hostile nieghbours

[Spuddybean]

DP and i recently moved (5 months ago) to a new area. I don't drive but a friend who died gave me his car (i cant drive) so DP drove it up and parked it on the street (it's all taxed and insured and i am currently learning).

Parking on our street is tight. DP has his own car and we pulled up outside our left neighbour's house and as we were getting out of the car the neighbour (never spoke to us before) came out. i smiled and said hello. He shouted 'can you park outside your own house' then slammed his door.

Then we parked opposite and the neighbour came out and said 'is that your car too' (pointing at my undriven car)? so i said yes. She said 'weeeell (really drawn out and sarcy) it hasn't moved for 4 months' so i explained. And she tutted and turned and slammed her door too.

We had an amazon delivery of books and weren't in so neighbours to the right took the package in. didn't tell us. then i was looking in the garden during a rainstorm and saw the parcel in a puddle on our patio. so i went out and it was our books. When i asked them, over the fence, whether they knew how it got there they said they took the package in and chucked it over the fence, in the rain, while we were at work - the books were ruined.

they also have a dog who jumps into our garden and shits everywhere! when i tell them, they say it's not true, but our garden is covered in dog poo and their dog is in our garden all the time.

i don't really know what to do as i want a good relationship with neighbours (DP travels loads and i would like to know in an emergency i could knock on someone).

So how can i build a decent relationship with them?....All?

Hmmmm. What awful miserable people.
I know it's probably too late now, but in Japan, when you move into a new neighborhood, you take small gifts to your nearest neighbors; a set of hand towels, or a box of cooking oil (I know, it seems odd), or a box of soap. I think this is a really nice thing to do.
I always tell my students to get out there in the world to sharing with others that respect and good manners is the foundation of a safe and happy neighborhood. The Japanese often feel inferior, they wish they were taller, could speak better English, have the 'blue eye' and so on, but I tell them that what they have - this respect of respect - is worth its weight in gold these days, and I wish that more of them would travel beyond their borders to spread the world.

If I was you, I'd bite my tongue because they sound like awful, miserable gits, and pretend that none of the negative happened, and give them a Christmas card and a small gift for Christmas, to break the ice, pardon the pun.
And if they continue to be twats, work on finding some friends who aren't necessarily neighbors, but who you can count on if you need some help.

Sorry about the stupid typos..spread the world? What's that?
I hope you get my gist.

When you live in a road where all of your neighbours have no choice but to park on the street, it's a tad unfair to leave your car outside someone else's house for longer than a few days.

If you're learning to drive why isn't your car moved around regularly? If it's going to stay undriven for months, wait your moment and park it outside your home so that you're the only who's inconvenienced when having goods delivered or needing to unload a carful of items.

With regard to the dog, secure any fence/wall that divides your gardens or put a 2' trellis on top so that it can't jump over. Alternatively, take photos of the trespasser in your garden, bag up its excrement and hand it to your neighbours when you call to ask them to make the fence secure.

Re the wet books, that's something you should have taken up with Amazon if the driver did not leave a card in your door saying that your items had been delivered to another address.

That said, I wouldn't be best pleased with a neighbour who took any item in for me and threw it into my garden. As they're obviously lacking in neighbourly skills, I would suggest you keep your distance from them and hope that they move in the near future - although maybe giving their dog a Christmas present from a £ shop might serve to make them more considerate.

Get a box of Chrismas cards and deliver them through the letterboxes of all of your neighbours say, 10 houses each side of your house and and opposite properties. I spent a year or 2 sending cards to all at no. X from all at no. Y but I soon became on first name terms with the majority of my neighbours simply by exchanging greetings and pleasantries with those I encountered when walking down the road or maintaining my front garden and, consequently, our cards are now more personal.

Where I come from newcomers are greeted with gifts of food and offers of help and are generally made to feel welcome in the neighbourhood but this doesn't tend to happen in cities or big towns. Unless they've gone out of their way to be helpful buying gifts for neighbours seems completely over the top to me, although I do buy small Christmas gifts such as poinsettas or foody goodies for my immediate long-standing neighbours as they do for me.

On the whole I prefer to keep on cordial but relatively distant terms with neighbours and socialise elsewhere, but I always make it clear that I'm willing to help out in an emergency.

I have had my share of difficult neighbours in the past. The strategy you should adopt must depend on whether you think a) a bit of give and take will ease the situation or b) they must understand that you won't take any nonsense.

Re the dog: I would tell them once that they must keep it confined to their property. If they don't, contact the authorities. I wouldn't tolerate that at all.

Re the car: obviously you are somewhat at fault (and in situations like these, it is important to keep one's nose very keen so you don't look like you have a feud going) but the lady's reaction was not constructive.

Re the books: by rights they should pay you for causing them to be damaged. Were they expensive?

Unfortunately it is necessary with some people to be firm beyond the point of unpleasant before things will improve.

..and with some people, it is necessary to declare war and win. I have managed to get three neighbours evicted from various places. On one occasion it involved getting the other neighbours to phone the landlord at 2 in the morning when yet another noisy party was going on. Landlord got the message, but it was a high risk strategy.

Thanks for the advice. I'll have to agree to disagree on the car front. People don't own the street and have no right to park outside their own house. We cannot park outside ours as (apologies as i don't know how to describe this so i may sound deranged) a bottle neck and pole thingys outside.

We pay our tax and insurance so therefore can park our cars wherever we like. We have 2 cars (as do most people here) on a terraced road, so every house only has room for 1 car outside and must park their other car in front of someone elses house.

I suppose having lived in London all my life i have got used to the idea that no one seems to ever be able to park outside their house. Growing up we were lucky if my parents even got the car on our street!

DP and i both commute on trains to work and even the car we use only gets moved once or twice a week. Whereas everyone else here uses their cars daily.

i just find that whole 'i have a right to park outside my own home' bizarre.

but cheers again for the opinions. :)

It may be odd, and you are right that people have no right to park outside their home. But the reality is that people do feel this way and you are asking what you can do to get along with the neighbours.

This is something you can do. Fine, it's odd. Fine, it's not illegal to park outside their house. but it does piss them off. You're the one who wants good relations with them. If you were saying, you know what, fuck em. I'm going to tell them that I intend to litter the back garden with green and blacks super dark chocolate so they'd better make damn sure their dog doesn't get in the garden and I'm going to buy an articulated lorry and park the bastard across ALL their houses and I'm going to take up the drums, then fair enough, you could have the 'they can suck it up I'm doing nothing wrong' attitude

But you are complaining that they're hostile and you're wanting good relations and that means you have to give a little.

Really you should either sell the car or park it off the street somewhere else. its really selfish to leave an undriven car there for months on end outside someones house. Its etiquette. Id be real fucked off if you parked outside my house for four months considering I like to be able to get my shopping in at the weekends.

I can understand why they're annoyed at the car thing, especially if you don't use it. Bad manners.

I have had the dog thing happening, and though I was annoyed, I fixed the fence so that the dog couldn't get through. That meant we didn't have to argue with our otherwise cordial neighbours!

omg cant believe what the people are saying about the car! we have the same issue with parking round our way but nobody thinks or acts like this!

sorry to say you can park where you like.

as for the other stuff i would send xmas cards and be friendly when you see them but if they dont want to get involved theres nothing you can do.

No reasonable person leaves their car parked outside another car owner's house for four weeks let alone four months, Santie.

I suggest you post on AIBU and maybe you'll discover that the secret to having good neighbours is being one yourself, Spuddy.

Yes, you can park where you like, but it's not very neighbourly of you at all to park a car that you don't use outside someone else's house. It is not illegal, you are correct, but it is not at all conducive to good neighbourliness. You want to have good neighbours, well you need to act like a good neighbour, too which you are not doing by leaving your unused car outside their house. If you don't use it, then park it somewhere else.

I am a bit gobsmacked by the car thkng tbh. When I lived in London I could never park outside my flat, (basement flat in edwardian terrace in Hammersmith.) AND I had to pay 60 quid for a parking permit (as did everyone). Quite often, when I got home late from work, I couldn't park in the road at all and had to go a couple of roads away. Once I had my car stolen. It was just London living. It was the same hassle and nightamre for everyone I should think. First come first serve. Most families have two cars and some families in my road had three - mum, dad and the au pair.

I never took any notice, it was just a hassle I lived with. I certainly didn't even clock who's car was parked outside MY flat when I got home. I just wanted to find a space, get inside and open the vino.

Your neighbours sound bloody horrible. But it's weird, parking/car issues seem to bring out the absolute very very worst in people. I am having similar problems with my neighbour and she has been absolutely foul - language and insults. Really shocking. I don't get it - but then she doesn't like me. Maybe your neighbours just don't like you. Shit happens. Maybe you are pretty/loaded/drive a nice car/dress well/are 'blowins' as they call non-Devonians down here. It's crap behaviour from your neighbours and I really feel for you.

The answer i have found, is to simply not engage. Don't look at them. Don't respond. Just go about your life and slowly try getting to know some people either further down the street (which is what I have done) and ignore ignore ignore.
Apart from the dog shit thing - that's out of order. But don't bother bringing it up with them. Just secure your fence somehow to stop the dog getting in.

Sorry you are going through this. Parking issues are, for some weird people who think they own a road or a town or a bit of flippin tarmac, is like road-rage; they people into frothing-at-the-mouth-aggressive nutters. Just Ignore. Do not engage. If they shout at you again, perhaps say quietly 'you are harrassing me. Please leave me alone'. NO smiling. Just Firm.

With that attitude I'm not surprised you are having trouble

Just because in London parking is XYZ doesn't mean it is everywhere, and as the new person it's up to you to fit in with everyone else. We live in a road where parking is tight. Most people have their 'own' space so everyone fits in. Then you get a "strange' car that turns up. It parks in the space of house A, so they have to park in front of house B, who then has to park in front of house F. It causes no end of problems. We had someone left a strange car outside our house for a week, and I was annoyed enough at that. 4 months and I'd be steaming.

You say you want a good relationship with your neighbours, but you aren't acting like it.

It's extremely annoying to have people park outside your house all the damn time, everyone in our cul-de-sac has a drive with space for at least 2 cars, we keep our cars on our drive at all times but, when DD comes home from uni in her car or FIL/whoever comes round in his, can they get in front of our house? Not a chance because of all the selfish fuckers in the street who have drives but don't use them.
The space outside your house may not belong to you in law but it damn well does morally. We are smack bang in the middle of our road and everyone who ever comes into it seems to park outside, sometimes blocking the drive, it is rage inducing and I have accidentally caught a few cars with the wheelie bin.

In any case , you should never leave a car parked for months without using it, your tyres end up with flat spots and the handbrake may seize, especially in the winter.

Mal
I reckon it's the obsessive gamer in you that causes this unnecessary rage.

Where we used to live there was never a problem with parking, there was plenty of space fir everyone. But I remember when my neighbour went abroad for 5 months and left his car parked in front of our gate for that whole time. Nothing malicious, it just wouldn't have crossed his mind or ours for that matter to park it elsewhere while he was away.

But god it was annoying, especially when you had heavy stuff to unload from the car, it irritated us A LOT.

Yes you have the right to park wherever you like, but if you want better relationships with your neighbours then park your car elsewhere.

And can I just point out that it would never normally irritate me if someone parked over my gate, it was just the fact it was there for months on end with no option to ask him to move it when e.g. We were filling up a skip or returning from Ikea with furniture.

You live in a house with one parking space.

You own two cars, one of which hasn't moved for four months.

Therefore, for four months someone has been carrying their weekly shopping that extra 10 yards in the pouring rain.

You want a solution? Move your car and apologise for the inconvenience. I predict that the dog will magically become under control and your garden will be clean...

Well I suppose it does depend on where you live OP. Are you in a city/London etc? If people actually have a DRIVE and they don't bother using it when they know spaces are very tight in a road, then yes that would be infuriating. (I would KILL for a drive!!)

But honestly, people just get so wound up by this parking thing - when they actually really Don't own the road. Parking is not a moral issue ffs. It's a pain in the ass.

I mean, if you have a friend to stay for a few days where do you get them to park? Surely you say to them 'just try to get as close to the house as possible. But there might not be spaces so you'll have to go further away...' ? Isn't that common sense? Or 'I will move my car outside number xx's house fifteen doors away, as if you park there she will insult you and I don't want that so I will take the crap from her.' ?

My 'neighbour' has been so bloody awful about the parking issue here that I have taken my son out of the school her daughter goes to (so that we are not leaving for school at the same time with her cold hard face in mine every bloody morning) AND put my house on the market to get away from her.

I am not suggesting you go that far OP - you have only just moved there!

But honestly, it sounds like they need to get a bloody life frankly.

What has the difficulties parking in Londaon have to do with a place where clearly it isn't such an issue?

I would be very annoyed to have someone abandon their car infront of my house because round here space isn't a huge issue, i don't think it will be helping with neighbourly relations tbh, i'm not sure what advice to give as you clearly think differently.

If you rarely even use the car you have why do you need two anyway?

Maybe the OP has been clonked on head by a neighbour wielding a claw hammer?

Re the dog our neighbours cat used to poo on our lawn all the time so I bought this stuff called scent off which apparently repels cats and dogs, seems to have worked so far. If not just fling it back over the fence like they did your books.

About the car, yes I'd probably be a wee bit annoyed if someone had a car they didn't use parked up outside my house all the time. Whilst I know nobody has a right to a space at least there is usually an outside chance of parking in front of your own house. You have taken away their chance and you don't seem to care.

YABU, you are being inconsiderate. You have two cars which you park outside your neighbours' houses. One of those cars you never use. The other one you use maybe once a week. No wonder they are pissed off and giving you the hard shoulder.

You dont actually need two cars at all do you?Why not just sell the inherited one and share your dh's when you pass your test-you really aren't being fair to your neighbours at all.

Spuddybean, I grew up in one of the older London districts with the usual cramped parking. To clarify my earlier post:

1. I don't think it's reasonable to complain about someone else parking outside one's house unless one has reserved parking there.*
2. It is reasonable to complain about a car being left unused for months in a crowded street. Better to move it or garage it.
3. Your neighbour should have asked you to move the car and given you a reason why, instead of muttering sarcastically and (presumably) assuming telepathy on your part.

NB: I think flinging the crap over the fence is perhaps not a bad idea, but at the end of the day, you can get the council involved if your neighbours won't take steps to keep the dog on their own property. If this happens, you don't want to be seen to have contributed to a feud: crap-flinging might have this effect.

*My father nicked a couple of traffic cones and actually used to put them outside our house to keep the space free!