where to go from here??

[onlyoneboot]

can't remember why I first came on MN but reading some of the threads and the advice given has given me so much to think about and I'm in need of your thoughts. Quick history - been with DP 13 years, 3 DC - 11, 8 and 6. We've had lots of ups and downs, split up for 7 months when youngest was 2 which is another story (he didn't want 3rd child, blamed me for getting pregnant...) but we went to counselling together and separately and decided to get back together and try to make it work. This last year I've kind of flatlined and I wonder if all the things I put up with in the past (name calling, temper, threats) when I was at the coalface of toddler years have come to the surface. I've felt so detached from DP. I even started to feel attracted to someone else who I don't see often. There have always been problems regarding sex and affection. Basically he's always wanted more than I've been able to give him. I love sex but in times when we've not been getting on I haven't felt close enough to him and in the last year I haven't wanted him anywhere near me. I know things can't go on like this. Going to counselling with him was the most frustrating experience, he just went on and on about how much he hates his job. I think the main problem is I can't talk to him in the way I talk to friends and family. He cuts in on my sentences, doesn't really respond in an interesting way or look for solutions to all the things he's unhappy about. My friends must be so bored of my constant relationship crises - I'm too old for this. Actually, I'm not old, we got together when I was 25 and first baby came along a year later - was I just too young, too naive. Anyway, after big fallouts a few weeks ago, threats to leave etc things had settled and I asked him to just give me space, go slowly and see how we get on but last night he threw a big huff about how he needs a woman who gives him the attention he deserves and left this morning without saying goodbye. I have an interview for a job I really want next week and just want to move forward in a more settled grown up way. Sounds crap, doesn't it?

it does sound pretty unsatisfactory, that is for sure

tbh, I wouldn't have got back together with someone who had treated me with such disrepect, so I can see that now the fog of toddler-wrangling has lifted you are thinking "is this all there is ?" and finding it wanting

he sounds boring, whiny and self-entitled...I am not surprised you don't want to shag him

those are not attractive characteristics in a life partner, and you need to think very carefully about whether you want to be in the same position in 1, 5, 10 years time

I wouldn't

this ther "interest" you have sounds like a red herring, I wouldn't worry too much about that (unless there is more you are not disclosing)

it does, of course, go without saying that you shouldn't leap into another relationship and complicate your life any further

other interest ie. other man

that's the thing AnyFucker, we probably shouldn't have got back together and I possibly wasn't brave enough at the time to go it alone.

I keep waiting for a gut feeling but it's never clear, maybe it never is with kids involved.

Yes, the 'interest' is nothing to worry about but god it was good to know there's nothing wrong with my capacity to fancy!

yes, there is nothing wrong with you my love, nor your ability to fancy

and there is nothing wrong with your fanciability either

I think that "gut feeling" is more elusive when there are dc involved

remember this though...you do your dc no favours to stay in a relatinship where you are disrespected

how your mother is treated by your father has a profound effect on a childs ability to form good relationships of their own < bitter experience >

appreciate your replies AF

yup, experience here too which is in some ways I've wanted to make things work so badly. my parents split when I was 14 and my dad never recovered. Suppose I thought DP's more 'vocal' approach was healthier than my parents silences but he is a product of the other end of the scale, growing up with a violent father and a mother who didn't leave.

it is affecting the kids - not good.

I have a different experience

my parents stayed together...they still are

they shouldn't have

he still treats her like a second class citizen (they have been together for 40+ years)

I'd say you need to find the courage to put it on the line. If his behaviour doesn't change with you making it perfectly clear you're unhappy ( and why ) then you have your answer....