first time advice

[Stephenbeecham12]

Just joined for some advice. We have been married about 15 years and our child is 18 months old. We have had ups and downs since before the child was born. My wife had pnd and 2 months after the birth started taking fluoxetine. Her behaviour seems normal to the outside world but where I am concerned it just became more and more bizarre. After one particularly crazy reaction, she told me she was leaving and taking our daughter back to Hungary where she is from. I did not dispute this as I really didn?t know what was going on. I then realised that the drugs could have been causing the unreasonableness and hostility, checked out the side effects and that may well be the case.

For example after the below, she said she was leaving:
She said for many years as a young teenager when she got cold she got cystitis. I said I can imagine that going from very warm to very cold that might be the case but I imagined that most people didn?t go from such extremes so they wouldn?t be affected very much. She got really angry at this accussing me of needing to be right all the time. I pointed out that it was a very middle of the road, rational point. Again she got very angry saying it was only rational in my mind.

I have two questions does anyone know someone or experienced themselves these sorts of reaction to this drug (fluoxetine) or Prozac? (ie hostility, unreasonableness, over reaction etc but only really focussed in a domestic setting?)
Secondly as I thought she was just going to visit her family for a couple of weeks and now says she is not coming back, has she taken the baby (UK passport) out of the UK illegally and what can I do about it?
Thanks for your help and advice as I am naturally very upset about all this.

As she is the childs mother, she has not i'm afraid taken them out of the uk illegally, i dont think. To stop her from doing that you would have had to had an injunction in place. She is obviously struggling and it could well be the drugs. It may well pay for you to talk to the health visitor, as they are able to talk to you about the child's welfare as you are the father, however they are not allowed to disclose information about her health, although they will be able to give general answers about the medication she is on. If you feel that she may be a risk to the child, then maybe you should speak to the police.

Best of luck and i hope it all gets better soon. It might also be a good idea to put her family in the picture too.

Yes thanks for that. I thought if I was a UK passport holder as is the child and yet she is not, I thought I had to give permission for her to be taken abroad? That's what I was seeking clarification on I think.
It was myself who approached our doctor to ask for help with the pnd as I knew she wouldn't want to "talk to a counsellor" and I had run out of options to help her myself, so drugs appeared to be the only avenue left. But that was 15 months ago.
Luckily she is staying with her family, so they will keep an eye on things. It still feels like my child was stolen from me though.

Have you spoken to her since she left?

I don't think people should even consider talking about this womans MH. Making judgements on her and how she must be struggling/

Call me cynical but she is fine to the outside world, it's only at home she has these meltdowns because the husband says so. Possible indeed....but also possibly connected.

The helpful husband encourages her to get, help, goes himself, goes and gets the drugs.

Caring husband or the cause? She obviously felt such a need to get away. Baring in mind what you read daily on relationships. In this situation, I'd avoid discussing this woman's health and if he wants legalities he should go to legal.

Could be a caring husband, could also be proactive in the "pnd" getting a diagnosis and medication with encouragement of the "helpful" husband.

The fact is this only happens in a domestic setting, by ops admission, and that she so desperately needed to get away from? Says we may not be getting it all here. Sorry op.

You've got one side of the story here,as ever. But I'd refrain from adding ammunition.

I did struggle with PND and i seemed fine to the outside world. For ages i coped, the health visitor thought everything was rosy, but after the weekend i had a complete melt down and ended up in a repite centre for three days, because everything was too much, on various drugs. Its possible he hasnt helped her, no one is in the wrong here. Sometimes a relationship doesnt work and one person has to get out of it. It just seems harsh to leave the counrty with your children and not come back because you then stand no chance of getting any access or custody.

I sent her an email after she had left and she said she wasn?t coming back. When she said she was leaving, I just accepted it and helped her as I was confused by her actions and speech and didn't want to rock the boat in anyway.

Bubblechristmas that is very upsetting and conjectural. When a lot younger I went through mental health issues and thankfully came out of it a lot stronger and with a lot of knowledge and first hand experience.
My wife was raped when a teenager and has never got over it, which may have a bearing on her pnd and previous episodes of depression. Also both her brother and mother were hospitalised for mental health problems
When she wakes you in the middle of the night and asks you who you are and bangs her head, tells herself to shut up and laughs then tells a funny story and bursts into tears, there is something seriously wrong. Also she is very intelligent and we knew that when our paths of discussion were reaching the limits of efficacy in dealing with the issue, no further amount of "talking" would help, especially not by a very private person to a stranger.
We are both anti-prescription drugs quite strongly.
I didn't "go and get the drugs"
People aren't judging "this woman's" mental health are they?
?this woman? ? is that how you usually refer to people? Maybe I?m being a bit sensitive here but ?this woman? is deeply loved by many as is our child and I am very worried and upset.

It is very unhelpful to try and push whatever your agenda is.
Here is someone who appears to be quite ill, has taken a child abroad away from its other parent who is worried about both their wellbeings and who is asking advice on the two matters he doesn't know anything about ie fluoxetine and its effects and whether he will ever see his daughter again, and all you can say subtextually and in black and white is, "He's a bloke it is obviously all his fault"

Yes that's right Ellen. It isquite "normal" to put on a "normal" face on for the world even when you are a maelstrom inside - for whatever reason. We are both like that as we are private people.

In the first instance, IMO you should take a long hard look at yourself.

Recurrent cystitis is not uncommon in young women and, as the cause has nothing to do with extremes of temperature, your point of view was/is neither rational nor middle of the road.

Nevertheless, instead of admitting that you could be wrong it seems you maintained your stance which, not unnaturally, caused your dw to become exasperated because she was relating her personal experience of the condition yet you saw fit to contradict her.

Are you one of those people who always offers a 'rational' opinion on subjects you know nothing about? Do you pride yourself on your 'rational' mind - your 'rational' approach to life? Do you, as your dw observed, always need to be right?

As for seizing on the possible side effects of fluoxetine to explain the alleged 'unreasonableness and hostility' displayed by your dw, given that her behaviour goes without comment by anyone else, it would seem probable that any side effects she's suffering from may be caused by living with a paragon of righteousness who is never wrong.

That said, in taking your dd out of the country with your consent, your dw has not acted illegally.

However, if it is her intention to deny you contact with your British born, British passport holder dd, you can apply to the Courts for her return. Any Order granted in a UK Court can be enforced in Hungary but this may not be the case if your dd has dual nationality by virtue of her dm's country of birth.

The services of lawyers in any family/divorce disputes do not come cheap and I would therefore suggest that you endeavour to find some common ground with your dw and resolve this matter amicably.

FWIW, Ellen's advice can only serve to make your current situation infinitely worse as I can't think of a more effective way to fuel the flames of the anger that your dw felt towards you when she left and, no doubt, is still nurturing if you fail to acknowledge that at least some of the problems inherent in your marriage have been caused by your behaviour.

I'm saying how I saw it from your posts op. What izzy said.

You've now described a completely different scenario. Neverthless, I would suggest that you endeavour to find and maintain some common ground with your wife before making your concerns known to doctors, lawyers, and the like.

Wow Izzy. I obviously came to the wrong place. There?s a lot of hate here.

If you read my post again, unless I expressed it badly, she said that it was solely caused by changes in temperature. You probably don?t know this but it can get very cold in Hungary and the houses are highly heated. Knowing Hungarians and other East Europeans believe, rightly or wrongly that getting cold makes you ill, I make no cultural judgement, but also knowing that if you have a weakened immune system, this can undoubtedly be the case, you?ll see that I agreed with her in the context she was speaking of, ie that it could be the case, also mildly pointing out that as most people were not (ie in this country where we were living) exposed to such extremes, it would be unlikely that most suffered more from cystitis when it was cold. I?m sorry that you think this is neither rational or middle of the road.

If she had been speaking to you however where you flatly and absolutely deny her point of view and experience. Well I?ll say no more.

?paragon of righteousness? What?

Taking the post on face value.... Fluoxetine can in some people cause manic like episodes.. This may or may not explain her behaviour. I would encourage her family to get her medication reviewed.

Only acting out at home but acting normal outside is not uncommon for someone with depression. Not always the case, but not unusual.

Not quite sure why you would let her take your child out of the country... But now that's happened DO go and get some initial advice from a lawyer. You don't have to act on it straight away but at least you'll know where you stand and how not to act to make things worse legally.

Can you talk to your GP, or to social services? You should do if you are worreid about her health and the impact that may have on your child.
If she is ill she needs help in finding the right help, but that may involve psychiatrists and medication so you shouldn't be too fixed in your views on this.
Situation sounds very worrying - can you talk to her family who she is staying with?
I really don't understand the harsh reactions to your post you have received.
It is not uncommon for people who are ill to be able to contain their disturbed state of mind when they are with people who are not close family.

Wow, sorry about the reaction OP. I read your OP how I think it was intended. You made clear your wife had bizarre episodes when at home (not uncommon for depressed people - easier to keep on a 'face' in public) and I thought your comment about cystitis was fair. I am sorry this has happened. I am afraid I have no advice, just sympathy.

Thanks for your posts julesrose etc. In case you are interested they are both safe, with her family, she is off the Fluoxetine now, so I hope they?ll be back soon.

I really wonder why people such as bubblechristmaspop and izzywhizzysmincepies bother to give ?advice? when quite obviously (and thankfully) they are childless unmarried people who know very little about anything apart from their own hating mindset.