I was so certain on Friday and now confused.
Sorry really really long.
My H and I have been together for 20 years we have 2 children 13 and 9. He loves his kids and is a good dad but a rubbish H. I feel like I have married his mother. She is v. passive aggressive and when is cross says things or does things which she knows will get a reaction. He does this too. They are both perfectists in terms of their expectations of others but take little or no responsibility for their own shortcoming and failures. They both expect and expect and expect and then demand everything on their own terms. I have barely spoken to his mother in years and really don't want a relationship with her. Though H keeps pushing and making it difficult for me to avoid contact. I blame a lot of our problems on her and his upbringing (single parent family with little or no contact with dad).
We moved last years, it was an incredibly stressful difficult move. Mostly the stresses came from H and his moods and bad tempers. I haven't forgiven him for it. Since moving our relationship has seemed to just get worse and worse. His moods and bad tempers tip me over the edge and then I explode and rant and rave. He says he's sorry and then we pretend everythings ok for a day or two or if we are lucky a week. The problem is always my period nothing to do with him. When I lose my temper he then feels justified to say really nasty spiteful things, I try very hard not too but sometimes they are just so hurtful. This is the cycle, it never changes and never gets better. Last September we had an enormous row in which things got really out of hand. I said unless this stops and if things ever get this bad again I would HAVE to leave. I said its not fair for the children to think this is how normal relationships work. We have barely spoken in a month and half, our sex life is shit and he has been in a mood most of that time. I don't want to spend any time with him and resent the stress he puts on all our lives. Apart from last Sunday I spent the last 3 Sundays angry upset and in tears. Last Wednesday I packed my bags and left the house. I can't stand it anymore. I want out. He said the most terrible things and was really really spiteful and at the same time sent messages like your breaking my heart. Its confusing and difficult. I kept calm and said I meant it and I went back to the house because a friend advised by leaving the house it would cause problems for custody. This was Friday. Saturday I had 2 crowns so was feeling really poorly most of the day and spent it in bed. He was on best behavior.
Sunday he cried and begged and pleaded for me not to go. In September I asked him to go to relate with me. He refused. Sunday he said he would go to the Dr about his moods and go to relate. I felt torn because I don't want to leave just before Christmas because of the kids. I see no good future in our relationship and feel we are slowly fucking up our kids by carrying on. I have no good feelings for him. When he's on his best behavior we are ok the rest of the time I want out. I said I would stay there in the spare room until February. But if things started again I was off. I have money for a deposit on a house if needed.
I feel like I've done the wrong thing. I feel like I should go. He has had 20 years of chances. I don't hate him but I don't love him or even like him.
He is now trying to push for more from me but I have nothing to give him other than civil behavior.
Have I done the wrong thing? Should I go? Friday I was so sure I needed to go now I still want to but what about my kids, I'm going to break their hearts.