Don't really like a friend anymore, but she hasn't actually done anything wrong!

[beaker25]

Don't really like a friend anymore, but she hasn't actually done anything wrong!

Sorry if this is long, but I want to explain properly and not drip feed.

Friend and I first met when we both 18 and became very close, she's always had some 'quirks' but these didn't bother me much when we were younger. When we were both about 25 she moved abroad, we still maintained friendship via email. About two years ago he moved back to out home country. I was pleased she was home, and saw quite a bit of her but things seemed very different to me, conversation stilted and awkward. She's always been a bit obsessive about music, while she was away though she got really involved in a very niche music scene. Shouldn't be a problem normally but she will talk about it for hours when we're out. She just won't accept that it doesn't really interest me. She tries to show an interest in things I like but it's pretty clear she's not really interested, and would rather talk about music.

I assumed we still just needed to get used to each other again, so carried on seeing her once a fortnight or so. It's now gotten to where I really don't enjoy spending time with her. She seems to have lost contact with most of her friends in this country and still views me as a best friend, although I don't feel that way about her to be honest.

I'm going to list some of her faults know which I know will seem bitchy but it helps put into context why I feel like this! She can be really quite rude to other people, almost aggressive. She really doesn't realise she's doing it though. She gets very defensive easily. I find conversation quite hard with her as she takes things the wrong way easily, so I often feel a bit on eggshells about what I'm saying. She seems to be constantly falling out with people, in trouble at work (she's been sacked from two jobs since she's been back.) She always suggests that we go out for drinks. The first few times we met, I assumed she was getting public transport home as she'd had a fair bit to drink, but actually she's been driving home every time which makes me really uncomfortable.

I actually don't think she enjoys spending time with me either, but that she's clinging on to me because of a lack of other friends. When we're out, she often seems frustrated with me that I don't know and am not as interested in the music she's into. She seems to know that things aren't how they used to be, but she seems to think that if I'd just develop the same interests then everything would be ok.

I feel really bad as she is at heart a very loyal person, she has always been very kind to me. I don't want to hurt her feelings but I don't feel I can continue to be the kind of friend she needs. She is having lots of problems at the moment, and regularly emails me for advice etc. I feel pretty trapped by it all really, and I've found myself worrying about it loads. So far I've carried on meeting up with her when she asks, emailing with her advice when she asks but I'm finding the whole thing quite stifling!

I'm really just posting this to get it off my chest, but any other perspectives would be most welcome. It's a very small problem in the scheme of things but has been bothering me alot more than it should!

I had a close friend at school who I lost touch with. We met up. It was lovely to see her again and meet her children but it was auite awkward at times and we have barely had any contact since.

I had another close friend at school and we hadn't seen each other for more than 5 years though we texted/emailed/occasionally talked on the phone. We met up. It was like we had seen each other the week before.

People and friendship change and need different things to keep it going. Other friendships just pick up as if no time has passed by. There isn't enough time in anyone's lives to do all you want too, don't waste time and emotion on things you don't want to do.

That's very true FAB, I have other friends I don't see for years on end, then see the an everything's totally fine. Also friends where we've just naturally drifted apart. I keep hoping that the natural drifting apart thing will happen here, but doesn't seem to have done yet! I'm not sure whether to do something to end the friendship. Ignoring emails/ calls etc seems cowardly and wrong (and probably is!)

Don't ignore, just take longer to reply and put less emotional energy into your responses. Don't meet up as often - it's the Xmas season, so it's perfectly valid to have lots of other engagements or be saving money for presents etc. Signpost her to other social avenues rather than being available yourself. Perhaps with less frequent interaction, you'll enjoy her occasional company more.

Usually, people who are into a niche music scene want to socialise with each other. Or is the stuff she likes so niche that there is little or no access to it where you both live?
Generally I agree with BW, don't drop her so much as taper off the contact.

Er, if this was a bloke, people would be saying (based on your description- seeming 'rude' to people, having specialised interests and obsessing about them when other people might not be interested, beign socially awkward) that he had Aspergers and should be getting support and people should be nice to him. It's actually a huge sexist element that prevents women with AS from getting help and sympathy as men do, and are horribly underdiagnosed. I think you should be more tolerant, and possibly try and help her find other support/help if you can't cope.

SGB she does know lots of people through the music scene and has friendships with them, but they're almost like work friendships. She is quite well known in this scene, it's almost like a job to her, so it's almost like she has a slightly professional relationship with them rather than friendship if you see what I mean? I think I'm the friend she has who she tells the stuff too that she wouldn't tell the music scene people.

Wibbly, I have wondered if there's something like that at play. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I'd help her find help, if that is what she needs? What sort of help would that be likely to be? Counselling maybe? She did have some therapy while she was abroad, but the therapist sounds a bit odd to me. E.g my friend fell out with another girl (lets call her A) My friend told the therapist about A and the therapist said A probably has borderline personality disorder. Surely a therapist can't diagnose someone they've never met?? Anyway- that's a side issue!!

wibble - I thought Aspergers too.

Wobble - just out of interest what % of people have aspergers? Genuinely interested as it is often mentioned on MN...

I don't really know much about aspergers, would someone usually be diagnosed as a child. She's seems to be getting more and more, erm, quirky as she gets older. She used to get on with my friends and with my DP really well, where we could all spend lots of time together. When she first came back I invited her out with my group of friends quite a few times, but it didn't really seem to work. She seems to dislike my DP now too, which makes things harder. It would be a bit less intense if we could go out in groups rather than just me and her.

I went off on a bit of a tangent there, but can something like aspergers show more as someone gets older??

I thought poss AS too, am pretty sure that's what I've got. In general female AS people are more sociable than males, and better at learning social skills. All my social skills were learned from scratch, from the age of about 14 onwards, before that I had one friend at school, who is still my friend 50 years later. I tend to have two or three very close friends. Part of it is that I am a bit face blind - really really bad at names and faces, which means it's been harder to make friends as on meeting people for the 2nd or 3rd time I am often not sure who they are, while they know who I am. Or I have walked passed people cos I don't recognise their face and they think I have blanked them. Add to that some difficulty in timing what I say in a conversation...

I tell you all this in case you recognise any similar traits in your friend?

I think now someone would be more likely to be diagnosed as a child, but in the 'olden days' (which is before about 1980 according to my dc) it wasn't so well known. I've a friend was diagnosed about 8 years ago and he's in his late 30s.

Rudolph what you say about learning social skills is interesting. She can actually be very good socially in the right situation, but it's almost like it's not something that comes naturally to her, maybe because it's a skill she's picked up, rather than an innate skill? She can be very intense and she asks lots and lots of questions about people, which was one of the nice things about her, but sometimes it seems like she's doing that because she feels she should, rather than because she wants to.

She is very good at remembering names/ faces as long as it's a situation where she's expecting to meet people. I've walked right past her on the street before, waved, said hello. She looked right at me but didn't actually recognise me. She does say she's done this before with other people too.

Rudolph, if it's not too personal a question, if you were the friend, would you want me to mention any of this to you? I don't want to go diagnosing her with anything but I wonder if there is anything useful I could do to help if there is something? Maybe she knows anyway! Thanks for your input so far, is very illuminating!

She does have a sister who is a psychologist, surely her sister must be aware of something? Or maybe she is too close to her to see it. MY DP keeps saying that he thinks she may have AS.

You basically don't like her that much, so it's time to ditch the friendship.

My father is far to old to have had a diagnosis, but I am sure he has it. It made growing up v difficult. Do you know what her parents are like?

Will post at more length later,lots of things in your OP ringing bells.

Rudolph, her dad is very aggressive, very socially awkward indeed, has fallen out with his entire family apart from his kids. Friend has very complex relationship with him, she recognizes and dislikes these traits in him but is still very close to him in a way. He made growing up very difficult for her too. I don't know much about her mum but they are close and have a pretty 'normal' relationship.

xmas, I was feeling a bit down about it when I posted last night. I know I said I don't like her but I don't think that's true today. I'm feeling frustrated with her though! When I've spent time with her it's easy to feel that some of her quirks are down to meanness, but I don't think they are really, and I should try and remember that.

Hi again, my dad is underlyingly kind, but doesn't realise how his straight talking can hurt. And sometimes there are what I call landmines - I touch a nerve that I didn't know was raw, and he goes off on one - he has slammed the phone down a few times!

Here is the most useful link I know of, with a list of the common Aspergers traits, and the traits which differ between male and female. www.help4aspergers.com Explains why I was obsessed with Narnia as a child, and since then with rats, the Buffyverse, etc etc!

Good traits, which unfortunately get you into trouble in the real world, include believing everyone is equal (leads to problems with superiors at work!), being honest instead of more diplomatic (again, leads to problems at work!), loyalty.

The only reason really to get a diagnosis would be because of work - so that the condition can be taken into account with reasonable adjustments.

Did you perhaps have a shared enthusiasm when you were younger? And now she would like to share her current enthusiasm, music? Perhaps you could find something else she is interested in which would fire you up?

Anyway, have a look at the link, and let me know what you think.