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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

'd'p went on a bender tonight :-( Need some hand holding

24 replies

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 11/12/2011 00:29

Some of you may remember my thread from just over a month ago about the ultimatum I gave 'd' (well i suppose he's now ex) P whereby he needed to recognise he has a drink problem and stop or me and the kids are out of here.

Well he stopped. For a month. Until tonight. He's not been this drunk in so so long. He's never been this abusive either :(

I'm sat in tears with bags out on the floor not wanting to pack but I know I must I'm so so lost right now I can't stay here with him, my kids deserve better.

I'm so glad they're at their dad's right now and can't see this. What the fuck do I say to them?

Fucking hell i'm such a fucking failure. I gave up so much for him, moved the kids out of school to a new town left my friends behind everything and now this.

I can't stop crying.

Tell me it'll be ok.

Please

OP posts:

NunTheWiser · 11/12/2011 00:34

Of course it's going to be OK. You're about to get your life back. No stress. No worry. Being exactly where you and your DC want to be. Take care.

Luminescence · 11/12/2011 00:35

Call woman's aid. They can help you through this.

Ittybittysmum · 11/12/2011 00:36

Both my parents are alcoholic and I often wish someone had magicked us kids out of there.
Take care, op. And good luck tonight. My thoughts are with you.

Ittybittysmum · 11/12/2011 00:38

And you're not a failure. Getting your kids away from that makes you a freaking hero in my eyes.

Original poster

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 11/12/2011 00:40

I'm such a fucking idiot for thinking he'd sober up and change and that I could 'help him' fight his demons. What a fucking mug. What a fucking Idiot. I'm so fucking angry with myself right now :(

OP posts:

minceorotherwise · 11/12/2011 00:43

You gave him a chance. You tried to make it work. That doesn't make you a mug. That makes you guilt free when you walk away. You did everything you could and he messed up. Time to move on.

trickycat · 11/12/2011 00:46

What everyone else said. You are putting your kids first and that is the most important thing.

Ittybittysmum · 11/12/2011 00:46

You gave him the benefit of the doubt. You're clearly loving and strong. Now be loving and strong for yourself as much as him.

Ittybittysmum · 11/12/2011 00:47

And by that I mean, do what's right for you, stop enabling him, look after yourself!

SinicalSal · 11/12/2011 00:47

What a shit situation

Don't turn your anger in on yourself. Leave it where it belongs. You are not a mug or stupid. You gave it your best shot, you know you tried all in your power to make this work. It's him - or rather, his alcoholism - that has wrecked it.

Maybe he will be able to beat it. But you only have a finite amount of energy and you need it for dc and yourself. You can't do it for him, it's a waste of your energy which is precious.

You are protecting your dc and that is the right thing to do.

SleightiesChick · 11/12/2011 00:48

Don't be angry with yourself - you know what you need to do. No use feeling bad for what's done. Just get yourself out asap. The sooner you do, the sooner it all gets better.

Ittybittysmum · 11/12/2011 00:52

Echoing what the others have said. Please look after yourself, op.

Original poster

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 11/12/2011 00:55

Sorry. I can't stop crying nothing is coming out with any coherence right now.

OP posts:

KarenMillenCoat · 11/12/2011 00:56

Just a bit of solidarity. I've been where you are, thankfully before having children but there comes a point where someone's bad points outweigh the good and you just have to cut your losses. You've given him a chance, you've done all you can.

Perhaps it isn't entirely his fault but addicts are very selfish people. He isn't capable of giving you what you and your children deserve while he is one.

It'll be the best thing you ever did. I am so happy without the late nights and the drama and the spiteful words and broken furniture. You almost get conditioned into thinking its if not acceptable then normal but it isn't.

Make this as quick and painless as you can but remember its very necessary. Realy hope you are ok - be strong!

Pandemoniaa · 11/12/2011 01:16

Don't be angry with yourself. Be angry with the situation your partner has put you in and then pack those bags. You and your dcs deserve far better.

Don't think of yourself as failing either. Think of this as the start of something far better.

Onemorning · 11/12/2011 09:34

I'm so sorry, OP. Massive hugs to you xx

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/12/2011 09:52

It will be okay but you now need to stick to your ultimatum otherwise it will lose all its power.

ImperialBlether · 11/12/2011 11:06

You're doing the right thing, OP. You deserve much more than this.

Where will you go to? Do you have family you can go to?

HoudiniHissy · 11/12/2011 11:15

LOVE, let's get one thing REALLY straight here.

YOU didn't fuck up here, far from it, YOU are the one that held all the pieces together.

YOU were the glue in this relationship.

HE knew what you thought, he heard what you said and STILL chose to FUCK IT UP HIMSELF.

You can't help him. he has to do this himself. You can't be around him. Your DC can't be around him either.

If you can't get him to leave, for whatever reason, then you have no alternative BUT to leave.

Sweetheart, you really ARE doing the right thing. It may feel shit, but that is down to HIS failure, not yours.

((((HUGS))))

Jolyonsmummy · 11/12/2011 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

neuroticmumof3 · 11/12/2011 16:17

You're doing the right thing by leaving. The children will be much better off with just you. Give women's aid a call as well, they'll be able to support and help you through the changes you're making.

EllenandBump · 11/12/2011 16:44

You are not an idiot for believing that he would give up drinking, you believed it because you love him and sometimes we all want to believe it, although the reality is when we look deep down we knew that they would never change

You need to leave, he will never change or get any better.

CinnabarRed · 11/12/2011 19:18

I can tell you that your children really will understand how awful this is for you, and will love you for putting them first. I have been in the position of your children. You have not done a single thing wrong, nor is any aspect of this situation your fault. All the very best.

iamjustlurking · 11/12/2011 19:49

HAD to post and say I have so been there with my exh. Blamed myself became as much of a liar as he was as didn't want family and friends to know I had failed.

I was with him from age 18 to 34 I grew up with him he was my life, we had three gorgeous children. He was the "perfect" dad when eldest was little, they doted on each other. My youngest was 3 weeks old when it all totally fell apart. But you know what he failed NOT me.

Your children have you, 8 yrs later both my eldest two have chosen to cut him out of their lives he has still not stopped drinking and nor will your P until he decides enough is enough. The best you can do now is walk with your children and accept somethings just aren't meant to be.

You have not failed your children by believing you could have the happy ever after, you will fail them if you stay and leave them with the painful scars my eldest has been left with. No man is worth more than your babies.

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