Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU for not being over it yet?

9 replies

Bogeyface · 09/12/2011 01:02

Yes I know it isnt AIBU but according to H I am!

my daughter is 6 months old and when she was 5 weeks old I found out about his (minimum) 6 month sexting affair.

Apparantly I am BU because I am still "throwing it in his face". From my POv I am still upset and hurt and although I have agreed to give it a go, I still need to talk about it.

I said tonight that I had been thinking that perhaps divorce might be the best option because he doesnt want to talk about it, and I need to and as we cant meet in the middle then there isnt really much else we can do.

So I am a bitch (he didnt say but ykwim) because I am ending our marriage!!

OP posts:
LittleGingerbreadHouse · 09/12/2011 08:30

No you are not.

He chose to have an affair. He is failing to address the consequences. He is not acknowledging the hurt he has caused which is continuing to hurt you.

Nobody has to stay in a relationship that is painful.

Have you been to counselling to discuss this? Would he go?

myrubicon · 09/12/2011 08:45

Sorry youre going through this.

Agree with Gingerbread - no you're not being U. I am 11 months on from discovering something horrid and I still struggle & doubt.

You do, for your own sanity and the sake of your marriage, need to work on finding a place where your are emotionally stable. You may never forget but resolving the fallout in a way you can accept is really important. He also needs to fully understand the effect his actions had & continue to have on you, and he needs to be unconditionally supportive of your needs.

I find his not wanting to talk about it a little worrying. Does be understand how hurt you were/are & that HE has work to do?

Would he agree to a phone call with you + a relate counsellor?

SolidGoldVampireBat · 09/12/2011 09:51

Has he appeared sorry in any way, at any time, or is his attitude 'Well, I've not left you, you should be grateful. Or else I might leave'.? Some men seem to think that the worst thing they could do is leave you and render you single, and that by threatening to leave they can ensure that you compy and grovel and indulge them in every way.
Point is, it's fine to be angry and hurt. It's OK to decide that actually you can't trust him any more and want out of the marriage. Especially as he doesn't sound as though he thinks he has anything to apologise for.

GypsyMoth · 09/12/2011 09:55

I have read your posts before. Your pain is very much apparent when you mention this

I think couples counselling/ relate would help. But that's if he would go. He sounds defensive. Do you think it was only texting? Or more to it?

I feel for you....all of you. It crops up more and more these days, this kind if thing. I don't know how modern relationships will cope with all this 'easy to cheat' tech which is around. I fear for our children's adult relationships.

Charbon · 09/12/2011 12:47

There's not enough info to advise, but from the little you've posted I'd say your instincts and feelings are serving you very well indeed.

Your partner was unfaithful to you while you were pregnant and at your most vulnerable. When a man does this, it's often because he knows you're vulnerable and won't walk out on the relationship. It's a form of arrogance and disrespect that tells you more about his character than the infidelity alone. That he thinks you should be 'over this' after only 6 months and his refusal to talk, tells you even more about his character and personality.

Usually, a truly sorry person who regrets his actions and would do anything to save the relationship, would not behave like this.

You say it was a 'sexting' affair and this suggests that you found out before it became physical. If you truly believe this to be the case, then you'd be better off believing that this would have become a physical affair, but for it being thwarted.

It's possible that your partner is is telling you that he's pissed off at getting all this grief and he didn't even have sex.

What he means is he's pissed off that he got busted before he got the chance to have sex and regrets that fact - and is possibly even angry with you at some level that you took his new toy away.

If any of this has you nodding, then your feelings about the future of the relationship are entirely normal, self-protective and healthy.

Original poster
Bogeyface · 09/12/2011 15:09

He has apologised.

We had a blistering row last night and he got more and more shouty, which is why I posted.

He admitted this morning that it was because everytime I try to talk to him about it it stirs the guilt in him even more. He admitted he shouldnt have done it (the row, the affair is a given), apologised profusely and said that the Relate appointment we had to cancel (no ones fault, work issues) we should remake asap.

He desperately wants to make it work, admits full guilt and admits he finds it hard to talk about but knows we need to, but me mentioning the D word last shook him to the core (dont know why, surely he must know that I would consider it?) and thats why he kicked off.

So we are going to Relate (which was his suggestion initially btw) and hopefully we will get some sort of help to be able to move on.

Who knows? Gotta be worth a try though hasnt it? Hasnt it?

OP posts:
LadyMedea · 09/12/2011 17:35

I'm a big fan of an American site called Marriage Builders... This page on forgiveness really resonates with me so maybe it will help you too www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

Part of the problem with my DH (are we separated at the mo... I don't know but it's bad) is failure to properly reconcile after he was unfaithful a few years ago. I realise now that while a tried to forgive him he didn't offer any 'compensation' (check the link to find out what that means in this context). So the problem that caused the infidelity never went away - primarily his inability to express his needs.

Relate is a good start, it shows that he's up for change. So hopefully you will find a way through to full reconciliation.

Charbon · 10/12/2011 00:41

But you do know why the D word shook him to the core, don't you?

It had never occurred to him that you would have the guts to do that, even though what he has done is grounds for divorce. Sexting and 'emotional affairs' are currently one of the most prominent citations of unreasonable behaviour on divorce petitions.

Relate's only going to work if he's prepared to change quite radically - and that means being willing to talk whenever you need to and not just in the sessions.

Have you asked yourself why you want to try to forgive, incidentally?

CrispyHedgehog · 10/12/2011 02:22

I'm 23 months post discovery and realised recently that I'm still not over it. I tried having therapy but found it just made me feel worse so I stopped after 8 months.

6 months is no time at all.. I think the general view is that it takes at least two years but everyone's different.

sorry for the short post, I was just on my way to bed when I saw your thread.

Be kind to yourself xx

New posts on this thread. Refresh page