I'm feeling so desperately sad. Sat here on my own, as usual

[ThrowMeTheHappyPills]

I'm not crying. I do however, have a lump stuck in my throat that has been there for the past few weeks. People keep saying things and it almost pushes me over the edge but not quite.

"Are you ok?" Yes - I'm fine. (I wish)
"Don't you mind being on your own at Christmas?" - No, doesn't bother me. (as if)
"You're looking stressed?" - Well I'm not, I'm fine (Oh don't get me started)
"You sure you're ok? ...... Throwme? You sure you're ok? " - "yes "

I can't keep it up much longer. But what's the point in crying? doesn't get you anywhere does it.

what's your 'story'?

Crying is Not Good. You will get puffy eyes.

It's just a long boring story of crap relationships, me being a loser, me trying hard not to be a loser and back again.

I can't remember a happy christmas. I'm dreading this one.

Crying is a good thing IMO. Tell us please it might help. Why are you alone?

I'm very sure you are not a loser, having a bad relationship (or two) does not make you a loser, just that it has gone wrong with that man for a set of reasons specific to that situation, not you

Crying can be a good way of getting things out.

I will mostly be alone at Xmas too.

what do you like about yourself, enjoy doing?

relationship history is not everything as far as your value as a person goes! it's only part of who you are, but you seem to define yourself solely through lack of success there. You sound like a good person (definetely unselfish).

Listen love, there are worse things than being on your own!

Being with someone as nasty as my X for a start.

I am on my own this Christmas, OK i have my mum and sister to see, but I have no man in my life, only my DS.

This time last year I was with someone who terrified me, someone I hated, but was scared of. This year I have one less Christmas present to buy!

Chin up chuck! There is always Mumsnet!

I wont be alone at christmas, but am sure I'll be spending some of it wishing I was (seriously), being alone doesn't have to mean being lonely, do you have friends and family you could pop round to ?

Nothing wrong with being alone at Christmas. It's an awful lot better than being stuck with a houseful of people you hate, or with a partner who is either abusive or a total lazyarse that you have to pick up after while doing all the extra Christmas cooking.
Being single is great, relax and enjoy it.

I'm just fed up. I think it's due to a combination of a heavy work load and christmas coming up. I feel lonely. I hate it when people ask me if I'm ok because it brings that lump in my throat closer to my mouth and I'm trying so hard to keep it down there. I've never had a good relationship and that's why I don't miss any of my exes. Most of the time I can pretend I don't feel it but not at christmas. I can't pretend at christmas. It gets me ever year. I'm not THAT bad that I'm totally repulsive to everyone, surely? I just don't get what went wrong and I'm terrified it will never go right because if it doesn't, what's the point?

Love, I know exactly how you feel, in fact I felt exactly the same way last night and posted a similar thread (I think it's on the second page now).A good chat with a close friend, and the fantastic support on MN helped me put it into perspective, and I'm feeling a lot better today.

You sound lovely, and I know how difficult it is having to put on a happy front all the time while masking feelings of disappointment and loneliness. You are definitely not a loser, the only real losers are the horrible people that make others feel as if they are.

I'm sending you a warm unMumsnetty hug.

I used to always go to my mum's on Christmas day then a few christmasses ago they decided to start a new tradition of going away for Christmas. This leaves me totally alone throughout the whole christmas period. Now the first year they went, my grandparents kicked up a fuss saying it was awful how they'd buggered off and left me and it was selfish of them to do that etc etc and they invited me around there. The year after my mum invited my grandparents to go with them and they jumped at the opportunity. I realised then that they were not bothered about me that first christmas at all, they were just pissed off that they were not invited.
I don't know why that sticks in my mind so much.

OP, did you ty to analyze what went wrong before? if there is a pattern, you have to recognise it, so you can change your thinking, or how you see yourself, so you become more confident! Maybe you aer attracted for hte same type of men, which is no good for you? these things can be changed.

Oh OP, that is SHIT! Jesus if it wasn't so sad you'd laugh at it wouldn't you? Christ some parents can be crap. Mine have their godawwful moments too

Main thing YOU have to do is work out what YOU want and do it. Please yourself love. Seriously.

can you go abroad too, with all your family?

Can you not invite yourself along? Say what you need - people can be stupid and selfish and need the obvious pointing out to them.

You know when people ask if you are OK.? What would happen if you said, 'no actually, I am having a hard time'?

OP, I've also found that Christmas heightens certain emotions, especially with regard to family relationships. Hurtful things always seem to stick in our minds more than pleasant things, don't they? And there's so much pressure about Christmas being a wonderful joyous sociable family-oriented time.

My dad passed away when I was very young, just before Christmas. For years that made Christmas a very awkward, sad, stilted occasion in my home. When I had the DCs I decided that I was going to change my Christmas arrangement and therefore disassociate it with the old memories. This means that I do all the traditions a different way round, allow the DCs to run (nicely) amuck in a way to counteract the old stillness, have whatever we want for lunch, which is usually the turkey extravaganza but doesn't always have to be, have lots of music on, then put my feet up and read magazines and have a long bath when the DCs have gone to bed. Because I've made Christmas into something I personally enjoy, instead of trying to cancel out former misery and meet the expectation of normal, whatever that is, it's a lot lot better these days. Perhaps you can try something similar? HTH.

I try to analyse it all, my problem is that I always settle for less than I want. I recognise that now and won't make that mistake again but although I don't mind being single in general, I just wish I had someone to talk to, someone to cuddle up with a couple of nights a week, someone to drive out to the beach with and eat chips in the car!!! see I don't want much, I don't need expensive gifts and fancy restaurants. I just want to be with someone I can connect with and someone who actually wants ME and not just anyone with boobs.

I couldn't go abroad with them autumn, they'd make me even more depressed. They just sit there in silence. Stepfather watches old movies all day, my mum sits there pretending to enjoy them, my grandma sits there knitting - I suppose I should see a positive in the fact that I don't have to be there

I just feel so lonely It's been a hard, stressful week though so maybe my nerves are shot. I don't know, it's not like me to be so emotional.

I don't want to sound glib but have you thought of volunteering to help out somewhere like Crisis at Christmas? I know it won't solve your problems but it would take your mind off them and give you a different perspective on them.

In the end, Christmas is only one day. Get up late, go for a walk, watch some crap telly and it's soon over!

Sorry, having trouble keeping up with replies.

If I actually said "No, I'm not ok" my mum would relish in it and go around telling everyone "see! she admitted she's lonely!! told you!!" honestly. She doesn't mean to be like this, but she just is. She gets excited about people's illnesses and people's misfortunes. I think it's because she's so desperately unhappy also she feels better if other people admit to feeling shit too. This is why I don't tell her things. I have no close friends. I'm quite anti-social actually which doesn't help. I long to go out with the guys from work and once I'm out I sit there counting the hours until I can go home. I don't know what is wrong with me. I always wonder why I never get chatted up when I go out and I'm starting to think it's because I always look so bloody miserable I probably frighten people off!

Mumtabulous - my father also passed away when I was young. It was September, I'd just started secondary school. Then everything just went wrong after that.

I do try to make christmas fun our way but it's hard when your eldest child just wants to be left alone in his room all day and your youngest is only happy if he's on his xbox.

OP, then it's only good dthat your Ps aer abroad as you'd only be bored if invited. I understand very ewll what you want (someone wanting YOU, not A woman for sex), I'm also without a partner at the moment after a couple of bad recent choices, and also question how to meet the right person - it IS hard, especially if you aer generally used to be in relationships, to me it's sharing thoughts and things to do that is missing most, too. I don't despair though, as if you step away, and not concentrate on search for a while, you aer more likely to meet someone, I try to focus on other interests again, and trying to find pleasure in the world around, apart from men. Try to cultivate femakle friendships also meanwhile. TRy to see life as bad (long)patch/good patch, it's normal.

I'm sorry to hear about your dad, hun. It causes a lot of turmoil when these things happen at a young age, whatever the relationship one has with the deceased parent and the damage definitely sticks.

I think a lot of the desperation and loneliness people feel is exacerbated when they are well aware that there is no one or seemingly no one in their close circle who will understand or empathise, and in your case, I would not bother telling your mum because you will not get the response you need and then you will have the burden of worrying about her response on top of your original problems.

The party-lonesome feeling is very common and I think your lack of confidence and self-esteem is definitely not helping there. This is then compounded by the reactions or rather non reactions you are getting, so it's a vicious circle really.

It sounds like your DCs are a bit older than mine if they are at the "solitude" stage - and that makes it a bit harder. But what I want you to try and do is not think of Christmas in terms of pleasing others - I want you to do something that is good for you, that doesn't mean you have to be selfish but I want you to start taking very good care of yourself.

I don't think I could manage Crisis at Christmas if I was feeling really down, although it is a lovely idea and I think it is better if you hibernate somewhat, but in a positive, morale-boosting way.

How did you meet your exes, if no one chatted you up though? An unhappy mother is very bad as a role model. You have to take inspiration from someone else, a person you admire? It's a bit far fethched, but try attending lectures/meditation of buddhist tradition - tere aer many for beginners and it's not intimidating. They really do teach you to focus on the joys of life and see yourself as part of the harmonious whole, not too much self-focus (i.e. less misery). Threr is also a good book 'Ask and It Is Given' (Hicks). you aer too stuck in the negative view of the world. It's not easy at all, but these things help to an extent.

It sounds stupid, but how about using one of those online suggestion generators to hep you work out what you'd like to do? What do you enjoy doing? What ambitions do you have? Think of a bucket list, and start going after those things? Do one of them on Xmas day?

Sounds to me like your mother has taught you that a woman without a partner is a failure. This is bullshit. Believing it is why you (general you) make poor relationship choices - if you feel you have to have A Partner you put up with all kinds of shit from horrible men and scare off the nice ones by smelling of desperation. What sort of things do you like doing? Work on developing an interest, passion or hobby, it could be campaigning for something, creating something or participating in something fun. The great thing about getting involved and excited about something is that it also puts you in touch with a mix of people rather than the sort of mundane Noah's Arkers that the unhappily single often find themselves stuck with.
As to Christmas, if you are going to have your DC with you why not collaborate with them on each choosing some sort of treat for Xmas Day - ie a particular something to eat/activity to engage in, and as long as it's affordable and doesn't involve putting anyone else out, you all get to do whatever it is you want to do, whether that's an hour of solitude without being nagged to join in and socialise, or a Pot Noodle with a sprig of holly on it.