Are great parents and a great couple or just great parents?

[AllQuietOnThePippisFront]

My DH have grown apart. Fact.
We hardly spend any time together alone. Fact.

The chicken and the egg.

DH does not feel spending time together because we do not have enough sex. He feels rejected.
I do not feel having sex very much because we do not spend time alone together. I feel rejected.

The chicken and the egg again.

Have you been in a similar situation? How do you get out of this vicious circle?
And I know that we are all different and what is a lot for one is little for another but how often do you and your partner spend time together, proper time I mean? And if one hangs on does it get better when children get older? (this sounds idiotic to me as children are 3 and 6 but...) Are there phases in a marriage when you are really so fed up that moving to a bedsit with the children seems a better option than stay in a stifling marriage? Does a marriage return to form after such phases or it is a case of carrying on this way 'for the sake of the children'?

I am aware I am asking a lot, and that what I am asking I am really asking it to myself and that I will not know till I live it.

I value your opinion and experience and everything could contain a pearl of wisdom.

TIA

there is a YOU missing in the title

Well it's obviously different for everyone so its your own feelings that count isnt it? But for my twopenceworth I'll tell you how I see it...

The daily grind needs to be done but I think don't make it harder than it needs to be i.e. don't iron underwear/ pjs/ hankies/ bedding - I'm not a slattern its all clean just a bit creased but in the grand scheme of things you have to prioritise, make time to be together everyday other stuff can wait. Our dc's are 12 and 6 btw.
We spend 9-10.30pm ish together on our own when dd's are in bed, that time is sacred to us and partly the reason why we won't make dd1's bedtime any later.

Sometimes dd's stay out somewhere (usually gp's) though dd1 is getting older now and sometimes would rather stay at home but we say sometimes it's not possible because as much as I love my dd's I also love my dh (been together 10yrs) and we enjoy time on our own sometimes just as she enjoys time with friends on her own

If I were you I'd start by planning a date per month to go and do something fun, think back to the days you first met, what did you spend your time doing, what do you both enjoy doing now?

Here's a few ideas of things we do/ have done together.......
bowling
cinema
walk in the woods and pub lunch
the odd weekend away
go for a meal
disc golf
swimming

Then there are the little things you could do for each other like:
make each others sandwiches for work and put a special treat in
bring one another a cuppa
run a bubble bath and put a warm towel, music, candles and a nice drink in there
send him a lovely text
put a note on his pillow

I hope this helps

xroads thanks. bring tears to my eyes because I have done all this. here is all I have proposed and attempted, truly:

date night in once a week - no tv
cinema once a month -
tennis, running, swimming
pub or meal once a week or fortnight
watching a series together
organising weekends away
101 nights of sex challenge (don't laugh it was following an article on a respectable paper!)
aft out together at the weekend (kids can stay at friend)

now some of those have never been taken on, some have been attempted for a couple of times and then dropped because he was showing no sign of interest at all.
in the evening, after the children are in bed he is in front of the tv watching nothing that remotely interests me and if before I'd sit there anyway so that we were together there are so many police chase programs one can stomach. I understand that one may want to chill out and zonk out after a long day work but surely be with your wife is one of those ways too, is it not?

we have the problem of not havinggp near but with the children older now and lots of friends around it would be easy for us to do all the above. Since the birth of DD1 he seems to have relinquished the couple and place all the love etc onto his girls and the family. He has all the time and attention for THE FAMILY, none left for US.

We are at a point that I have stopped asking and proposing because I feel I am begging...

in terms of cleaning etc: that is not a problem. people and relationships of any kind always come before such chores...

Police chase programmes - I hear ya! I hate them! In my dh's defence he does say if I go and sit with him he will put what I want on but sometimes I want to be on the computer, I have a short attention span so to flit in an out of things

I think it sounds like you have tried your best, it's up to your dh now to put some effort in Have you spoken to him and asked why he is unwilling to show more interest in time spent on his own with you? Maybe some time on his own would make him realise what he could be throwing away if he doesn't take you seriously?

Bottom line is you need to have fun together before you can take it further imo. I am fairly highly sexed I would say but I still need to have time spent chatting, a bit of banter the odd kiss and hug and then foreplay before I'm in the mood and dh doing some housework/ looking after dc's does help me have more energy for later.

All Quiet, you might have to face up to the fact that you can't sustain a relationship on your own. Unless your DH makes equal effort with you to become closer again there is no way it can work. It will just destroy your self-esteem and confidence over time.

I think you have to have the Chat and make your DH understand how seriously things are sliding. If he still won't match your efforts, then at least you know you have done all you can to improve things and can move on with a clear conscience.

I'm sorry to say it sounds like my ex when I was trying to save our marriage but he had already given up. However with hindsight I think we both needed to love ourselves a bit more first. Rather than pushing him to do things together, or splitting, can you do something that makes you feel good, and encourage him to do the same? It's hard if you feel completely unconnected but I've learnt the hard way that you can't make another person do anything - you can just change your own behaviour and see what happens. Also have you thought about relate?

I don't known wether I am highly sexed up, what I know is that it is hard for me to be in the mood for sex with someone I hardly spoke, laughed, joked, etc. And frankly police chases is hardly a turn on! He would say that he does not make the effort because he feels rejected, that I do not fancy him. I do but like you xroads say I need a bit of all that before I can switch off from mum to sex-goddess.

I do not want us to be together every minute of the day or evening etc. God forbid! I have my own things to do but we got to the point were we are flatmates, flatmates that have got little in common too.

mixedupkitty, you are right in that we have to be happy on our own first. I have been unhappy and done so much to get out of it. And we have tried therapy yes (forgot to put in my list). I suggested and he did come...twice. I kept going and still am. I have also gone back to uni, to the gym, started a small business... I am trying to live a happy and fulfilled life for my sake and that of my DDs: there's nothing better for them than happy parents.
But I suspect he is not happy with his side of life, he feels hard done by and so he blames me for everything that it is not right: I am not a good wife etc.

what he does better than me is to put head in the sand forget we are having problems and therefore be nice to me even the day after we thought about trying a temp separation. If I am more distant it is simply because we are in this no-mans land -I guess it may come off as stand-offish. But 'nice' for him mean a kiss and a smile when he gets home from work and pretty much it. The desire to be with me to have fun is gone, long gone too but with the children small I had little time to demand it or get round to organising it. Now that we could and we don't I feel abandoned and alone. What's the point of having a soulmate if you do not share anything together?

pickgo you are right my confidence and self esteem had gone right out of the window. I was low and lost in feb that I had to seek help. I am much better now and that's why I am ready to take it on. I am not going backwards. He knows we are in trouble, he agrees the fun has gone, he wants to be together he says. What I truly feel is that he does not want the family to split (hurt the children, put the children and himself through that), I do not believe it is ME he does not want to split up. I feel he will go if it was just the two of us. And that is not a good position to be for a wife, partner, friend etc.

sometimes, I too feel I'd be better off without him. But that's because I have always believed that you stay if you are loved. if you are not you are better off alone, loved by yourself. I do not feel loved. I feel taken care of (financially - which is something I never ever wanted).

But maybe that is what he'd say about me.

Can you explain that you need some attention and love in order to give him what he wants?

I really think that if you tell him that (perhaps you already have?) and he still won't make any effort or sustain the effort then he is telling you, whether he is willing to face up to it and admit it clearly or not, that the relationship is over for him.

I'm sorry to be a blunt, but I stayed for quite a few years in a similar situation and it was truly soul-destroying. The worse part was I took it all on my shoulders and blamed myself which is a short road to feeling really low and miserable. I think you have to ignore words and focus on actions - what is he actually doing to sort this out? Anything? If not, that tells you all you need to know imo.

pickgo I told him to bore myself to death. I mean all I am saying is "I want us to have fun together"! Surely that is flattering? I am not saying "I want you to work more/earn more/clean more etc" I have said that before when children were smaller and always with me (not the earning bit, the helping bit) but now that they are at school there's more space for both of us to relax. And rather than seeing this as a bonus he is so resentful of my 2 hours alone in the morning (after 7 years!) that he canot let it be. He sees it as me never having done much (feet up all day) while he worked hard.

TBH I can see that often he does not enter his head anymore that I can be a fun friend to do things. I am a mother and a (house)wife. Nothing else. We can have fun yes but as a family, all together. I am sick of it. I have married him becaue we were great together, we did lots of things and we had a laugh. In my head this marriage was going to be us being a strong couple full of interests and desire to be together, to do things together. If I think of all the things we could be doing instead of frittering away days months and years I want to weep. I think, I have ONE life and this is not how I want to spend it.

I think I have to look at the beast in nthe face. A trial separation is what we both agreed may make us see some sense, one way or the other.

Plus, like I read on another thread, he refuses discussion so I cannot see a way out. what a shame.

pickgo may I ask. what happened in the end to your relationship. You stayed like this for a few years and then?

Your comment about having ONE life really rings bells for me. That was exactly how I felt. I also felt the waste of what could have been (and started as) a really good relationship. But I kept meeting a brick wall.

I planned to leave a few times and he begged me not to, so I took that as a real intent to do things differently from him.... but nothing changed and in fact it became pretty emotionally abusive towards the end.

I left 2 years ago. I had worried that I would miss him and my feelings for him would make me miserable, but actually within a couple of weeks I felt so very much better, without his disdain and criticism constantly chipping away at my confidence and self-esteem. In a nutshell I was just so much happier, and my DC too.

I now wish I'd just not let it go on so long and undermine so much of my Dc's childhood. I can't even say I've felt lonely really, friends and family have been lovely. Money's a bit tight but we manage.

My advice, do the trial separation. (Make sure you've got finances sorted tho - take advice from CAB/sol).