At what age do you stop being accounable for your actions?

[fuzzynavel]

Brief outline

Mother had two boys in Ireland quite young. Left them with my grandmother and came to London. One of the brothers has just got in touch again (we lost touch about 15 years ago after he had traced us but all didnt go well as mother was in the middle of her alcoholic phase)

Just had a telecon with little sis (have an older one but my mother left me and older one during her phase and only took our little one with her)

Now, sister immediately said, I'm not telling mum about Alister getting in touch yet, I'm going to sound him out to see if he basically wants to say anything but nice things to her.

I said, ok but you aren't god and it's up to her to say if she wants to see him and it's up to Alister to decide what he wants to say to her.

My sister said that mum is now old (80) and she doesn't want her upset. I said thats ok but mum still has to be held accountable for her actions to a certain extent.

What do you think?

(blimey, am I having a week, you couldn't make it up could you, dump abusive ex and this starts, it never rains but it pours)

Your words are confusingso I don't understand what you mean - "holding your mum accountable for her actions" doesn't seem what this scenario is about?

Is it about the rights and wrongs of "protecting" your mother from information?

I don't think it's an age thing, it's a mental capacity thing. Some people have all their marbles at 80, others don't.

Btw if that's your brother's real name, best pull the thread and start again IMO.

My mother basically abandoned two children. One of them has now been in touch again probably wanting some answers.

Using name is not a problem.

Mother has all her marbles.

I think leave it to your sister to sort out as your brother hasn't approached you

He approached me, not her on facebook but as I dont use it often when i tried to reply it wouldnt allow me to (due to their settings being if a person doesnt reply within two days you cannot get in touch) so told sis and she traced the woman that my brother used to message me through.

I think firstly that when it comes down to it, it's up to your brother and your mother to decide between them whether they will meet.

I do understand how your sister feels, wanting to protect your mum from what could be some very difficult conversations and feelings.

But it's something they have to work out between them, - I don't think it's necessarily about being accountable, but it may well be important for your brother to say certain things and make sense of what has happened, and it may be important for your mum to hear them and answer them, and gain his forgiveness if that is appropriate.

It sound like a very emotionally charged and difficult situation, - I wish you all the best of luck.

Yes, Kurri that's what I feel should happen.

I don't think my sister should decide.

I think the problem is that you sister has no idea what your brother went through, but you do have an idea as she left you too. It probably hasnt occured to your sister that your brother has a right to know why she did what she did , or whatever else he wants to know.

I think you need to tell your mother if you are in touch with her, and not let your sister decide on her behalf.

I do have a reasonable relationship with my mother. Sister is very close to her though.

Accountable, accountable, accountable (hey ho, only 97 to go)

yanbu... probably.
Coz it partly depends on what good it will do for your mum to have to face up to the past, or to A. in being able to meet up with her.
Especially if it means upsetting a fragile old lady. I can understand your Lil sis being protective of her.

I don't think it's your sister's place to decide.

Your mum might want to be in touch with her son. She might have issues that have been weighing her down for a long time and that this might help to resolve.

Your brother has the right to contact his mother as well.

I think your sister should be careful not to assume that she's doing the best for her mother, and in particular not to assume that your mother would be grateful for her interference if she knew about it.

I agree with previous posters. Age is not the issue.

Yes i also understand where sis is coming from but due mothers actions my brother has almost undoubtedly suffered and needs answers.

Generally speaking, unless there is dementia or similar then i think you are accountable until you die.
I think if your mother is that old then it is especially important for those who were dumped to try to get answers..build/burn bridges etc now...your mother may even get peace for reconciling her actions in her own mind...i dont imagine many mothers could dump their children and not wonder about how they have turned out.

due to...

Thank you stuffthenonsense. You have put into words things I couldn't.

This may sound harsh but I'm more concerned for my brother than my mothers peace.

I think you should let your mum know. It is up to her and him the contact that they have and whatever is said between them.

depends on what good it will do for your mum to have to face up to the past

I struggle with this as most of me is saying that she should face up to the past. She should help the child she gave birth to.