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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

how do a leave emotionally abusive relationship?

24 replies

rotool · 12/12/2011 04:05

How do a leave with no money and no family support.? I can't do this any more and it's not good for my DS x2 but I have no money and no where to go and I know he will make it as difficult as possible,I'm scared he will take my ds's and turn them against me,he manipulates them all the time.
They have a great life here,so much space to play,ponies,quad bikes big house,is it OK to take them away to live in a 2 bedroom house with a postage stamp for a garden? I know all I have said isn't everything but I feel so guilty as I can't give them what he can although I guess they will have it if they stay with him at the weekends sometimes. Please help

OP posts:

AKissIsNotAContract · 12/12/2011 05:28

So sorry you are going through this. Are you married to this man? Do you have a joint account? Is there any way you can save a bit of money?

Your kids would rather have a happy mum than live in a big house.

Original poster

rotool · 12/12/2011 05:40

No,we are not married,we do have a joint account and I have no way of saving any money.
I know I need to be happy but I am so worried about what I will be taking away from them it is hard to see the bigger picture.
I guess I need to see a solicitor. It is all very complicated,he works for his Dad and can show low earnings to get away with maintenance. Also our house has a condition on it so it could take a while to sell,I do have at least 50k equity in it though. Just don't know what to do first.

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NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 12/12/2011 13:12

Just because he can show low earnings to avoid paying maintenance doesn't mean he will. And anyway, new CSA guidelines are coming into force soon whereby CM is based on gross income, not net.

Can i ask why you have no way of saving any money? And what sort of condition your house has on it that would make it take a longer time than usual to sell?

gorgeouslatinrose · 12/12/2011 13:28

if you are worried about him covering up his financial issue, you could start by photocopying bank statements, financial information, any important documents and putting the duplicates in a safe box at a friends house for them to look after. That way if anything happens, and he tries to cover it up, you will have the documents you need for proof. As for the house, it is bricks and mortar, its you and the children you need for a home. But why not get yourself down to a solicitor for advice, and they would be able to advise you more. Good luck.

Original poster

rotool · 12/12/2011 18:54

the house has an agricultural condition which means that only a farmer or farm worker can live in it. DP works for his father who has the farm at the top of the drive.
I have no way of saving any money because he has control of everything and all paperwork including our joint bank statements are kept at the farm.
He will use his low income to avoid paying maintenance.
He has said that if I want to leave then he wants DS's half the week,can he do this?

OP posts:

mumblechum1 · 12/12/2011 18:57

Has he been violent or threatened violence against you? If so, or if he's subjected you to major harassment, then you should apply for a non molestation injunction against him, linked to an occupation order (which would order him out of the house at least for 6 to 12 months whilst everything is sorted out.)

You are entitled to quite a lot of legal protection but you have to go and see a solicitor who will guide you through the process.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 12/12/2011 18:59

Yes I think that he would be able to have his sons half the week. Not necessarily a bad thing though. What sort of provision will he make for childcare whilst the children are with him though? How will he work and have the children.

Can you go and see a housing officer at the housing office.

Would he object if you were to open a savings account? Could you get a job?

Original poster

rotool · 12/12/2011 19:05

No,he has not been violent, just emotionally abusive and totally controlling. He is nasty for weeks at a time if I do something wrong. He doesn't let me have money,chooses my friends, is nasty to me in front of the children.
I guess I need to see a solicitor first but I am worried how to pay for it.

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 12/12/2011 19:06

you'll get legal aid. who gets the child benefit and child tax credit?

mumblechum1 · 12/12/2011 19:06

Check whether you may be entitled to legal aid (Public Funding) by going to the eligibility calculator on the Legal Services Commission website.

Original poster

rotool · 12/12/2011 19:07

I do have a part time job but have to hand over the money to him.
He would be able to get his parents to help with ds's as they live on the farm where he works.
Sorry to sound stupid but where do I see a housing officer?

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Original poster

rotool · 12/12/2011 19:09

He gets the tax credits,they go in the joint account but I can't touch them. I will have a look at the legal aid. Will all solicitors take payment with legal aid or do I have to find one that will?

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mumblechum1 · 12/12/2011 19:14

No, most solicitors don't do legal aid any more as it's generally not worth it, but most towns will have at least one firm who still do it.

Once you've established whether you're entitled, go to www.resolution.org.uk and look at all the family specialists in your nearest town. It will say whether they do legal aid.

Your solicitor will advise you to stay in the house if at all possible, to consider mediation and will help you to negotiate a separation deed. Because you weren't married you are not in so strong a position as if you were, however because the house is in joint names at least you will be able to get your share out. If he wants to keep it on, he'll have to raise enough to buy out your share. Valuation may be an issue with the agricultural occupancy clause, of course, but you will get something out of it at the end of the day.

GypsyMoth · 12/12/2011 19:15

Depends on your income, thought legal aid criteria was quite difficult to meet

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 12/12/2011 19:15

You first have to find a solicitor who accepts legal aid. Womens Aid or the CAB can help you to find one if you are having problems.

If you only work part time on a low wage then you are very likely to qualify for legal aid so don't spend any more time worrying about that.

the solicitor will go through all the necessary legal aid forms with you, you won't have to do it alone.

Have you talked to him about separating. Have you asked him to leave?

Original poster

rotool · 12/12/2011 19:18

looks like I am entitled to legal aid, my heart is racing just typing this,he scares me which is silly because he wouldn't hurt me,he's too clever for that. I wouldn't be able to live in the house on my own as I am not a farm worker so yes,he would have to raise the money to buy my half but is there a time limit on that?

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Original poster

rotool · 12/12/2011 19:21

I have tried to talk to him about separating, he just says things like 'that's up to you' or get me a solicitors letter'. He says he will want the ds's half the time and half the holidays and won't help me find anywhere to live.
I can't ask him to leave,I can't stay here on my own.

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FabbyChic · 12/12/2011 19:22

Get yourself a bank account quickly, the tax credits and benefits for the children are paid to the mother not the father. You will need a different account to get them paid into.

He would have to sell it to get you your money back, you will have to get a charge on the property so that you get your share.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 12/12/2011 19:24

Please don't take this the wrong way but what in Gods name possessed you to put £50k into a house that your not allowed to live in now?

Original poster

rotool · 12/12/2011 19:26

we have a declaration of trust so I know I will get my share of the house,I made sure we set this up when his father tried to put the house in DP name only even though I was putting in 50k.
I do have my own bank account. How do I get the credits put in my account,wouldn't I need him to agree? I wouldn't be able to do this until I had somewhere to go and I can't go without money for a deposit and there is no way he will let me take anything with me so I guess I would have to get somewhere furnished too.

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Original poster

rotool · 12/12/2011 19:27

Believe me I didn't have a choice,it's a long long story.

OP posts:

Original poster

rotool · 12/12/2011 19:32

NotSuchASmug I can live in the house now as he is here and he is classed as a farm worker as he works for his dad and he has the farm up the drive, If he left the house I wouldn't be able to live here on my own with ds's

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 12/12/2011 19:34

Could you go into a refuge in the short term? It doesn't matter if he's not been physically violent towards you.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 12/12/2011 19:45

yes, a refuge would probably get you housed much quicker than if you were to go on the housing list. there would also be support workers in a refuge who would help you with all sorts of things.

There is support out there and the more support you get, the easier it'll make things for you. Use the womens aid, legal aid, refuge, CAB etc etc etc. That's why they exist, to help people like you.

Knowledge is power.

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