My sister and utter twat of an ex.....

[AbbyAbsinthe]

I really need some help with this please.

My sister has been separated from her husband for about 2 years and they were divorced in the last few months. They have 2 sons, 4 & 3.

From the minute I met him, when they got together, I couldn't stand him. Which is ironic because I've liked all of her boyfriends a lot, until the one she married.

Anywaaaaay. We've barely ever spoken - he knows that I don't like him, and I live 150 miles away so it's not a difficult job to keep out of his way. It was a borderline abusive marriage and caused a distance between me & my sister.

My sister has had pneumonia twice in the last 6 weeks, and has been hospitalised both times. He had the children overnight a couple of times while she was in, and then he got bored. Once he phoned her in hospital to tell her that the boys wouldn't go to sleep Now he says he won't have them because he's 'missing out on things'. She's been told to strictly rest for 2 weeks since she came out of hospital, but she can't. Her boys are hard work.

My mum is helping as much as she can, but she's tired, looking after the boys in the daytime and stuff.

Honestly, I could go on all day... he's just a prick.

So here's the thing. When he goes to the house, he tries to kiss her, to cuddle her - he buys her flowers..... he wanders around the house as if it's his own (he's never lived in that house, she moved there last year), he tells her if it's a mess. She's a strong old bird, my sister, but she's intimidated by him - I think over the last couple of years it's become clear to all of us that he has mental health issues.

I genuinely don't know how to help her. Does anyone have any advice? I alternate between feeling useless and wanting to find someone to break his legs. I won't of course

Sorry this is so long. I'm just at a loss.

She needs to keep him out the house but that's easier said than done especially atm when she's so weak still and he's dangling the carrot of 'respite' over her.

She needs to get well THEN deal with him. FWIW I was in a very similar sitch as your sis

Were you babyhammock? How did you deal with it? I want to see her deal with him... I want to see someone deal with him. My mum won't give me his phone number, and I completely understand why - I can't even trust myself. This shit has been going on for the last 5 or 6 years, and I hate him.

It just seems like he can do whatever the fuck he likes. Nobody stops him, nobody tells him it's not acceptable. He rings my mum all the time complaining that my sister is rude to him... they've been separated for TWO YEARS.

is there anywhere she and/or her kids could go to give her a rest? when I had a broken arm and bad knees (came off my bike) my dh was rubbish. I had a 1 and a 4yr old and had to stay with my mum because he couldnt cope (hes never lifted a finger except to scratch himself). Could she call in any favours with other mums for collecting and returning kids? she can return the favour when she's well.
with regards the x - Hes missing out on things? - poor baby - his kids are missing out because mummy cant recuperate. some men just dont get it.

It must be infuriating for you, but you can't make your sister kick him in the cock and ban him from the house. All you can do is keep supporting her, maybe with gentle questioning and comments as to how unreasonable his behaviour is, until she comes to the decision on her own to cut contact with him.

Abbey i've pm'ed you.
x

I've been trying that for years, SGB. She hates him. She barely tolerates him, but she needs him, you see - she wants her boys to have a good relationship with their father, and she enables him all the time in all his wanky behaviour because of that.

But this... touching her, and trying to kiss her is new. And worrying, frankly.

I'll be back to this in an hour, just need to do some stuff. Will read your pm then babyhammock - thank you.

powerhouse she spends a lot of time with my mum, and her friends have been quite helpful when she was in hospital & stuff - I'm not sure anyone realises how much she needs to rest. My mum does - but she can't help with the exh - they all just let him get on with it because they need his help, what there is of it.

He can be shouting at her and calling her a cunt one minute, and the next day he's trying to touch her up & buying her flowers. Believe me, she does NOTHING to encourage him. She can't stand the sight of him.

Have you tried pointing out to her that this man's influence on the boys is Not Good? He clearly treats them unkindly and it can't be much fun for them to hear their mother being called a cunt and see her being groped in a way she doesn;'t like? Also, there is nothing more stressful than trying to rely on an unreliable, unreasonable person, it is much better to cut contact with the person because, even though some things are harder in the short term, what you no longer have is the stress of wondering if the person is going to help you this time or let you down again.

This is exactly what I think, SGB. To have someone picking and choosing when they do and don't see their children is worse than no contact at all.

However - she won't stop him seeing his boys - commendable in a way, but it just doesn't work! Plus, at the moment, some rest from them is better than none.

When she's better, she needs to face this. We're not very close, due to us falling out a couple of years ago - because of him. I do speak to her often, but for me to start telling her how to deal with this wouldn't be good, I don't think. But I'm genuinely worried for her safety. My mum says that he's the most unpredictable person she's ever met.

Are you in any sort of position that you could go and stay with her for a few days or so.
That would then hopefully help your relationship and then of course she could see how you deal with his behaviour.
Starting with the classic mn phrase 'did you mean to be so rude or is that just how it came out' (sorry if I've paraphrased wrongly) to downright asking him to leave the house as he is not welcome or entitled to come into it.
Maybe act as a buffer between them re: child arrangements ie oo sis is asleep atm so bring them back or pick them up at .... and chase him up to deliver and don't let him in the house.

If not, could you get a nurse (don't know your financial situation) to go there every day perhaps an impartial onlooker would help.

The issue is that I live 150 miles away - and I have a family of my own, plus a full time job. It's virtually impossible for me to monitor the situation other than what my mum tells me. Otherwise I'd have sorted it by now.

My sister never used to take any shit. She's always been pretty forthright, but this is a sticking point - she's worried about offending him because he's so unpredictable mentally - and she needs him for childcare atm.

Even when she's better and stronger, she wants my dn to have a relationship with him, because she's a good person. But he is not.

Couldn't you and your mum get together and pay for an emergency childminder for a couple of weeks so she can rest without depending on exH? It really is an impossible situation for her if she needs childcare, can't afford it, and he's the only option. Sure, the kids should still get to see him if they want to, but she needs to ban him from her house as otherwise he will weasel his way into hurting her more- I know my ex (who wasn't even that abusive) used to use coming into my house as a way to intimidate and criticise, wearing me down to his nonsense- it's her space and she needs to feel safe there but she can't if she lets him in.

I agree
with other posters cut contact, your poor sis.