Dear DP

[MrsRWeasley]

Dear DP,

I love you so much, I really do, but I am just so frustrated and angry with how things have been the last few months. I'm really struggling but you seem to live in La-La land where everything is fine, when clearly it's not.

Money is what's the main issue I think. I'm baffled as to how you end up with so many problems! This month you racked up £150 of charges from your bank because last month you didn't manage your money well and ended up out of your overdraft. A few months ago I gave you the money to pay off your overdraft, but you spent it!!! That was £500 of MY money, and it's always me bailing you out when I'm living off benefits and struggling with my own bills without worrying about you!

You wanted to get me an iPad for Christmas so I gave you the £60 for the deposit which I was happy to pay, but then you didn't get the credit for it, and then that £60 was gone because of bills that had come out!!

I feel like I have to take your card off you and then give you a certain amount you're allowed to spend each week and then if you blow it all, you're screwed for the rest of the week.

I've tried countless times to help you but now it's clear to me that you won't help yourself. I mean for crying out loud, this week I had to go to my DD's piggy bank because she has the most money out of all of us with £7 in her piggy bank, you with -£160 out of your overdraft which is another £500, and me with only 4p in my bank!! Then you took the only money I had which was £3 so you could get to work but I now don't have any money to get me and DD dinner in tomorrow!!!

I am so angry and so frustrated that I think our relationship will come to an end if you don't sort this out. I've just had enough. I've learnt from previous relationships that sometimes love just isn't enough. You say we'll be fine and that I shouldn't stress out over things like money, but if I'm not, then who will!? I have my own debts to deal with without worrying about yours too.

You also forget how lonely I get. You work in the city and are only home at weekends, but don't think about how lonely I get being on my own in the evenings. The fact that I don't have any friends nearby who can come around or I can visit.

I just don't know anymore. I just feel like you don't care about me as much as you say you do.

Me.

You dont sound like you live together if you are claiming benefits, although I see he comes to yours at the weekend.

So why the hell are you bailing him out? doing that when you live together and it is family finances is one thing, but when you dont live together then it isnt your place to do that!

You have a child to support, he can support himself, and if he cant then tough, it isnt your problem. Everytime you give him money you are giving him another reason to not stand on his own 2 feet. you are putting your DD second to this scrounging dickhead, surely she deserves better than that? giving him HER pocket money is disgraceful, no decent man would have taken it.

He is using you as a cash machine and if you put your foot down and say "no more" then it may well show how much he loves you, as I cant see him sticking around for long when there is nothing in it for him.

Sorry :(

okay good letter from the heart.

If you really mean it give it to him.

Thanks for your replies.

Bogeyface I know that. I feel so ashamed and so angry, not just at him, but also myself. I have vowed to myself to not give him another penny until he pays me back all that he owes me. He doesn't live with us at the moment properly because his work is too far away for him to commute.

Doha I will, I plan to say it to his face by addressing the problems, see how he reacts, and then give him this letter, possibly adding more depending on the reaction.

I just feel bloody drained and pissed off by this.

i wasnt having a go at you, I know that when someone is standing there it is hard to say no. But I am disgusted at the state he has left you in. No man would do that to the woman and child he says he loves, they just wouldnt.

the fact that you gave him £500 and you are on benefits, he is a city worker and he just pissed it up the wall would have been a deal breaker for me tbh. I certainly wouldnt have given him another penny after that, I would have dumped him and taken him to small claims for the money he owed me.

Oh I know Bogeyface, don't worry, I understand where you're coming from. I think I've just been very naive with things, particularly in the past year :(

If you can, see if you can him to send you an email or text confirming that he owes you money.

Send him something along the lines of

"I just want to check when you will be paying me back the money (£X) that you owe me as I am dire need of it, as is DD. Can you reply to this with a proposal about paying it back as I really do need it"

Then, if you do need to take it to court you have proof that it was a loan and that he acknowledged it.

Thanks Bogeyface, I will do that. I'm heading to bed now hoping I'll feel a bit better tomorrow. Shall email him now so it's done. Thank you x

He is taking the piss out of you, walking all over you, how dare you put a man and his needs before that of your child. YOu should be ashamed. Get a back bone tell him to pay you back and then fuck off. You don't need him or any man, put your child first.

Sorry you've had to learn the hard way that he can't be trusted with money. You sound too nice for your own good.
"I just want to check when you will be paying me back the money (£X) that you owe me as I am dire need of it, as is DD. Can you reply to this with a proposal about paying it back as I really do need it"
No, that's too polite and offers him all sorts of loopholes to make excuses about why he can't pay you back, or why you'll have to make do with a quid or two when he feels like it. Tell him an amount that you judge he should be able to afford, when you expect to start receiving it, and how often he has to pay you. He's been getting away with murder.

Lesser, that email wasnt in expectation of him paying as I am sure he wont, it was so the OP has written proof that it was a loan that he has acknowledge so if it does come to the small claims court he cant say that he thought it was a gift.

Even so, it won't hurt to make it clear to him from now how unreasonable and irresponsible he's being and that he has to start paying her back. Hopefully it won't be necessary to go to court.