Lost the passion - can I get it back

[nomadwantshome]

Been with dh for 12 years, two young kids. We've been through some serious stress over the last few years, business related. We are both currently on ads.

I love him but I'm all rather cold about it all. I know I've switched off my feelings. It's a bit complex, I don't think there's one definitive cause. He has asked me on several occasions if I'm having an affair - I'm not. I've been like this for over a year now and I don't think I can live my life like this. I just don't know where or how to start unravelling all the shit we've brushed under the carpet.

I just feel all a bit numb and really hate the idea of all the emotional energy that will be needed. Does this sound all a little bit odd?

I wonder if the ADs are partly to blame? I found I felt very remote from everyone else when I was on them.

Firstly, how long have you been on ADs? Your Dr should have informed you that they take around 4 weeks to start to have an effect.
If you have been on them for sometime you should both really be talking to him about how you feel.
Secondly, Have a look at the information leaflet that come with the ADs. Some can cause a loss of libido.

Keep your chin up, It may not seem like it but there is light at the end of the tunnel

Is there something you both enjoy doing together? Could you try and start doing things - just the two of you. Don't invest a huge amount of energy initially, just book a babysitter / childminder and go and do something together. Doesn't have to be anything big and wowish, even something like a walk and lunch at a pub. Just some small steps to reconnect, without unravelling all the shit. That can come later.

BTW - I was on ads for 3 years. Due to anxiety. Had been on them before when DD was little because of PND. The ADs made life easier but very remote and unreal. The causes of the anxiety and PND were at least partly to do with DH, his career, lack of money, my work, FIL's death etc etc - ie the issues were ours not just mine. I have held so much resentment in my heart for the way life panned out and I blamed DH for a lot of it.

I've been off the ads for about 6m now and we are slowly groping towards some sort of rebuilt relationship. So much crap has passed under the bridge. It consists of being gentle with each other and making time. It's hard work though. And there are times I still long for the sort of relationship that makes your heart race But we have too much to chuck away.

Flip orm, that's what I feel, that I've harboured so much resentment over the years it feels like it's taken over my feelings for my dh. And yes I think we have far too much to throw away.

Also good advice about doing stuff together. I know we should but never seem to have the opportunity without the kids apart from a walk occasionally.

Have been on ads for about year after I came off them without the help of the gp, silly cow. Before that I'd been on them about 2 years maybe more. So I suppose it could be the ads but I didn't feel like t his before. Also have suffered from low libido since having kids really, again I don't think ads help in that respect.

I've pretty much been knackered for bloody years that doesn't help

What helps is having kids old enough to leave at home! DS1 is 14 (15 next month) and DD is 12. So sometimes we go out for an hour or two. Even better sometimes is just popping out during the day to do boring stuff like go shopping together! Sex is still a bit of an issue and my libido is a little wobbly these says (perimenopause) and they are still always there when we're at home! So we have to 'make time' for that too.

How old are your children?

Feeling emotionally 'flat' is a common side effect of ADs. Talk to your GP about your dose or trying a different one.

One of the most useful things I've learnt in recent years is that if you act the part, the feelings often follow. It goes against deep felt ideas about being 'fake' and 'not denying your feelings'. Those are important, but if being flat is your problem just try acting in the way you would if you felt the way you wanted to. Smile, be affectionate, spend time together and cherish the everydayness of it all. Every hand held and smile is precious so do both freely.... Maybe your emotions will find a way to catch up.

Totally agree medea.

I am married to a good, kind man. I married him because I loved him. That being the case it isn't hard to 'act' nice and that kickstarts the affection and things build from there. The way I see it, no-one chooses to have a difficult life - neither DH nor I did for sure - things happen and we have both been damaged by it. But it isn't his fault alone, nor is it mine.

Damn, just typed a long reply...grrrr.

The acting will be tricky and it will feel like I'm denying my feelings but I'll see if I can give it a go.

Kids are5 and 7 so I'm sure you know how distracting it can be in a relationship.

I feel all a bit taken advantage of and have 'carers' fatigue. I feel like I'm always putting other people first. I think this might be the nub of it. I feel so much resentment. I keep fantasying about just taking off and staying in a little cottage in the wilds all on my own so I can block everything out. I am desperate for me time and i get very little of it. I just want to shut everyone out. God I'm a miserable cow lol.

Btw does the feeling flat increase as I'm sure I didn't feel this bad before just more level iyswim. Has my body become accustomed to the ads?

On the acting front... Feelings can be fleeting, your long term goals might be a better way of motivating how you act. Want a loving and fulfilling marriage? Act like you have one. I'm not saying to hide justified anger or sadness but if you're just generally feeling flat and lost acting differently really helps.

Shit happens, too much of it in most of our lives, but you can change what's happening going forward, undoing everything that's been done isn't an option.

Thanks lady, I can see your point, I'm just confused as to whether I should confront all the resentment etc or is it all down to feeling flat. It's such a mess, I just feel like I'm so far down a road, it's difficult to find my way back. Are there issues that need sorting or can I act my way happy iyswim.

Turth be told I just want to switch off and go away somewhere, not have to think. Maybe I think too much.

TBH you do sound tired and defeated . I know that feeling. I also know the longing to just get away on my own. Anywhere really. TBH I feel pretty shit right now - so so tired, looking forward to christmas but wishing it wasn't such hard work, wanting to enjoy the run up to it with my DC but feeling swamped by responsibilities. But I don't get resentful of DH anymore - and I try to be nice to me too. I let things go that would have driven me mad a few years back.

It is so hard to tease out the different strands isn't it? Feeling tired, problems with work/money, ageing relationship, old resentments, children, no time for yourself. With me I managed to work out that the problem was me - I was worn out and worn down by the life I had been living. It wasn't DH, not in any real sense, and he was in the same boat as me really. I don't think we swept anything under the carpet - it's still there in full view but we're just walking on it and accepting it as part of the decor IYSWIM.

Are you ADs still working do you think? I'm not a total fan of them TBH but if they were working and they aren't now maybe you need to try new ones or increase the dose. Or even, at the risk of sounding mad, come off them. I think they can become a habit and you normalise the ironed-out feelings you get when you are on them.

Thanks for taking the time to reply.so much of what you say makes sense. I'm kind of worried that letting things ride makes it more of a build up but on the other hand if you don't let it bother you then it won't be an issue. I certainly am a lot more laid back than I was and that's liberating in a way. I do let things go as it's just taking up emotional energy.

With regards to the ads, last time I came off them I felt deliriously happy one minute and then sobbing all over the place the next so I know it flattens out both good and bad. I think my baseline is being a miserable cow so maybe I should go with that. Lol. Are there truly happy people in the world or is it just a cruel myth??

"Are there truly happy people in the world or is it just a cruel myth??"

Yes. Beleive it or not I am one of them. My default setting is optimisim. Sadly I do tend to depression/anxiety though but that's my brain going wrong not my mind IYSWIM.

Could you perhaps pay another visit to the GP and tell her how you feel? I feel a total fraud even thinking that I can help you - I'm not exactly an expert on relationship! Wish I could help more but I am struggling through a similar mire to you.

May I ask which ADs you are on? Years ago I was on tricyclics, but they just stopped me feeling anything, so I came off them as I preferred to feel something, if only depressed! SSRI's (in my case paroxatine) have been a godsend for me, I feel so well on them I forget to take them!

Am on sertraline which is an SSRI. I will go back to gp, I'm due for a review anyway.

Orm don't worry about it, you're not a fraud, just telling me your experiences, which really helps. Thanks.

While it is good that there are so many different ADs, it does mean that it can take a while to find the right one for your particular neurobiology (I'm hoping that's a word!) It also means you have to collaborate with your prescriber to find the right one, self-monitoring your symptoms, and not downplaying them cos you're depressed IYSWIM.