people they disapproved but surely if they really love their son/brother like they say they do they should respect his decisions, no? I strongly suspect they think I'm the boss of him and I forced him into this so this is even a bit insulting to him...
I've always been nervous and subdued around them all but after this even more so.
(2 months before the wedding we had a miscarriage and going away to get hitched was also to try again. We were successful but weren't in speaking terms with them for the whole pregnancy). My DD was born, and started seeing the parents again.
My DH has younger twin sisters, one of them got stroppy when asked for visits to be limited at the very beginning, texting something nasty about my dad who died 10 y ago from leukaemia and never met. We haven't seen her since, my DD is 2 ½ years.
We got in an argument about her with his parents when I got pregnant with DS about a year ago, again didn't speak to them for the hole pregnancy, but didn't hear from them until DS was 3 months old. We've always seen the other sister with boyfriend, but not often as they're very busy with the job.
Now my problem is that she and the boyfriend are getting married next year, and her evil twin will be there of course. I don't want this to be a problem and I'm thinking that the only way round (making everybody happy...) is for me not to go.
My family live abroad so don't see them 'very often'.
An outside opinion would be useful I think...

Where's your DH in all this? Has he told his family why you got married without telling them? Does he support you to his family?

He has never had a chance to explain anything. And me neither, I would so much like the chance, it's so frustrating. It's a very frozen situation. There is no sitting down and talking calmly. His mum just shouts louder over him. His dad just hides behind her (even if it means not seeing his children and grandchildren for a few months).
My DH has always stood by my side and I know he will always. But I know they are still his family, he misses them and it makes him sad too.

They sound like a highly dysfunctional family and most probably toxic. Prob best to keep your distance as much as possible, and maybe see if your DH is open to therapy to help him recover from the damage his parents no doubt caused him when growing up.

Funny you should say that jasminrice those are exactly my thoughts , I already try to keep my distance, but when they see my DC I like to be around, and if I can't it makes me very nervous.
The sister who's getting married is nice enough, I really don't wan't to bring this problem up, because funnily enough she's not on speaking terms with her parents now. Of course her twin is important to her but I don't want her around the DC. She's the most toxic in my opinion. I don't know what to do...

I found the book Toxic in Laws very useful when trying to cope with my toxic in laws. And DH also found it a bit of an eye opener. Could you get the book and read it with your DH?

The start of your post could have described the reaction when DH and I married (without family, again for lots of reasons!). After about 6 years MIL was talking to us again, then on and off since then, including not seeing our DS1 until his first birthday then realising what she was missing out on.

Early on when we were married, we had a similar wedding issue albeit with DH's cousin, and in the end he decided to go alone as his aunt said I was not welcome. Certain family members siezed on that as evidence that really DH was still "theirs" in some way, and he was very uncomfortable with that. He had gone because he wanted to be there when his cousin was married. He hadn't imagined how it would be interpreted.

Since then, he has avoided family things when we are not all invited as a family - except for his GM's funeral, when he said he didn't care what his mother and aunt said, as he was also grieving and would take his family for support.

I'm sorry this is rambling on now - I think what I'm trying to say is that you need to talk with DH about how you both feel if only he goes to the wedding, to avoid it being blown up into another problem. Is it just you planning to stay away, what about DD?

If they are not inviting young children then I suppose you at least have an excuse that is about you, not them? Seems a shame to miss out on the wedding of an in law that you do get on with though.

What is Nice Twin doing about inviting her parents, if she isn't speaking to them?
If she's got to that stage then you may be able to talk to her about it all - she's not going to get cross that you have problems with her family, is she?

I think you should either both go, or neither of you go. United front, and all that. If you go, warn the bride that you're planning to leave at the slightest hint of trouble/shouting/nastiness (so as not to ruin her day, of course) and ask to be seated at the back somewhere (so the children won't disturb, of course).

Or, skip the wedding and invite the newlyweds out for a meal, on you, to celebrate their wedding.

For now I think the parents are not invited but things can change, they know eachother and can forgive and forget the hhhorrible things they spit at one another. The parents are what they are, but DD and DS are happy to see them so I'm ok, I just make sure DH knows that at the first sign of trouble I'm out.
Arguments and silent treatment have always been in that family.
I suppose I'll have have to try to speak to the nice twin, but it's about her precious twin and that's going to be delicate.
I know I will never get an apology from anyone, and 'the toad's spit will never reach the white dove' but I want the evil twin to apologies for what she said about my dad (in particular) before she can see DC.

I (we) will read that book thank you for pointing it to me.