Help, I'm drowning...

[lady]

I don't really know what to do. I am feeling so very taken for granted in my house and no-one cares. I try talking to dh about it but he doesn't/can't. He switches off. So I get grumpy and he tells me I'm grumpy because I'm tired. need to get to bed earlier. But no offers of help to get the packed lunch ready/cook supper/tidy the kitchen/get breakfast ready etc. Tells me I shouldn't waste time on Eastenders - which I admit I do but it's my one luxury and I try to time eating at the same time when I would be sitting down anyway.
He leaves the newspaper open on the kitchen table, empty cans and bottles on the work surfaces, his tie on the hall table -- but here's the crux of it. He's having a very difficult and stressful time at work and he always use this as ammunition. he doesn't want to get up in the morning because he knows it's just more c**p coming up at the office, so he gets up 30-40 mins after me. Sometimes he then has a bath for about 30-40 mins. Two of our 3 children still need to be dressed, and all 3 have to be out of the house by 8.20. There are also 2 dogs, one a 4 month puppy who chews everything and steals things to cart off to her bed. He gets at me for shouting at my children every morning, which, in general I do, because we are always pushed for time and I have to do everything on my own. If I say anything he either tunes out or chastises me for picking a fight and tells me he's not capable of anything when he's not juggling all his probs at work.
At the moment I hate him. Just need to let off steam really. Need to talk to someone but there is no-one. Not allowed to tell anyone how difficult things are. Children don't eat anything I make for them. I want to go away and cry somewhere but can't afford the time.
Help... please.

I am so sorry, sounds awful and incredibly stressfull. Am sure others will have great advice. Lots of luck.

It's difficult to know how to help. Your kids wont really appreciate all you do for them, until they have grown up and had kids of their own.
Your dh is a different matter though. Is there any way he could get another job? It sounds like his job is really getting him down. A few years ago my dh was like this. He HATED his job. He got that way he got quite depressed. He was like a different person, he couldn't be bothered doing anything.
So i went on the internet and went ont the jobcenter web site, and printed a load of jobs off in his line of work. In the end, he got a job with less money than before. We struggled for a bit, money wise - but our family life was MUCH better.
How old are your kids? Could you get the older one/s to help on a morning for example?

I haven't got any advice sorry but I just wanted to wish you luck.

I'd like to sympathise too, it's crap isn't it?
Can't offer you any advice because little I have tried has really worked in ths department!
Good luck.

Sympathy and hugs from here too. Again not much advice, but know what you're going through, DH in very similar situation. He is so depressed now that he physically can't do anything about getting another job and is stopping doing anything at all, including contacting friends.

Oh poor you it sounds such hard work - especially when your DH seems incapable of doing anything about it.

My DH was like this at one point and actually gave up work and was off for 18 months. We stopped work 2 weeks before we found out DS was coming along and then was a stay at home dad after I went back to work.

When you are living with someone who is depressed like that you do need to look out for yourself as 2 of you in the same boat won't help anyone.

Do you work?

How about suggesting that he takes the dogs for a walk in the morning. It would get them out of your way, give him time to himself (which IME of my DP is very needed) and would also be quite bebeficial to him.

Could the children have lunches at school? This would ease a burden off you in the mornings. I hate making packed lunches and also hated the boring lunches my mum (struggled to have time to) make for me so I have vowed that when DS goes to school he is having school dinners every day.

There are some other threads with time-saving suggestions and I'd check them out. You don't sound like you'll get much help from your DH at the moment. But let him know that you are supportive. It is hard. When I came home from a long day at work, 6mths pregnant to find my (depressed, out of work) DP drunk on the sofa I was furious, but hid it, because I knew he would have preferred things to be different. 2 years later he has been a wonderful SAHD to DS for 9 months and now is working and whilst not loving his job, takes a much more pragmatic view of things. I didn't tell anyone that DP wasn't working until justbefore DS was born as I didn't want to admit how much I was putting up with.

Take care of yourself and DO NOT feel guilty about watching Eastenders. It's less time thanb he spends in the bath!

Hi Lady, I think you have 3 children age 5, 3 and 18 months (on other thread)
sorry that you are feeling down at the moment.

All I can suggest

yes you guessed it

go on strike

I know it is hard but let the housework slide etc until you get a little more appreciation from your dh.
As the other girls suggested in your other thread, let the kids eat breville butties or fajitas etc if they will eat them.It wont do them any harm.
One day when he has the day off work go out and leave him to it with the kids and the housework.
Even if you just do some window shopping or pop round to relatives or friends for a few hours you will be glad of the break.
Concentrate on yourselfits not being selfish, it sometimes is needed to survive and cope.
hugs
xxx

Not an ideal solution, but one thing i have found helps me not to get down in the depths (and very recently I spent alot of time hating DH) was accepting that he's useless where certain things are concerned. I only have one DD and work F?T at a job I hate, but DH works longer hours for more money and is constantly stressed. I've accepted that he is untidy, that he would be happy to live in a filthy pigsty, that he struggles to get his backside out of bed in the morning, needs to wallow in the bath for half an hour...you get the picture. To keep my sanity I've given in to the fact that the house is only "how i want it" for about 30 mins twice a week. Before i was exhausted from trying to do so much and was evil to live with and emotionally volatile. If my mum makes comments about the state of the house, I tell her I'm quite happy for her to clean if she wants to.

As for shouting/being short-tempered, DH trys this one on me from time-to-time. I then point out all the times he ignores DD, gets ratty for a few days. usually does the trick.

Oh Lady. Your post could have been mine 10 or so years ago. No real advice except that it WILL get better in time. My DH does this not-getting-up thing as well & it drives me to distraction. (his argument is that the children are old enough to dress themselves... but their clean clothes are in the airing cupboard in OUR room).

As the others have said, you need to talk to him and MAKE him listen- usually easier away from home & away from the children.

(((((hugs)))))

You are all so supportive, thankyou.
Yes, doormat, you're following me, they're 5, 3, and terrible 1.5 so not old enough to assist. And no, VERY unfortunately, this year ds1 has to take his own lunch (they found the combination of can't read, can't count (money) and can't make up minds impossible - though other schools manage...)so no way out there.
And another no. Dh can't change jobs. Family business.
But it helps so much to have support. One of the things I find really difficult when I feel down is that I feel everyone else can cope, and I'm the only one struggling. It's so good to know I'm not alone, and that there CAN be light at the end of these dark tunnels.
I have to say that the reason I am able to write now is that he has come home early to bath the kids, and intends to cook supper. But you know so much depends on how the day has gone for him. I dread him coming home most days - the later he is the more I dread it - because it can be so awful.
Anyway, thank you so much for all your support.

lady, correct me if I am wrong but I think you and I have the "same" family - my eldest is a boy of 4 1/2, my middle child is a daughter (nearly 3) amd my baby is a boy of 20 or so months.
When people see me out with the three of them they always say "my goodness, how do you cope?" I usually smile and say "I don't"!
Seriously, sometimes it is just mayhem in our house.
Can I offer some practical suggestions which have helped me? Bear with me if I am stating the bleeding obvious
Every night , set out EVERYTHING you need for the morning - a small pile of clothes for each child ( as well as a pile for you), packed lunches ready in the fridge, the breakfast stuff all ready etc.
I have recently managed to tear myself out of bed half an hour earlier than I strictly need to and it has helped a lot - I find getting out of bed torture at any time so it is not really any worse to do it a little earlier and it is wonderful to sit in peace with a cup of coffee for ten minutes.

Here is a tip which has saved me hours - always put your keys in the same place every day! Likewise children's shoes.

If you are at home all day with the kids, DON'T tidy up at all until , say ,half an hour before your dh gets in.There is no point in tidying up again and again all day long. Get your kids to help you tidy up. No dinner till the toys are put away! The only reason I think you should tidy up at all is it is very nice to have some degree of order once the kids are in bed and you get an hour to yourself ( watching eastenders or whatever)

You asked about getting them to eat in the evenings.
Can I suggest you move teatime half an hour later so they are more likely to be hungry? (with no snacks or drinks in the afternoon). This has worked wonders getting our three to eat proper (though limited in range ) dinners in the evening. Give them tiny portions .Just good healthy stuff, not neccessarily a "dinner" the way we think of it. Fruit and cheese, bread and butter,cold meat, raw carrot, frozen peas or corn, whatever. And no puddings or extras or alternatives if they don't eat what you put in front of them (if they all get eating disorders you can blame me)
Our evening routine is teatime, bath, and bed, all within the space of just over an hour,which means any flakeys anyone (including their mother) wants to have over tea or bed are all compressed into a short space of time and generally ingnored.

lady you will note I left out the main point of your posting - the lack of support from your dh. Can I suggest something a bit odd? (and risk being lynched)
For the time being forget about expecting too much from him, just beetle on and do it yourself becuse it soulds like he won't help anyway. Either he is genuinely worn out from work ( I have been in that posiiton myself) or he is a lazy thoughtless so and so ( I have been one of those too) and either way he is not worth much on the domestic front at the moment. Hopefully that will change.
If you are taking on most of the domestic/kiddy stuff all week it would be entirely reasonable for him to get up first at the weekends and let you have a lie in. Also from time to time can you get away yourself for a day or even overnight so he understands what your lot is like? Perhaps than he will appreciate you and help out more.
My brother and his wife have three kids. He works full time, she is home full time. She went on holiday on her own for two weeks when the kids were late primary school age. My brother took time off work to look after them thinking it would be something of a holiday. He could not believe how much hard work and drudgery was involved!!!He saw his wife in a whole new light and it transformed their marriage.

Thanks Beetroot.
Lady, I hope I did not give the impression you should resign yourself to the role of household skivvy as I didn't mean that. I hope your dh getsover the work stress thing and does more of his fair share round the house. If you really can't manage all the household stuff alone, what about assigning a particular job to him, such as doing all his own laundry?
I really think it is good for you to completely clear off for a few hours every so often and totally leave him to it . (ie don't have dinner prepared in the fridge and don't lay out the clean pyjames) That way you get to retain some sanity and he gets to understand a bit of what it is like for you.

Till fairly recently I worked full time and dh was full time house husband. I honestly had no idea what it was like to be at home all the day with the children, and would get very stressed at work, come home and wonder why my dh seemed so wound up . I am ashamed to say I could not understand why he showed me NO gratitiude over the fact I was the sole earner who as I saw it had the short end of the stick.

It is an incredibly common phenomenon I have heard referred to as "competetive exhaustion". Each partner considers their own contribution to be the harder and thinks the other has it easy by comparison.
Good advice from Beetroot re. getting a cleaner if your circumstances allow.
As for thinking the rest of the world copes,I wish you could see my house right now. Two out of three kids (and me) still in pyjamas, the third kid is running around naked. I'd better go and change a nappy which has been in place since 7pm last night

jasper, that's really brilliant advice.
I was thinking of something that might make lady chuckle on the drive home last night:

My DH really likes us to earn money together, as a family. He really hates us to do housework together, as a family.

It needs putting much better than that, so someone out there with a bit of a brian needs to make a witticism out of it.

Just a small tip regarding the packed lunches.
I make dh and ds1 packed lunches but i make the sandwiches/rolls on a Sunday and freeze them all. Neither has any salad veg in them - mostly cheese, pate, turkey, ham etc. Then I just take them out the night before and for ds1 add the usual squeezy yog, lump of cheese etc.

It definitely saves some time in those rushed evenings.

Jasper -HOW DO YOU COPE?!!! I have 3.5 yrs between the ds's but you must have under 3. As the others have commented your advice is good - but we are more alike than you think... All that stuff I already do - the clothes, the breakfast, except I don't get up even earlier to get that sacred cuppa and maybe that's the key. You are absolutely right about the meals, and I've actually posted another thread about this, I can't do the main meal at lunchtime because ds1 HAS to have packed lunch at school. Also dd is at nursery all morning and can barely keep her eyes open for lunch as she is so tired so can only manage her sandwiches (bar the crusts). Tea, bath and bed follow straight on from each other. There are no snacks. There are no sweets in the house.
Keys live in the same place. Likewise shoes. Unless the puppy has stolen them.
I have a lot of help in the house. We live in a big, old house, and it would not be possible to exist here without help. eg the washing machine is in the basement so you can't just shove one in while they're having breakfast. I don't do any of our ironing. I know, there'll be loads of you raising your eyes to heaven and wondering what on earth I am moaning about if that's the case but I have other pressures that you couldn't even imagine. But that's not what I posted for.
I think the most valuable piece of advice you give is to try to get on with it for the moment, and that's just what I need to be told. It's morale that suffers, but like anyone and everyone, it goes in peaks and troughs and sometimes it just all gets too much.
Thanks Jasper.

lady although I am currently dishing out advice I could just as easily have been asking for it.
Believe me I have wanted to run away and cry but had no time/nowhere to run/ couldn't find my shoes (in the days before I started always puting them in the same place).
As for hating my dh, yes, a lot of the time; probably more often than is healthy .We have been through some seriously bad patches but could not even logistically separate because of the kids !
As you say, it's peaks and troughs.
Big old house? Sounds like you and I could probably do a wife swap and noone would even notice.