Sex life sucks, positive thinkin needed!

[JustLurkin]

Where do I start.
DH and I have been together 6 years. He's 40, I'm 29. Sex was great at first, but when we moved in together started going downhill. I mean when we do it it's usually still great, the thing is it doesn't happen very often. Main problem is, he works 24/7 and gets stressed/tired beyond imagination. He runs a business, those of you who are self-employed or have family who are know what it's like. I wouldn't mind if he half enjoyed what he does, but he hates every minute of it. Result - even tho he works from home quite a lot, and could in theory organise his time a bit better it never happens. He'll often sit and play a computer game for hours, bracing himself up for doing some work, in which time we could have done it but he's too stressed. Ah well.
My nagging along the lines of, woudn't a 9-5 job be better for you, wasn't very successful in better times, and now we're in a deepest darkest recession I should be glad he has any job at all. Of course now we have DS we both get even more tired.
Yesterday was the first time he actually stopped in the middle of the intercourse and said he wasn't up for it. Later apologised.

He's very affectionate and we both enjoy our hugs, we wouldn't pass each other without touching or giving each other a peck on the cheek or something. When we get flirty during the day he'd often have an erection but it's always at a time he's busy, or DS is awake, or whatever. It's become a must to negotiate a time which completely takes any sense of adventure out of it, and even when it comes to THE MOMENT it's usually me who has to bring it up, the lack of initiative on his part is just so frustrating.

And then he'd sometimes say, oh you nearly got it last night but you were out like a light. I keep saying, I'd love to wake up to being ravaged but he's just never going to do that.

When we first met we used to have sex every day (or almost) but when we moved in together it went down to once a week-ish. I thought that was bad enough. Now I think 52 times a year is a luxury. I soon realised the reason why he had more time for it before was that I lived abroad, I'd travel to the UK every few months and he'd make some time to spend with me and then work work work when I was away. Of course when we moved in together it all became part of the routine. That continued for just over a year, then for whatever reason it started happening once a fortnight, then we got married and almost immediately concieved DS.
I still think it's a kind of a miracle we even have DS because at the time we made him, we were down to once every 3 weeks.
Since he was born it's been roughly once every 3-4 weeks, but sometimes as long as 5, I'm getting desperate.

We're planning to start trying to concieve again in a few months time, I'm afraid to even think what's it going to be like when we have two kids.

I tried talking to him, cried (without him seeing), we even argued about making time for sex a few times but to no avail. He often blames DS, and it's true he's a very involved dad and helps me with DS a lot but the truth is, it wasn't much better before DS. I mean, we didn't have a "wedding night" until 2 days after the wedding!

The worst thing is, last couple of years there have been instances when, if I take more than say 15-20 min to orgasm he gets desensitised, and then he either has to help himself, or he just doesn't come at all which completely ruins it for me (both of us I think, but of course he won't say), and then he gets pains in his lads the next day and it's just horrible. I often think, I wouldn't mind if he at least masturbated once in a while (some practise at least!) but I don't think he does. Where me, I need a few sneaky ones to get me through 3-4 weeks of abstinence!

I just need some positive stories, those of you who've been in a similar situation please tell me it can get better! I'm prepared to wait till DS (and the prospective baby) start school if that's what it takes but I'm just worried, once men get used to permanent sexual starvation do they ever get their libido up again?

I love him to bits and I'm a faithful type, I sometimes day dream about being with someone else (not any real person) but I could never actually DO it.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!

just a quick note that many women take that long to orgasm....and who cares if he doesn't come at all sometimes....sometimes women don't - sex should not come with any rules. Once you realise that, the pressure is off.

Not sure how to answer the main Q tho as I was in a similar situation which ended in us separating (although it sounds like there is much more affection in yr relationship than we had so don't panic!)

The point in all of this is- does he feel worried about like you do? or is it some kind of joke for him?

TBH your expectations sound a bit OTT- many, many couples with young DCS/high pressure jobs manage it only once every few weeks- you have to accept that sex can go off the boil if either party is tired and stresssed. This is normal.

However, if you have seriously miss matched libidos or his job is taking up all his energy, then it is time for serious talking- perhaps with a counsellor with expertise in sex.

You've also got to appreciate that at 40 his sex drive may not be what it was - and with the added pressure of work, that might really dampen it down.

One other point- you are taking no time at all to orgasm! 30-45 mins is quite average but not all of that time is with actual penetration. And if you can come during actual penetration you are one of only 25% of women who can! 75% can only come "manually" etc- so maybe taking the pressure off him by trying that instead of penetrative sex might help as well?

P.s. sounds as if he has real issues with work- seeing a career coach might help or a coach who can help him with time management.

Also- he does sound very head in the sand and not willing to own the problem- if he was, he would at least get to grips with trying to do something to change his work pattern.

you need a very serious talk.

Age is not the issue. My h is 49- no issues there.

The intimacy is good, so all not lost.

He is worried about his sexual performance for some reason.

The communication needs to be more open and full. And you need to talk alot about sex, and how you feel about it, and even your sexual histories.

Maybe a counsellor if things dont improve?

53 we don't know that his age is not an issue. My DH is 57 and has no issues there at all , but all men are different.

However, 40% of men over 40 have erectile dysfunction problems some of the time. That's a fact- I had to research it once for some work i was doing.

So given the 11 year age gap it's not altogether surprising it could be a factor and he is not willing to own it.

But really, it's the lack of communication and his unwillingness to face the issue head-on that's the problem.

we HAVE talked about it. At mo, apart from that one time y'day, his performance wasn't a problem in any way. We usually take about 40 min to an hour, but that's including warming up and lounging in bed afterwards. Lack of enthusiasm is more of an issue, although I must admit when it all revolves around when we can rather than when we want to (which is understandable with a young kid) I've become less enthusiastic, too. That said, lots of sighing followed by "are we gonna do it then" would put anyone off!

His job drives me nuts, and I used to nag and nag and nag, I kept saying I'd rather be poor (grew up in poverty so I know I can) but have a husband. But in this economic climate, I can't really be complacent. Especially as I'm out of work myself.
As I said, if he enjoyed it I'd shut up and put up. But he loathes it. He knows himself he's not getting any younger and can't bear the same workload he did when he was 25. Also he does odd hours and that tires him out even more. THe thing is tho, I used to blame it all on his work and then I realised - while a massive added pressure, his work isn't the main problem. He's just a highly strung person and will always be like that. He can't wind down, he just winds up and up and up until he explodes. He can't delegate responsibility, either - before DS was born and he saw my mothering skills in action he was convinced he'd be the main carer!

Unfortunately councelling of any sort isn't something he'd ever consider. he thinks psychology is a gimmick and is also too clever for many of the standard tricks they use.

He keeps saying his business won't last 10 years (it's a bit of a dying trade he's in) but in another 10 years' time it'll have drained all blood out of him. He does half own up to his work taking over everything, but his point always is - all work is shit and someone has to feed the family. Can't argue with either, really.

I sometimes wish his business would just go bust although he'd probably stress out so much then it would be hell.

apologies for the verbal diarrhea - you could tell I used to write lots of essays

The thing is, I know he needs sex no less than I do, it's getting the mindset for it that's the problem. All he seems to think about is how much time it takes - he often says afterwardsm oh it's xx o'clock already, I haven't done this and that, etc. His bloody job is having a big impact on everything, not just sex, for example he's only gone to the playground with DS and me maybe twice this year. Another major issue, of course my family are all abroad and I want to see them at least once a year, now he won't let DS and me go on our own ("I have a right to be with my wife and child!") and of course he can't go away for long - so what usually happens is, he goes for a week and I go for 2 weeks. And the rest of the year we spend arguing about it. It's always a wrong time of the year, whatever time of the year, and why do we have to stay with my effing family, and how selfish of me to even want to see them. Don't get me wrong he's no tyrant, he's very gentle and caring the rest of the time, it's when it comes to going abroad he goes all Jekyll and Hyde. Aparently everyone else who lets their partners/kids visit their families oversees must be bad husbands/fathers to be able to spend time without them. His mum left when he was 8 you see so I think he has a massive fear of rejection.
Yet bloody FIL and BIL are here way too much and that's having an impact on our lives too, including time for sex. They don't bother asking whether it's convenient, whether we're busy, ill, whatever, they just turn up. There's no stopping FIL even when DS has a 39.8 C fever. We used to love on Sunday afternoons until FIL decided to move his fecking smelly dinner an hour earlier. His dinners take up two whole afternoons a week. My nagging in this department is improving things slooooooooooowly, but then again, as with DH's work, you don't want to nag too much. Still, DH used to never say anything to FIL about his insessant visits (yet all I here is, efffing dad this effing dad that) but he's beginning to speak his mind a bit. Problem is, both FIL and BIL are as thick as excrement and hinting is lost on them both. So, DH has recently mentioned it to BIL how the three of us want some time together and thankfully BIL has started turning up less. There's no stopping FIL tho coz he's also self-employed and for whatever reason we have to put up with his visits until he retires. Whenever that is.
One big move was for DH to say to FIL to not even think he'd be coming here every night to cook dinner for us when he retires. DH later said to me FIL's visits will be on our terms then but I'm not convinced. I think when MIL left, DH decided to be a mummy to FIL and BIL. He's certainly overprotective of them, but I'd say he is of me and DS, too.

I'm partly to blame too, I'm awfully disorganised. If I made sure DS was occupied every time DH comes home so that he could do some work rather than mind DS things might improve

TBH having read your subsequent rants about family life, I'd say lack of sex should we waaaay down the list of your problems.

When you wrote this:
Unfortunately councelling of any sort isn't something he'd ever consider. he thinks psychology is a gimmick and is also too clever for many of the standard tricks they use.

I assume those are the words you think he would use- rather than you believing that counsellors "use tricks"?

Your marriage seems to have a lot of problems-with time or effort for sex being simply one of them.

Your Dh seems utterly selfish. He won't "allow you" to visit your family without him. so does he handcuff you to the door or something or take away your passport? If not, why are you allowing yourself to be dominated? Just book your flight and go- you don't need permission - you are an adult woman.

And the way that his family imposes on your time is crazy. It's his role to talk to them- not yours. If he can't see the problems they are creating then you need to tell him- not ranting at him, but a serious talk.

He isn't a good dad or a good DH because he doesn't really seem to give a toss about your feelings- he's just buried under the weight of this business which is going nowhere ( and wasting time on pc games when he ought tobe working) and in the meantime possibly costing him his marriage.

How are you going to give him the wake up call he needs?

How old is your son? when you say you are disorgamised and DS needs amusing or to be occupied etc when your DH comes home, it sounds as if he is still a baby. Is he? And why can't you do the child care if DH needs to work when he comes home?

DS is two. Not a baby, but a very energetic, high maintenance toddler. I frankly haven't the energy for all the rough and tumble play he enjoys so that's daddy's job. Suffice to say when DH comes home DS instantly jumps on him. Then when I start cooking dinner I tend to just let DS get on with it. Sometimes he's fine. Sometimes he'll only last 15 minutes and then start pestering with DH.

DH only got 4.5 hours sleep y'day so I thought I should give him a break. Cooked dinner in advance so I could entertain DS when DH came home.

It can all work better if I do my halfpenny's worth, too.

Unfortunately DH came pulling BIL along. Turns out, BIL had been drinking in the office and was off his trolly and unfit to drive. DH had to finish off his work for him (rather than doing his own work, as it happens), take keys off him and bring him home to dry out. Then at 2 am drove him back to his vehicle, still parked at the office obviously, because BIL was meant to work the night.

BIL is an alcoholic and a massive liability on DH. On top of the fact he's too dumb to be of much use at work in the first place, but that's the downside of family business. He got really bad around the time DH and I got married. Now I have to say DH grew up with drinkers and initially, when BIL was only drunk at weekends, didn't see it as a problem. Took me some time to get DH to see what damage living with a drinker could do to DS, including the alcohol fumes from BIL's breath. The stance DH took y'day (and has been for a while now) is testimony to how his attitude has changed because he takes his responsibility as husband and father very seriously. Three years ago his initial reaction would have been to just ignore BIL, get his head down and do all the work for him. Now, he's having to deal with it. It's not easy.

Thankfully, FIL has never had a drink problem (that I'm aware of) but since MIL lets all those years ago, FIL has done everything he could to tie his sons down. Got them bogged down in family business, made them come home after college, etc. etc. DH recognises it all but has seen it as his responsibility to put up with it for too long. Of course the ILs take him very much for granted. They don't realise they exploit him, they are way way too simpe to see anything past the end of their noses. Unfortunately when one marries into this kind of family set-up (and of course I didn't know just how bad it was at the time), it takes ages to negotiate space.

I mean, lets say I were married into a very traditional asian family, how would you expect my traditional asian DH to say to them, no we don't want to spend every bloody weekend with the whole clan, we want to be going to the park on our own or whatever.
These things take years to change. Unfortunately I want my husband and my privacy ASAP.

As to going abroad by myself, of course no one's locking the doors or taking my passport away. However taking DS with me without DH's approval, I think you'll find that's called child abduction.

Of course I could always go on my own and leave DS with daddy. Which means i couldn't maintain the fragile connection between my family and DS, which totally defies the purpose of my going there. However, lets imagine I was that desperate to go. I think you'll find that's called child abandonement.

Either way, if anyone was to alert Child Protection I would have a hard time defending my parental rights.

As to going abroad by myself, of course no one's locking the doors or taking my passport away. However taking DS with me without DH's approval, I think you'll find that's called child abduction.

Are you serious? Are you saying that if you took your son on a holiday to your family, your DH would report you to SS and say it was child abduction?

I'm sorry but you are married to a bully- put it down to his culture if you like, but we live in England, not Asia, and women are treated with respect here and some autonomy- they don't need their husband's or family's permission to go on a holiday with their child and i think the law would give him short shrift if he complained- he's look ridiculous.

I also think you need to get a grip- sorry.

My DH worked a 12 hour day from 8-8 when my 2 DCs aged 4 and 2 were at home all day with me. My son was very demanding ( some medical conditions ) and it was exhausting, and I then late 30s- older than you.

At 29 you ought to have bags of energy.

Sorry- but i think you need to re-assess your family life and decide if this is how you want to live because i can't see your DH or in laws changing much.

Child abduction?! Seriously - that is bonkers. You can't take your child to see your own family?! If your DH is too busy then you should be able to pick up and go and give him a couple of weeks to concentrate on his work. I think that is seriously worrying.

That's a slightly hysterical summation 'I think you'll find' JL.

I think there is a very noticeable irony that your Dh feels he is " too clever for the' tricks' they use in counselling" - but not clever enough to run a successful business, and have a good work-life balance.

justlurkin are you mad ? Actually it's perfectly legal to take your own child out of the country for a holiday whether DP likes it or not ! And talking of child abandonment ? You are sounding quite histrionic . I am afraid with attitudes like that you need to take some personal responsibility for the situation you are in . You sound quite subservient IMO . Parenting is a 24 hr job . Your DH seems to have time for everybody else apart from you and DS. And you seem to be making this easy for him by your talk of occupying your DS when he comes home . I work part time and DH has a very stressful job but the minute he walks through the door he is equally responsible for our children . If 2 parents are in the house both parents should be parenting .

I also think your sex life is the least of your problems. Any DH that refused to have counselling I would be seriously doubting the future of the marriage and I certainly would not be planning another baby with him. It shows a complete lack of respect for your feelings , and disregards your happiness .

I wonder if the fact that your DH is 11 years older than you, and comes from a culture where women are subservient, is making you behave this way?

I also wonder if he has brainwashed you into thinking that some degree of independence is "against the law" and that he is threatening you if you dare do something he doesn't agree with?

There is no way you should be even thinking of bringing another child into this mess- and if you can barely cope with 11 child, how on earth can you manage 2- and the extra expense if your DH's business is in a mess too?

Agreed, sex is the least of your problems.
And you need to start standing up for yourself.
Your DH needs to get help in managing time and dealing with stress. If he's so much cleverer than the psychologists, how come he hasn't managed to figure out a way yet?
Also, he doesn't sound very nice.
He seems to feel that the way to deal with being unable to control his work is to control you instead. And you're enabling him.

"... by English law, a child cannot be taken abroad without the permission of both parents and others
with parental responsibility, save in very narrow circumstances.
Neither parent, if married, separated or divorced, can take a child on holiday abroad without the
permission of the other parent if there have been no orders made in respect of the child such as
a residence order. This includes even a day trip to Calais.
If a child is taken abroad without permission, it is a child abduction. There may be every
intention by the parent to return after a week or fortnight but nevertheless it is still technically an
abduction. There is the risk that the other parent might respond inappropriately in the context of
an innocent holiday especially if he does not know where the children are, and instigate abduction
proceedings. This can be expensive in costs. Permission should always be obtained to avoid
such a situation."
www.davidhodson.com/assets/documents/holiday_abroad.pdf

Did you know a parent travelling with a child in the absence of the other parent could be stopped at the UK border and asked to provide a letter of consent from the other parent, or proof that the child has only one parent? It rarely happens in practice but is always a possibility.

For that reason, DH always gives me a letter when we travel separately.

In my home country, an underage citizen cannot cross the border without either both parents present, or a NOTARISED letter from absent parent(s).

DH isn't the evil bastard you all seem to think he is. Yes he does turn into a bit of a pig when I start planning a trip abroad. But all things must be seen in context. He has a massive, very deeply rooted fear of rejection. NOt a surprise when the one person you love and trust the most leaves you at a tender age of 8. He gets very uneasy at the thought of not being able to see us for more than a few days. But, he also worries when I go out after dark.

We had a major chat the last time I went home and something must have clicked in his mind because he 's been better since. Also, he never used to react this way before DS was born - hopefully as DS gets older he'll learn to separate from him.

There's much more equality in our relationship than my previous posts seem to suggest. In fact, more than in many other families. In anything related to DS's upbringing, health and wellbeing for example I generally have it my way. Even with the ILs, he often does what I whisper in his ear. Telling them to frig off is a big ask.
DH does not come from a culture where women a sunservient, Amelia. That's not what I said. I said that expectations of extended family differ across cultures and individual families and that mustbe respected.

I myself had a bit of a shock when my old granny decided she could enter our bedroom without knocking. Luckily we were both up and dressed. Only shows that privacy within extended families is always disputed territory. We'll get there in the end.

As to Dh's work, when one has 70 hours' worth of it a week, there's little one can do to better manage it. How come he hasn't figured out a way yet if he's so clever? How come so many clever people are on the dole at the moment? What's more, most people actually don't get to choose their job in any meaningful way. "Work-life balance" is a very middle-class misnomer, sorry. Under capitalism, anyone who's in a job they wholeheartedly enjoy, should be regarded lucky, not the norm.

Anyway, merry xmas to you all and thanks for your concern.

Oh, and sex life has actually beengreat thisweek. The difference a few extra hours' sleep makes!

I'm sorry but your attemtp to rationalise your feelings over this child abduction issue by quoting some ( assume) legal website are mad.

This might be law in theory but it is not how 99.9% of familie s behave in the UK.

I have friends who don't live in their home country and have travelled all over with their children; none has ever had a letter of permission from their DH.

If you want to live your life this way- making excuses and also making excuses for your DH who needs to learn to "separate" from your child, then that's fine. Get on with it.

But it is clear to me and plenty others here that you are being bullied, suffering emotional abuse, and brainwashed.

A few recent episodeds of sex is not going to change all of this- and I bet the day will come when you don't feel like sex and he does- and you will be forced to participate.

I missed this As to Dh's work, when one has 70 hours' worth of it a week, there's little one can do to better manage it. How come he hasn't figured out a way yet if he's so clever? How come so many clever people are on the dole at the moment? What's more, most people actually don't get to choose their job in any meaningful way

This is I am sorry, utter rubbish.

Your DH has a problem managing his time.

You have gone from denouncing his behaviour up thread to now defending it.

why? can't you take the truth?

And millions of people choose thier jobs- me for a start- I love what I do which isin fact my 3rd career change in my 50s.

You really do have issues. Sorry.