I dont think i've got it in me to support my friend anymore

[JeremyVile]

My friend is in an abusive marriage. Theyve been married 4 or so years and I thimk the abuse has been consistent through the relationship, sometimes things improve but its only ever temporary.

Its not so much physical abuse, though this does happen too. Usually throwing things at him, I've seen her grab him by the hair, push him...things like that - he did contact the police once over the physical stuff but I am not sure whether the police didnt take it seriously or he downplayed it. Knowing him, probably the latter.

I suppose its bog standard abuse really, she shouts, calls him names, belittles him, controls him financially, manipulative, irrationally jealous etc. All the sort of stuff you read on here from women. He is so different now - ive known him since we were young - and he is almost unrecognisable as the person he used to be. He's very quiet and withdrawn.

I feel pretty awful (and deserve to) but I just dont think i can continue to support him. I get what everyone always says, that it seems impossible to leave, to find the confidence etc but ffs - he is making a choice here, however hard it is, he is choosing to put up with this. W have had countless discussions about it, he knows its wrong, he knows he should leave but hangs on for the times when things are going well.

I just dont understand. Its not that i generally lack empathy, but maybe in this instance i do? I am finding it increasingly hard to be sympathetic, or listen to him talking it all through.

I dont think there is anyone else he fully opens up to about this (except his sister who has been beyond crap with her advice - play her at her own game etc, no mention of just fucking LEAVING!) So if I stop supporting him then who will tell him he doesnt hae toput up with this, its wrong, he has options? I honestly dont think there'll be anyone.

I dont know what to do but I feel angry with him, in fact im almost as angry with him as i am with her, so dont see how i can continue to be of any help to him. Dont know what im asking really...

Hi Jeremy. Your frustration is totally normal (I would even say that it is due to you having lots of empathy for such a long time, rather than lack of it!)

Your friend is making his own choices, as you know. You want to help, but there is nothing you can do: only he can help himself. Of course that can make you frustrated and angry.

You are completely entitled to tell him that you love him and feel for him, but you refuse to listen to him speak about his marriage unless he's prepared to end it, for your own sanity. We are all entitled to state what makes us uncomfortable, what we cannot tolerate anymore, and it seems that for you, for now, your limits have been reached.

Make sure he knows you still value him as a friend, though. And that you will support him in leaving, should he choose to, if that is how you feel.

tell him to get in contact with www.mensadviceline.org.uk/mens_advice.php and talk it over.
once he starts tellign someone else he will be on the right road...

Itsme - thank you, I didnt expect to get any kind words and had a little lump in my throat reading your post.

Cestlavie - I ahve emailed him that link - really helpful thank you.

Thankfully they have no children together (yet!) but he does have a child from a previous relationship who stays regualrly. He says that she is unaware of any problems in the home when she stays but I thik thats bollocks franky.

Wow, you've been incredibly patient.
I second what Itsme said. That sounds like the only way to save your friendship.

Totally don't blame you. You are a good friend.
Its sad but he's probably getting the tiny bit of love and care he needs to exist from you right now. If you pull back then he might feel the full force of how loveless and uncaring his life is and then do something about it. I hope that makes sense. Just make sure you pull back in a sensitive way that he understands your intentions - I'm sure you will.

In a much less serious way (I HOPE) I have a friend that is always saying that her husband says horrible things to her and tell us these quite awful things about what he says about her figure and her housework. I never know what to say apart from 'John is a knob', 'tell him to P*ss off' or something - I don't know what it is she wants to hear. Unfortunately you can't make someone stand up for themselves.

Art, tell your friend this is abuse - direct her to the Womens Aid website.

I've been in this position OP - my sister going on and on and ON about her abusive husband. They wear you down to the bone. I have been a victim of very serious domestic abuse so it's not like I'm heartless - I know how hard it is to do something about it. Does your friend listen to what you've got to say? Or does he go on and on and on and on and not really listen to what you're saying - is your entire friendship taken up with talking about this? Ultimatum time: either he does something about it or you're out. You could be enabling him without realising it.

I'm concerned about the child - does the mother know the child is being subjected to this? God forbid that these two have a child of their own

Ah bless you OP. Totally understandable I think.
Just make sure you keep him aware of where you are, if he does decide to remove himself from his awful situation. Then you can help him put himself back together. xx

OP you sound like a wonderful friend.

I totally agree with ItsMeAndMyPuppy.

Time to hand over some tools and step back a bit.

the tools being metaphorical of course

Personally I would confront the partner and let them know their behaviour is abusive. You have witnessed it.
Tell them that if you hear one more instance of it you will advise your friend to report it and that you will fully support their leaving.
If there are any children then let her know you will report her if she doesn't seek help over her behaviour.
Your friend needs an intervention. They may not thank you initially but sometimes you just have to do the right thing.

You're losing respect for him. It is making you angry at him which is displaced.

His wife is terrible but it is her lack of respect and anger at him (and presumably issues of her own) which allows her to treat him this way.

I have huge sympathies for you. It is very very hard to watch a friend going through something terrible when they could walk away and start to heal and only they can make that decision. But you abondoning him will only strenghten his feelings of lack of self worth.

I would not blame you if you could not but I hope you find the strength to continue being a friend to him.

OP, unfortunately it has to be a realsation that he comes to himself. I can say that with me it took a major life event (a bereavement) to get me to see my future and leave. I would recommend giving him the details of the Mankind Initiative. IME they are much better at support and general advice than the Men's Advice Line. I would also recommend he talks to the DV support worker at his local authority (the details will be on their Website). The one I see is brilliant, and sadly they've come across situations like the one you describe all too often.

I wouldn't recommend confronting his partner as it may well make things worse for him. It's also likely that he probably has very little (or no) self esteem or feelings of self worth. Your anger is understandable but do try not to let it show. Bear in mind that you can also call Mankind for support and advice as his friend.

Your frustration is all too understandable, in fact I would probably feel it myself in your position, and you've almost certainly done as much as you can. You clearly care a great deal.

Hopefully he will end the relationship at some point (unfortunately, there's probably no other way forward) and it's then that he'll really need a caring friend. Dealing with the fall out can be worse in some ways, and lonliness you can feel after the break up can be awful. It's probably then, if you feel able to, that you'll be able to make a real difference.

I wish I'd had a friend like you at the time. Good luck to you and him :).

Springy I do think that also. Thing is, you say to her that you think thats really not on and ask her if she's okay and then she does a big u-turn and starts saying its a joke or that he's very nice really. Which also leads me to believe she's suffering otherwise she wouldn't try and make out everything is fine. I think she wants us all to say "Men huh! My DH is just the same blah, blah..." but we can't. Thats why I have settled on just saying "tell him to p*ss off" which isn't very caring sounding but honestly, if I suggested WA she'd get in a right huff.

Sorry Jeremy for cutting in on your thread. You must be so worn out, I feel tense just thinking about DF's stupid DH.