cutting contact with friend

[mrstiredandconfused]

I'm sorry this is long but I don't want to drip feed!

I have been friends with this lass since we were 14. For a long time we were very close but started drifting apart really from starting uni. She comes from a background that is quite different to mine- her parents allowed her absolutely no freedom (she wasn't even allowed to dry dishes as her mother insisted she wouldn't do it properly). Although she rebelled with her parents when it came to friends she was always very needy (think us going out with a mutual friend, late at night as you do, and we would both have to walk her home - half a mile out of the way - and make our own ways home separately).

We continued meeting every few months for years, it wasn't a close friendship but we kept in contact. She did a counselling course which was definitely the right thing for her to do career wise, but instead of the relationship continuing as a friendship it became more of a counsellor/ client relationship which I really disliked.

DH and I got married in 2009 and despite us not being as close I asked her to be one of my bridesmaids- I truly wanted one of my oldest friends for the job!

She did nothing (and I mean absolutely nothing at all) to help to organise anything, but she had never been to a wedding before, probably didn't know what needed to be done and I just enjoyed spending a bit more time seeing her.

But then the day after my hen night she called and spent 2 hours having a go at me for not arranging her a taxi (there were 50 people there, as the evening drew to a close everyone ordered their own taxis - as did I) and how I was such an awful person, hadn't arranged with the venue to accommodate her nut allergy (it was one of the first things we informed the venue of when booking and I had told her this several times) and a whole lot of very hurtful things. She continued to be my BM though, I thought i could get past it.

I have had a lot of time for reflection over the last few months and I can't get past her behaviour- I have tried but too much has happened (there is MUCH more, will gladly elaborate if asked but this is long already!).

I don't want to confront her as I don't have the strength atm (mh and physical issues) but she keeps sending text messages and I don't want to deal with it. Can anyone suggest a way of stopping contact without a confrontation? I don't want to just ignore the texts though because i think that is rather rude. Any suggestions?

Tia and if you managed to reach the end thank you and have a !

I really feel for you. Friendship stuff can be really tough. She does sound very draining though. Strange power games going on with the whole counselling thing combined with the guilt trips.

I think I would ignore the texts just for a few days, and when she asks why, just be honest with her about how you need to avoid her company for a while as you feel drained and crap. If she tries to get into a confrontational thing with you just keep really calm and say you're sorry but can't cope with this at the moment.

Easier said than done though.

well you can't have it both ways- you ARE ignoring her texts, and you want to stop the contact- without a confrontation. Hmm- almost impossible

What kind of things is she texting about? is she asking to meet ot just sending you news about stuff going on?

If you are ill, then why can't you use that as your reason? Call her and tell her that you don't have much energy for anything now, and you will catch up with her when you feel better and able to.

TBH if she really was as awful as you make out, by her hen night behavoiur, you'd have been justified in dropping her then like a hot potato.

Either she sees things differently to to you, and thinks she has behaved fine and wouldn't recognise this description, or she's become very insenstive , or you have allowed yourelf to be bullied by her in a way- for putting up with the insults.

I don't think you can avoid ending this- but not by simply ignoring her texts.

Thanks Thatlldo and Amelia - tbh I thought I'd get a roasting!

The trouble is she keeps asking how I am- i've been diagnosed with severe depression (think max dose ad's and an antipsychotic to boost ad's effects) - she knows this but I feel like she wants to practice her counselling skills on me.

When the hen incident occurred I was convinced I was in the wrong and cried and cried (self esteem issues) but when she told a mutual friend what she said she was "disgusted" with what I had been told. But I believed it and I think this is one of the reasons why i'm taking as many pills as I am!

I feel like i've got nothing left to give, and i don't have the resources for a confrontation. But I know you're right, it is impossible to avoid confrontation but I can't ignore her indefinitely n aarrrrghhhh!

And to think that the panacea for all ills according to this board is counselling! God help those who end up with your friend the 'counsellor'.

Putting off the task of putting her in her place is only going impede your recovery. Simply send her a text saying 'not up to texting or talking at the moment. will be in touch when I'm feeling better' and then gaily ignore any further communication from her forever until such time as you feel able to stand your ground in the face of her lack of empathy.

Izzy you have just stated what I have never dared to!

I think I'll send a "put off" text as you suggest and try to find the courage to be stronger in the next few weeks or not!

Thanks for not flaming me, I hate upsetting people and I don't want to be thought of as a cow

Why did you think you would be flamed? You haven't been a cow at all, you are obviously a sensitive and caring person but have had enough of a bad situation. Trust that instinct. You might hate upsetting people (including your friend) but what about your own state of mind and mental health?

cant you say you're traveling to india?

I've always worried that nothing is ever as bad as I think it is and that certain things are "normal" - e.g. driving 100 miles to have a pre arranged cuppa with a friend only to find she has gone out, not let me know and turned her phone off. Or DH and I sitting in a restaurant waiting for a friend and het DH only for them to call an hour after we had arrived to say that they are no longer coming. Or calling a friend to say my grandma had died and she spent the entire time talking about a uti. I suppose i'm a bit of a door mat and just feel awful about no5 putting up with behaviour like this.

I have a shower every day and am no stranger to deo so I don't think I smell but I continually put myself out for others and just get very little in return. It just so happens that this particular friend has hurt me a lot and I don't really want her in my life. But hopefully you'll see this isn't a decision i've taken lightly.

Unfortunately EandZ I can't say that - she has family in Goa and she'd want to go with me!

Given your 'friends' I suggest it's time to think 'when in Rome' and start doing as they do - which is to put yourself first.

The only courage you should be trying to find, honey, is the strength of mind to refuse this women or any of her ilk to blight your life in any way, shape, or form.

Cross her off your Christmas card list and resolve to have a dross-free New Year.

The way you are writing about it now suggests that you have woken up. You deserve to be treated respectfully the same as everyone else.

What does your DH think of it all?

sometimes friends just drift apart. Sad but it happens. I would have been unhappy if she had a go about no organising a taxi for your wedding tho. I agree with what izzy suggests. Hopefully you won't get into a confrontation if you bump into each other in sainsburys.

Thatlldo (I adore your name btw!) you're right, I have woken up. I am sick to death of being a "pleaser", bending over backwards to help just about anybody only to find i'm on my own when I really need help. But i just want this particular lass completely out of my life, I can't deal with the fact that she is a "taker" and sees fit to be vile to me. I'm angry.

DH thinks I shouldn't have it out with her, and tbh she has become good friends with his brother so it might be best not to rock the boat. But even the occasional text message and Christmas card contact makes me angry. God I sound like a psycho, I promise i'm not!

Lucy we have drifted apart quite dramatically - at 28 dh and i have been together 11 years and have our own home. Unlike me she went away to uni and spent 3 years without a care in the world! She had a great time! After uni she went back to live with her parents and is still there. Even our tastes in music are different - if it's not hip hop/ r&b she will get stroppy. We're in such different places. She drives but if we go out together I have to take her in my car, all very much a case of "you need to look after me".

I've seen her out and about a few times and it's all i can do not to bash her over the head with my handbag!

I've got to stop feeling angry about it all as deep down I don't want to hurt her feelings.

I'm so sorry i'm rambling, my head is pounding and I feel like everything has just spilled ont9 the screen - it's quite therapeutic!

OK, she's been horrible to you and it's understandable that you are angry but you need to let it go. Anger just eats you up, and confrontation is never the answer, you will end up feeling worse. A quick text to say you're not well and will be in touch some time, as others have suggested, is the best solution. Good luck, hope you are on the mend soon.

I've sent the text saying I'll be in touch when I'm better and I do want to let it go but I don't know how to. There are so many things i've let go in the past but it's just this one incident that I can't stop being angry about it. God I feel so stupid and immature

Personally I think its ok to be angry. They say anger is the backbone of healing. You have taken a load of shit with the best of intentions over the years and you have now had enough. The anger is your self esteem saying 'no more'. I'd listen to it, and be proud of it. Work it out with something physical, which will do you good, or some intense housework!
These feelings will pass.