I've been feeling a bit weird over the last 2-3 weeks, brain full of cotton wool feeling, finding it hard to concentrate or empathise, generally feeling up and down (but more down, TBH) and DP has been irritating me constantly over little things which never bothered me that much before, and I keep being mean to him :( and I don't know why and I don't realise I'm doing it until immediately afterwards and then I don't say anything because I feel too ashamed. I've been meaning to bring it up.
So I've been unsure about whether there is actually something about him which I don't like and it's just that moving in has made that part more obvious, or whether it's just me, being weird and reacting badly and it will pass, or maybe it's just that he did move in too soon and I needed some more time and space. But wanted to get it straight in my own head before I talked to him.
But then last night he asked if I wanted to come and have a cuddle/chat on the sofa and I would have done 5-10 minutes before, because I was bored, but I'd just started talking to someone, so I got frustrated that he hadn't read my mind and asked before (
) and then I can't remember how the conversation came round to it but I said "I think I love you" and then it of course started a big major conversation and now I'm even more confused and upset.
He said that I don't have to love him, but that (obviously) he doesn't want to be together if I don't, but if I need some time to work it out that's fine. And that he is happy and he loves me and he wants me to be happy. We talked about him maybe moving out (but staying together) because I felt that it was too soon when he did move in, in some ways it's been great, but in others I've felt really stifled, and it's not the fact that he would object or whatever to stuff that I want to do but that I feel I should keep my "real self" hidden in case he didn't like it or thought it was weird. I'm struggling massively with this and I know it's my issue to deal with, I just don't really know how. He is such a sorted person and seems to know exactly who he is and never has any doubts or agonise over which is the right decision to make. He just knows what he wants and who he is and goes with it, and it makes me feel really chaotic and like a complete mess of a person who just stumbles along and worries constantly about stuff and is always behind and forgetful.
And anyway, by the end of the conversation I was feeling a bit better and like perhaps the irritations were things we could get over and like it was going to be okay, but I'm doubting again, he said this morning, don't think about it, just, what do you feel? What's the immediate, instinctive reaction to a simple question? And my feeling, the gut, immediate feeling is that I love him, but that's the part that I'm doubting. How do you know if your heart is right?
(I have to go to a party, so I'll be out for a bit, but I needed to post before I chickened out, so I'll be back later.)