Should I end my marriage?

[LivingNightmare]

My husband of 7 years had an affair for a few months earlier this year. He never admitted to sleeping with her but I have enough evidence that I'm 100% sure. He claims to now have cut all contact with her and things are sort of ok between us but I have recently started suspecting that he is still seeing her, just being more careful about it. I have no real proof, just a gut feeling and little things that make me wonder. We have three very young children and I am a fulltime mum. He is supportive and caring and looks after his family well. Part of me wants to ask for a separation (can't go on living a lie) part of me thinks I should just turn the other cheek, pretend everything is fine and go on with my life. What should I do? He used to be the love of my life but he has hurt me so much things will never be the same.

I couldn't Live with it but plenty on here will say it can be resolved. Gut feeling can indicate something but can also just be because the issues you have, have not been resolved.

~The fact that he has never admitted what you know to be true and (this is a guess) he has never worked through this with you, coupled with the fact that your instinct is screaming at you says to me that yes, he is still seeing her.

You have a choice.

Either you confront and give him a choice between complete honesty (in all things, phone, email, etc) and counselling to try and make it work. Or you leave.

Personally I would leave.

I found out by husbands affair 6 months ago and the only reason I am still here is because he admitted to everything, including things I didnt know about. He wanted us to have counselling, he gets pissed off (search for my posts on here) when I talk because he feel incredibly guilty and accepts my tears and my anger because he knows why they are happening.

If your H is just expecting you to sweep it under the carpet then it says to me that he doesnt actually care how you feel.

And if you do turn the other cheek, he will do it again and again and again. And one day will probably leave you in the lurch.

Take control. Dnt let him treat you like this.

thinking of you xxx

PS, my original posts about the affair were under the name "wtfdoido" if you would like to search them

I think listen to your gut feeling , but I would never advocate ending a marriage ( unless there are abuse issues ) without trying relate first ( if he is amenable to working at it ). Could you even cope financially or practically on your own ?

Poor you :-(
I don't have enough wisdom or experience to advise but would say..
don't turn the other cheek
xx

I don't think you are going to find the answer here, as some wise mumsnetter said to me recently we are just strangers on the Internet, and knowing that how could we tell you what to do with your marriage, however i imagine you are looking for outside opinions that may help guide you down the right path.

What kind of evidence do you have to make you so sure he cheated?

I am not saying he didn't but i am sure you would want to be 100% sure (i know you say you are) before you make such a life changing descison

Also are you prepared that you may have to get a job, or go through a huge life style change if you do separate/divorce?

Again this is not me saying don't leave him, but more think about what your choices are if you do.

Do you love him?

Are you prepared to forgive and forget to wipe the slate clean and move on from this or is it over for you and you just want to move on from this alone?

I personally wouldn't forgive cheating, but i would need a confession or proof, before i made any decision, however we do not have kids at the moment, so for me it would be easier to just leave.

There are clearly lots more points to think about, however these are a few to get you started.

Oh i forgot to say good luck with your decisions

Yes you should end this marriage.

You know he lied to you and you think his affair is ongoing.

The things you list as reasons to stay could be achieved outside of the marriage, so there is no reason for your couple relationship to continue. If you stay for those reasons and turn a blind eye, you will die a little more inside with each passing year.

If there is any love left on your part, you could try one last-ditch attempt to get him to confess all, end the affair and try to build a new marriage, but as things stand, there is no marriage to speak of.

Marriages can and do survive affairs. It will be hard to forgive, but if you believe in your vows- and he does too, then you have to weather the storms and not run at the first upset, even if it is an affair.

Your 3 children are your joint responsibiity so you both have to do all you can to ensure a stable home for them.

IMO an affair does not have to end a marriage. What is important is to find out why he had the affair, and why he still needs to see her- if he is.

I'd want to talk about it if it were me , get it out in the open and have a plan such as counselling to see if you can get it back on track.

He may well see that the grass is not greener with the OW if that is what he is thinking.

What I learned is that no matter what you say or do, no-one can end an affair except the people having it.

Trust your instincts. Your husband had no consequences for having the affair and has decided to continue it. He thinks you won't find out and if you do, you'll behave as before and stay married to him.

If you think in the future you may want to be married to this man, the best thing to do is to end it now. Gain some self respect. Have him respect you (he wouldn't have respected you for putting up with it.)

If you know you won't want to be married to him in the future, end it now, too.

I'm so sorry this is going on - I know how awful it is.

ImperialB- is this what you meant as it's a bit weird?

If you think in the future you may want to be married to this man, the best thing to do is to end it now.

I get really peed off at so many MN saying run at the first hint of trouble. There are 3 kids involved here.

Unless the OP comes back and tells us what proof she had that the affair was physical, or that it is now, then this is all theoretical.

The consequences of an affair do not have to be divorce. they can be ending the affair and seeking counselling, and rebuilding the marriage.

I mean that if she wants him, she has to get him to respect her. He doesn't respect her now (sorry, OP, but a man who continues in an affair, knowing what it's doing to his wife, doesn't respect her.) If she chucks him out, he may well realise what he's lost and respect her for not putting up with his crap. They may then be able to build a relationship.

I agree that some kind of ultimatum is required- but chucking out assumes he will go at her asking. it is his house too, and she can't make him live elsewhere if he doesn't want to.

No she cant physically force him out, but she can end their relationship on the understanding that it will be permanant unless he sorts himself out.

Just because he wont move out doesnt mean she has to engage with him.

The OP did try to forgive, even though she knew her husband was lying to her and forgiveness with only half the story is not worth a light anyway.

She did not 'run at the first hint of trouble'. She stayed and tried to work things through. Now she feels that she can't get past all the lies, especially as she thinks the affair is ongoing and that she's still being lied to.

No-one 'has to' forgive infidelity, of any kind. As for the children, her husband should have thought of that before having his affair. No-one needs to put up with an affair and someone who lies to her. This marriage would only work for this OP if there was some belated honesty and an assurance that the affair was over - but even then it might be too late, as to have had any chance of rescuing his marriage, the husband should have come clean and ended the affair permanently.

You've chosen the rightname Stern!

The point is surely that if this is so cut and dried as you imply, the OP would not need to ask a bunch of internet strangers- she'd see it just as you do- but she doesn't- hence asking for advice.

Thanks to everyone for your input, interesting to see such different opinions on the matter!

A few things. My strongest evidence that he had a fullblown affair was that he had booked a 3 night trip overseas with OW when he was supposed to be elsewhere. He only ever admitted to thinking of having an affair but really how stupid does he think I am??

He refused to go to counselling but have discussed and addressed some marital issues. If I felt sure affair was over I think I could forgive and move on.

Very hard to know whether I just have lost my trust for him and am overly suspicious or whether I should listen to my instincts.

Maybe he feels too sure I would never leave him, that I'm too dependant. Maybe I should've kicked him out when I first found out, maybe he then would've realised what he had to lose.

I am not happy but I would also hate to split up the family it would be traumatic for everyone and life would be hard for me. He loves the kids but in reality because of his work would have limited contact with the them.

I am not sure if I still love him, I think part of me still does but he is not the man I thought he was.

Don't feel there is any point confronting him unless I have anything concrete, he will just get pissed off and deny it. If I find something concrete I would ask him to move out, which I know he would.

If he loved his kids that much, he wouldnt have cheated on their mother and risked tearing their world apart, would he?

And you dont need anything concrete to end the marriage.

You are unhappy, he has cheated on you and you suspect he still is. He has refused to get the outside help that you, the person he should be bending over backwards to keep, need and want. He gets angry and lies to you.

All of that is enough for you to end the marriage if you want to. There is no law that says you can only end if you have a sheaf of hotel receipts and a stack of emails or texts proving his infidelity.

Of course I could end it without anything concrete I just meant there is no point confronting him about the affair without any proof.

The past few months we have lived as if this never happened and he has made an effort of telling me he loves me, taking me out etc. I don't think he wants to lose me. It felt quite good for a while but I can't stop these thoughts and suspicions, it's awful.

Usually, the reason for canvassing opinion in this situation is because of the complexity of the ties that bind.

One of the most helpful questions is:

'Would I be staying in this relationship if we had no children, joint assets and I had complete financial independence?"

If the answer to that is "yes" followed by "I love him and I think he's capable of change" then it's worth a shot. The more years in the 'happiness bank' are also a factor. But even then, that 'shot' has got to be from the platform of complete honesty, fidelity and a willingness to change.

If the answer to that is an unequivocal 'no' then a person has got to weigh up whether her personal happiness and self-respect are worth sacrificing by staying. It's almost impossible though, to envisage the effect that choice has on a person and the people around her, especially the children. Many people who decide to 'turn a blind eye' to infidelity become very cynical and bitter and children always pick up on a parental relationship that is characterised by resentment.

I would imagine this OP is coming out of shock, but the fog is clearing a bit and she now has a greater sense of what she has lost and what she wants from a marriage in the future. It's no bad thing to take your time about a decision like this, but if the signs are that nothing has changed and there are still secrets and lies, it's better for a person's dignity and emotional health to call it quits.

Like another poster said too, this actually might save the marriage if it's worth saving and provide a wake-up call to this wretched man who continues to think he can make a fool out of the OP.

Cross-posted, but wouldn't change a thing OP.

Your instincts are very very probably right.

Whether you choose to confront him is up to you.

Its the classic case for him of not getting enough attention (3 young babies)

If you confront him you must be prepared to end it

If you don't end it, you must be prepared for him to do it again, which is very likely

Posters say that it could make the relationship stronger and whilst there is a nano chance of this, I vere on the side of it won't.

You will forgive and he will do it again.

I'd say, he has shown his true colours and..........

Just to back up my post.

I had a friend (that is not anymore)

She had children

He cheated once

She forgave

He actually cheated again with the same person because his wife had another baby and he felt neglected (what a poor man)

She asked him to end it, he made the other woman a partner in his business due to thinking his "business world may collapse"

Other woman actually left the company.

She forgave again.

They went to portugal for a family holiday and he actually made a sexual hit on her brothers wife's sister.... Yuck

She even stayed with him after that. I left the friendship.