Setting expectations of other people too high? (rambly)

[JumpJockey]

This isn't specifically a relationship issue (in fact nothing to do with how me and DH get on!) but I couldn't think where else to put it, sorry.

I've recently realised that I spend a heck of a lot of time being disappointed/feeling let down by other people, and generally dissatisfied with how things turn out. A few examples:

We moved house this year, and the people we bought from were just crap about everything to do with the legal process. We then discovered they'd done a lot of very bad DIY on the house and left it in pretty bad nick. I find myself being angry at them a lot of the time.

We just had the bathroom redone. Chap has had to come back 4 times now to fix things he'd not quite done properly first time, and I've since had to get someone else in to finish the jobs he left unfinished. Am disappointed that he could leave a job half done/ incorrectly done.

GPs came down from Scotland to S England for DD1's 3rd birthday party this weekend. Partyway through the weekend she and I and DH were laid low with vomiting bug. DD2 absolutely fine. Instead of offering to help out with DD2 (who they have only met once before as she's still tiny) they decided to leave the house at 9am and spend the rest of their trip in our city, but not actually interacting with their grandchildren. DD1 keeps saying "I'm sad about grandma and grandpa leaving".

Even silly things like we bought a second hand ikea bookshelf off a bloke on Gumtree, he said Oh no you don't need any screws to hold it together, it's fine with just the wooden dowels. Turns out said screws are essential for structural soundness, and he's now denying ever having had any. Yes, we can get hold of them, but why did he say that in the first place and why should we have to go to the extra faff?

Am I just expecting too much of people to not do this sort of thing? I find myself being a very glass-half-empty sort of person because my expectations are that people will live up to the kind of standards I try to meet (admittedly not succeeding all the time!) and when they don't seem to even try, I feel disappointed in humanity in general. Do I somehow target people who will be crap?! Or do I deliberately look for reasons to be disappointed in others, to make myself feel better?

I just want to be the kind of person who goes through life being happy-go-lucky and cheerful, rather than the kind who is always feeling that they've got a raw deal. I know I'm very lucky in many ways (lovely DH, great kids, love my job etc) so why do I keep being so bloody grumpy?

You sound like my DH . It is tough when other people don't match up to your own standards but I think it is important to count your blessings and try not to worry when things happen that are outside of your control - if it something you can do then obviously it is important to care and to do your best but you really can't influence other people's behaviour and when I learned that lesson for myself I was a lot more content with my lot in life.

Happy Christmas .

Ragwort - thanks for the thoughts! I see what you're saying. But what do you do with eg bathroom situation, where we asked for something quite reasonable (paying a bloke 2k to give us a functioning bathroom) and 4 weeks later it's still not done and he's saying he can't fix til new year? Do you just sit back and say "Hey at least the roof is still on over our heads"?

I guess it's just frustrating that people can be so crap, and get away with it!

OP have you paid the guy? If so, a) threaten court to get the money back unless he comes to fix it or b) tell him since he won't come and fix it NOW, you're getting someone else and not paying him for what he's done.

One thing I've found about these things in general is that 'nicey nicey' doesn't work... in fact the more you don't stand up to people like this, the more they treat you like crap. Re the guy with the shelves, I find that being v direct works better, e.g. 'Are you 100% sure we don't need screws? I have no problem going out and getting them if we do, and it'll be far more hassle for me to get them later so if you think we do, please let me know now.'

Yes it is hard but personally I won't tolerate bad workers around the house at all and regularly give people a piece of my mind/resort to letter-writing yes I'm a cow.

Re the grandparents, I find that having no expectations at all of relatives works best for me. In things like this, people suit themselves and unless you want to go down the route of giving them a piece of your mind and potentially falling out, you're best go with the flow.

Perhaps the GPs didn't want to come down with the vomiting thing too, so decided to give you all a wide berth.......?

Sometimes life is crap, people are crap. But to quote Nell Dunn "life's not much without a chuckle."

You can't always control how people behave or situations work out, but you can control how you react. Deal with what you can deal with and ignore the rest. And if you need to, treat yourself to a little scream then forget about it.

Yes JumpJockey situations like your bathroom are horrible and we have had similar domestic problems which took up loads of expense and time and were never really resolved probably - I just try and stay calm and think of people in worse situations. But I do understand that having a non-functioning bathroom must be very, very difficult.

This may not help you but when I look at my DH who rants and raves if the slightest thing goes wrong I just think to myself 'what a *** he is' .

I am wondering if you have these continuing feelings of frustration/being let down because you find it hard to assert yourself? This makes you dependent on other people upholding their end of the deal, which is a v anxious position for you to be in. If they let you down, you feel you have no recourse but to accept it, but inside you feel very annoyed.

Forgive me if I'm way off beam, but it could be that these things bother you so much because you feel powerless to change/avoid them. For example, the bathroom, - you feel powerless to express to the builder that his behaviour isn't acceptable, and so feel that you have no option but to sit and stew about his slackness. If you did as HellToTheNo suggests, you would feel much more in control, and hence less frustrated and let down.

The shelving, - the seller lied to you to get the shelves off his hands. Now he just wants you to go away. That is frustrating, but I wonder at your plaintive 'why did he say that in the first place?' - this seems to me an indication of a wider feeling in your life that things are 'not fair' and that other people are taking advantage of you.

(cont)

The GPs situation, - it seems that you havent spoken to them about why they left that morning. They may well have thought 'oh, with all that d&v, the last thing JumpJockey wants is the bother of guests. We'll entertain ourselves' and not realised that you wanted them to stay and look after your child.

Although DD1 keeps saying "I'm sad about grandma and grandpa leaving". - be careful about using your children to express you emotions. YOU are sad about them leaving, - that is perfectly OK.

Do you have a r/ship with them where you can calmly say 'I was sad you left on sunday. I was hoping you'd get a chance to spend time with DD'? Or is it another occasion where you have said nothing and just felt frustrated?

I have caused myself so much stress from expecting too much of people. So now I have very low expectations of DH (in particular) and it is actually causing him stress that I expect so little of him. But if he'd lived up to my (high) expectations then we wouldn't be in this situation. It is a no-win situation. I just hope I don't get it so horribly wrong with my DCs.

it is actually causing him stress that I expect so little of him. But if he'd lived up to my (high) expectations then we wouldn't be in this situation

Ouch. That sounds like a horribly punishing situation for him, - it seems (and forgive me if I sound blunt) that you had unrealistically high expectations, and are now punishing him for being unable to live up to them. You admit that he is unhappy but then go on to say it is all his fault.

It is a no-win situation.

Umm, no it's totally solvable, - either stop playing the passive-aggressive martyr: 'oh, no one tries hard enough, so I just won't trust anyone ever and will continue to push them away as a punishment for not really really trying to please me', - or realise that whatever your partner has done, you find yourself unable to move past and therefore the r/ship is over.

I agree with everything you type Tigermoll, but how to change the habits of a lifetime when I married late and had kids v quickly thereafter? 5 years and my life is unrecognisable.

Sorry OP, will take my crappy issues elsewhere ;)

Change is always hard, - do you actually want to do it?

For the childrens' sake, yes. And probably for my sanity too. And I know if I don't make some changes that my marriage will peter out. DH, whilst far from a saint, is a good man who probably deserves someone more tolerant/soft/understanding. All good things to work on but hard on top of a FT job and all the childcare the minute I am in the house.

Tigermoll - erm, no it was definitely dd who said she was sad about gps leaving. I had to make up a story for her about why they went early, rather than say they didn't want to stay around because people were poorly. They did actually say in the night 'oh if you're feeling ill you won't want us around getting under your feet' to dh and he didn't know what to say as he was busy chucking. They're the ILs and didn't say anything to me about actually leaving for real, i came down from my shower to find them all packed up by the door. We don't have an especially close relationship, mil doesn't think I'm good enough for her son ironically, by about 10am everyone was absolutely fine and so we had a lovely day. I'd assumed they were getting the train back but only that evening found out they'd decided to stay around and get a hotel room instead.

I'm generwlly a very assertive person to the nth degree (eg when our home insurance failed to live up to expected levels, emailed chief exec to get situation resolved) but don't see why I should have to be - why can't people just do what they should?

Builder - he already worked 3 days over his schedule to get the job mostly finished and is now working on other jobs as we discover the problems, we paid him at the end of the job as we assumed it would be fine. I am at the end of my maternity leave (tomorrow!) so it is easier to find somebody else to do it than wait for him to come back and have to take time off work, and I'm reaching the stage of thinking do I really want him to be 'solving' the problems if he got things wrong in the first place?

Oh and the shelves, it was Dh who picked them up so not sure of the exact details! Just going with what he reported back.

But otherwise yes your point is right that I do feel reliant on other people doing what they say they will. I always do what I say I will, and just feel annoyed that other people don't. I need to find a way to let go of that but whe. It's other people's crapness that directly affects you, and they don't seem to care, is it worth expending the energy on trying to get a resolution, or just accept it and try to move on?

Only wanted to add my thoughts on the GP issue. Perhaps they were worried about catching the bug themselves especially if they would have to travel with it if they caught it .
Think we can all feel let down by people but you sound like you have been unlucky lately.