Failing at everything

[minicorrect]

Since DD2 was born in the summer, I've been trying really hard to be a good mum as I've spent the previous 18 months commuting and missing out on DD1. As we only moved to the area 2 years ago, this has meant going to lots of groups to meet new people and make some friends. It is now paying off and I have some people I would definitely call friends which is fab.
However, in my pursuit of friendship, I've not stopped and now DP has said our relationship is over as I have put this bottom of the list. I admit this isn't far from the truth as I've also been trying to be a much better mum and play more with DD1 or try to involve her in what I'm doing. But with very little sleep in the past 5 months, I've not had the energy for anything else. DP is understandably frustrated and constantly making comments about the lack of sex but it's impossible with a co sleeping baby and a no naps nearly 3 yo. And all the comments do is wind me up and make me angry. I have absolutely no libido anyway right now.
Recently, DP has been spending more and more time shut away in the study on the computer while I've been left to do everything and yesterday I had enough. This is DD1's first sentient Christmas and I really want it to be special but DP has shown little interest in any of it so I've pretty much set everything up alone. In fact, if it wasn't for me, there'd be no Christmas!
So what do I do now? I am angry and fed up with DP for only seeming to care about insignificant stuff (buying a new phone when we're meant to be broke, getting carpet quotes despite having agreed not to do anything till after Christmas, etc).
I'm just so tired I don't have the energy for anything else until after Christmas now but this is already too late. Should I just accept it's over or fight to keep it going despite barely being able to care right now?
And if it is over, what on earth happens next? DP asked for one of the girls to get a flat and that has made me livid. Even though I understand the logic.
Oh god. I really am a failure aren't I?

You are NOT a failure. You have been deprived of sleep for months, you are exhausted, and you have very little support from your partner.

Only you know whether you want to fight to salvage the relationship. If you do, can you get some time alone with DP without your DCs so that you can talk properly?

Is it wrong of me to wonder if I do want to save this relationship? I often fantasise about life without DP - no more walking on eggshells or being judged for not living and breathing every conspiracy theory going?
DP is depressed and I think it's getting worse despite recently starting citalopram (which seemed to help with the irrational anger initially, but no longer does). I've had depression in the past so do understand it, but at the same time am fed up with it being taken out on me or DD1. When DP threw the washing basket at us in April and smashed it up I didn't mention it again - it was an action out of rage and I understood. However, I ripped the roller blind from the roller the other night out of frustration (it won't stay up) and I keep getting told how stupid I am for doing it.
We are speaking, but only just - more civilly for the sake of the children than anything, but there's been no further discussion about where we are heading. I put DD2 to bed and came downstairs an hour ago and not a word was said until DP disappeared and then went to bed.
I feel sad that things have come to this and guilty that I'm not doing more to help DP as I know much of this is about depression, but at the same time, I'm exhausted and miserable living like this and kind of wonder if it might just be better to let nature take its course. The anger is only being dealt with now to continue receiving benefits, the smoking joints never stopped despite promises it would when I got pregnant the first time - but it's not a big issue as it's very occasional when someone gives DP a "gift".
I hate the way DP speaks to me (stupid fucking whore, loveless bitch, etc) but it's when the anger transfers to DD1 I get most upset (mostly shut up, go away, etc, but far too much swearing in her presence as well).
The reality of ending this is frightening, but I'm not sure continuing is an option anymore either. I haven't even cried yet but then I'm nearly always with one or both of the kids so there hasn't been an opportunity to really let go. I know we should talk, but I almost can't be bothered. It will either end in DP shouting and ranting at me and me withdrawing into myself in fear of fanning the flames or we might agree to try again (as we've done before) in the knowledge that nothing's really changed. Or the one I'm most afraid of, actually agree to end it. And then have to discuss what happens next.
Oh god. What the hell do I do?

mini...so sorry to hear what you are going through. You have said yourself that you can not carry on like this. I would bite the bullet (for your sake & your children's) & sit him down & calmly talk. It can go two ways can't it...as you have already said. But you need to think about yourself & your LOs. I am not doubting that depression plays apart...but surely he would want to get better for not just his sake but his children. Is there any RL support you could stay with temporarily..just as a break? Give you both time to realise what it is you want. Wishing you the best.

Love, you are not the one failing here.

It's him.

he is failing to be a decent partner to you or a good dad to his DC. what you describe is more than just things not working too well at the moment.

This is not all about his depression, this is him using depression as a cover to abuse you. His abuse of drugs is going to compound the depression, if not actually be the cause of it. Dope is well known to make people more aggressive, and morose.

You need to call time on this, you need to give him the ultimatum that he needs to address his depression, sort himself out and stop abusing you and your children with immediate effect. Suggest he goes to stay somewhere until he is in better control of himself.

Once he is better, you can make a better decision about where you all go as a family next.

He needs that jolt. he needs to see that his behaviour is not conducive to family life and that he has to sort it once and for all, or he will lose it all.

There may be a chance he can turn this around (I'm being strangely generous today) but not without you taking a stand. However hard that is to do, it has to be done.