Can someone help me deal with my fear?

[OnlyForMe]

Marriage in a bad state and has been like this for a long time.
Started with me having PND with dc1 and then AND with dc2 (none of them were treated as I was let down by GP, HV when I asked for help....).
In the mean time, H struggled with being a dad and to have a wife with emotional needs 'bigger' than usual. Cue for him to stay away from home as much as possible.
He became very passive aggressive. Stonewalling, refusing to communicate on a basic level (incl refusing to discuss any parenting issues), putting down (eg telling me my job is for nutters etc...).
In the mean time, I tried to do as much as I could, got very upset that he wasn't involved in family life (which he saw as controlling). Reacted very emotionally which made him run away even more.

I got to the end of my tether this year and told him I wanted to get divorced. But I couldn't keep to my word. I got completely panicked to the point of physical illness.
I am looking at Christmas coming. I know I won't do anything until after Christmas (otherwise I will have to deal with my parents reaction too which I can't face). But I also know that these are empty promises I am making to myself. Each and every single time I tried to leave, I got so frightened that I couldn't do it.
I know I don't love him anymore. Too much hurt. He isn't violent in any shape or form and might even be not too much of a pain re the divorce.
But I still can't face it.
How can I get over this fear?

Do you know what exactly it is are you afraid of?

Have you tried writing down the individual things that scare you in a very simple and straightforward way? And then use that to work out a step by step plan for how you'll do each thing.

Sometimes the thought of doing the 'big' thing is very scary but looking at the 'babysteps' that make up the big thing makes everything seem manageable and possible.

I don't know what is stopping me.
I went to CAB before, checked what I would be entitled to and I know we would be OK, not fantastic but OK. this had been one of my fears so that was good to tackle it.

not sure what other 'babysteps' I could do.

Make an appointment with your GP and ask for a referral for assessment for an appropriate therapy that will enable you to resolve the residual effects of PND, and/'or more deep-seated issues, that are currently conflicting you.

If your GP is less than helpful, ditch him/her and find another practice where the doctors are up to speed with the efficacy of therapies such as CBT.

Once you feel more in control of your thoughts and feelings, I would suggest that you book some sessions of joint marriage counselling with an organisation such as Relate to enable you and your dh to assess whether your marriage is worth saving or to negotiate ways to split up without causing undue distress or disruption to your dc.

As for your parents, I would remind you that you are no longer a child and are not obliged to live your life according to their tenets or wishes.

speak to a trained cousnellor - ask GP to refer in first instance

I did go to see a counsellor with that question.
It certainly helped me to clarify my thoughts and feelings and know that I have very good grounds (if I needed any!) to end up the relationship. It also helped me be clear for me and others of the 'whys' be able to explain it in an articulate way. Strangely enough, even though I did mention the PND, she never picked up on it or though it was of any relevance to the situation.
When I stopped going, I though I knew where I was: wanting to leave H. Except that when I did, I just collapsed.

The one thing I dread with being alone is childcare. I know it will sound awfull but I am self employed and need to develop my business if I want to be financially independant (can live with TC but want not to rely on them). That means going to meetings early in the am and doing talks late at night. Neither of them are compatible with leaving the dcs with a childminder.
I also chose that option (and that work) on the basis that we would have one 'stable' income at least in the first years of the business. Personal experience with family members have made me wary of being self employed and I am scared to be on my own with a non reliable income.

I take what you are saying re my parents. It's more that they are the type to 'work on your marriage' and 'need to accept the other's defects'. A few things have happened that make me things Christmas would be difficult if I was to end the relationship before. On the other side, I know they would support me. We are very close.

izzy asking H to go to Relate (which he would only do at the very last resort) knowing that I don't want to work on the relationship but to end it feels completely wrong. I do agree about using Relate as a way to part with as little problems as posible for the dcs. but it feels like I would be using his good will to my advantage.

Given the further information you've disclosed it appears that your 'fear' is rooted in material concern for your finances if you were to leave your h.

It would seem to me that you have 3 options:

1. Stay with your h, grow your business, and leave him when finances/childcare issues are no longer such a pressing problem.

1. Find paid employment centred around your present childcare needs, put 'growing a business' on hold until a later date, and leave your h asap.

1. Leave your h asap and employ the services of a nanny/au pair to be on hand while you are attending to business matters in the early morning/late evening.

Your life, your choice but, if you choose option 1, I suggest that you consider marriage counselling so that you can at least live with your h in a civilised, if not harmonious, manner in order that your angst does not adversely impact on your dc.

FTR, unlike some Christian-based marriage counselling services, Relate is not just about saving marriages but can be utilised to perform a mediating role when ending a relationship.

Also for the record, I personally would only choose option 1 if I had appraised my partner of my intention to end my relationship with him after I'd 'grown my business' even if, insodoing, I found myself faced with one of the other options.

How old are your dc?

The dcs are 6 and 8yo.

Tried and typed an answer several times and deleted all of them. I think I need to do some more thinking there. none of the things that come through my mind have any sense once I've them down on paper (or rather a screen).
Too irrational.