A trans-atlantic relationship - move or not to move?

[picalooo]

During my 2nd year at uni I had a relationship with an american masters student. We were together for roughly the whole year - he went back to the states and we lost contact.

Flashforward 5 years - though work in London, I end up working with the company he now works for (not surprising both wanted to work in same industry while at uni) though a series of people and meetings, I end up at a board meeting with French partners with him in the room.

Anyway we hit it off again (purely as friends) but obviously he went back home to the states and I went back to London.

We stayed in contact - and have entered into a very good and close friendship with each other - that was 2 years ago.

He now has a Son (and is a single parent) who is about 14 mnths old.

We both know the other one has strong feelings for the other and would be together properly as a couple in a heartbeat if we were in same country.

Any after many many many long chats (in which we went round and round in circles and could only agree on the fact that we are basically in a relationship) but understandibly he is a dad and at 32 he wants a 'proper' relationship that has the capacity of being serious and long lasting.
Which we both agree us together has all the pointers of being this.
But that requires us being in the same country at least - and preferably the same city.

He doesn't want to move to the UK - he is a single parent and has his family around him there, he has a home and a well paid job where he is rising through the ranks quickly.

So logically I would be moving to the states - I have a family but I dont see them all that much atm (don't live anywhere near London), I also have a home and a life and a well paid job.
Moving to a new country and a new city - would be okay, the adventure and all and I'm still young to do it.
Okay the climate isn't that great job wise - but their arent a lot of people who have the experience to do my job (it isn't a big field) I'm not saying it would be easy but maybe easier than some jobs (there are fewer of us in the states than in europe)

I would say yes straight away - but there is this little nag in the back of my head. What if it goes pear shaped? and I'm stuck in a new place, in the same field as him, with no established base that I would have here?
Havent told my family that we are considering it - they would think i was bonkers.
Am I just being necissarily cautious? or over thinking it?

My friends are no help they go around in circles more than I do.

I'd start by looking to see if it is possible. Getting a visa to work in the States is extremely difficult. Your most likely options are to get an intra-company transfer, or of course to marry him (not that it's actually very easy to do this from an immigration point of view). There are some professions where it may be easier, but it really isn't about you deciding it's what you'd like to do, but a company deciding they want you enough to battle through the visa application process (and then you are basically in hoc to them - we moved to NYC on an intracompany transfer a few years back, dh lost the job and essentially we had to leave the country as he was not allowed to work anywhere else).

So, I take it you are not talking about getting married yet?

Have you looked into the legalities of you working in the USA if you are not married to a US citizen. Is your job such that the normal requirements would be waived?

You are what - 27 years old ? Young enough to take some chances if you are convinced that you and he really want to make a go of building a life together.

Are you the sort of person who would move to another country for reasons other than love (e.g. work, adventure)?

If it did go pear-shaped, what is the worst thing that could happen?

Oh...also...have you and he spent proper time together since you have re-kindled your relationship e.g. have you visited him at his home in the States?

In the 2 years that you've been corresponding, how did he acquire a 14month old son? Did he adopt or is he married - and is he still married? Is he a full time df or does he share care of his ds?

How much time have you spent with this man? How many vacations have you shared? Have you visited ihs home, met his family/friends, etc?

Presupposing that you can meet the criteria to work in the US, if it goes pear-shaped you'll be left with what you've managed to achieve/acquire since you arrived which will be a home and friends, unless of course you are planning to move in with him in which case see para2 above.

On the face of it, it seems that you have the most to lose by giving up your life in UK. Are you sure that moving to the US isn't going to be way more convenient for him than for you in more ways than ten? It may not be easy to simply move back and take up where you left off if your email/phone/skype relationship with this man goes pear-shaped.

When are you next planning to see him in rl?

I would say go for it if you can. It isnt as if you are strangers off the internet. You do actually know each other already.

Is there an option to get a transfer within your company to the US?

I would look into the job part of it first. When my friend moved over there, he wasnt allowed to work for quite a few months and it was really hard. He has been there 12 years now though, has got his full papers, and citizenship, an incredible job, and loves his life in California.

He move out there to be with a woman, but it was an internet thing, and even though they got on great to start with, and got married, it soon went pear shaped, but he had made good mates out there, and although all his family are in the UK, he decide to stay in the USA as the quality of life is so much better. I agree as I have been out there to stay with him a few times, and if I had the opportunity, I would move out there tomorrow.

I can completely understand the desire to be with someone very special.

BUT - there are some serious things to think about:
It is HIS country, HIS city, HIS family, HIS friends, HIS job, HIS son, HIS home, HIS ex (presumably)

Where is the room for you? What is he doing to make it appealing/easy/comfortable for you?

As you describe it, you are the one prepared to make the move, all the sacrifices and most of the adjustments. You are letting him have it 'all on his terms'.

Be careful and don't let your emotions carry you away. You most definitely are not over thinking it. Why not go visit on an extended holiday and take a look around. See what you think, and see how you feel. Listen to what he says.

I agree with checking it all out. But what is the worst that can happen if it all goes wrong? You come back here, and at least you will know that you gave it a shot.

For a single person the worst that can happen is that you have a miserable time, spend a very large amount of money getting out there (and then again getting back), and potentially lose the opportunity for the well paid job on your return.

I'm not saying that any of these things will necessarily happen, but immigrating isn't a thing to be take lightly. Very easy to just see the rosy side.

If you're only 27 and single with no real ties here, then I would say go for it. Assuming all the legalities or working abroad can be sorted out. If it doesn't work out, you will at least have a "life experience" under your belt.

Hold fire on having any babies with him though, until you know it is going to work out. That would make it all much more tricky.

Is there any chance you can get an internal transfer with your company? It would be the best and simplest way to get a visa. Some period of overseas experience would be valuable on your CV.

I would go on a holiday there to see how that goes and take it from there.

Also, are you ready to be stepmum? 14-month-olds are a LOT of work and baby comes first. And will do till they're 18 years old or beyond.

You'll also need to meet the baby's mum if she's still around cos she'll be a big factor too in your life over there.

I think you are right to think it over very carefully. Holidays with him should be the first step, gradually working up to being in a position where you feel you are going into any move abroad fully aware of what life would be like. Especially as on top of all the other things, life as a step mum can be tough. Have a look at the baords here.

Could you take a sabbatical from work or organise a temporary transfer to enable you to live there for an extended but temporary period that would serve as a trial?

Also bear in mind that if you settle there, a move back to the UK for you both would be unlikely as he would not want to move away from his DC.

Another thing to think about is how your employer would feel about it. If you both stay at the same company, would any problems be thrown up by you being a couple? I only ask as I work for a US company that has in the past had a pretty strange attitude to couples meeting at work in our US offices.

Hi picaloo...

Trans-continental relationships are always a challenge - yes, there are risks involved but sometimes they do work out. The problem is that you have to make a much bigger commitment from the start, rather than being able to date, test the waters and see how things go.

I left the US in my 20's to emigrate to the UK after a very whirlwind romance with a British man. He had been working in the US for a couple of months and we were introduced by friends. Only spent about eight weeks together, so it was a big risk moving to the UK, being thrown right into a domestic situation and then getting married after a few more months.

However, I was young, free, head over heels in love, up for an adventure and didn't feel I had too much to lose should things not work out. Which, unfortunately it didn't in the end. However, I don't regret a thing - we had some happy years together and are still friends. I'm still in the UK and have been happily married to my second husband (also British) for 7 years. We're actually planning a move back to the US and in the process of getting his immigration matters sorted out.

Indeed, it is hard to get a work visa for the US - do look into whether or not this would be something your company could arrange for you. If so, that would be ideal - the only other way to get work eligibility would be to get married to a US citizen - and that is a complex process in itself. I've had so many struggles with immigration matters over the years...it has been a major source of stress in my life and was probably one of the things that contributed to the break-up with my first husband.

Can you go over on a long holiday, say 4-6 weeks or so, stay with your man and see how you like it and how things go? That might be the smartest thing to do and a good way of testing the waters.

Good luck!

I did long distance dating for 2 years, (admittedly way easier than your situation as no child involved and inside EU not trans-atlantic) before I moved and had a good career-relevant job in hand in the new country before I left the UK. I also left escape fund savings in the UK so that if it went wrong I could just get out. So I would suggest as others have to spend as much time together as possible, start investigating visa and job possibilities and make sure you are saving up your exit fund just in case. If you need to come home, you have to be able to know that you had a positive experience even if your relationship didn't work out. For example, I have moved forward in my career, learnt a new language and had experience living abroad for an extended period. I also went out and built my own independent network of friends and hobbies as soon as I landed.

Some people might view my contingency plans and security measures as unromantic, but I think they allowed me to judge my relationship more objectively because it wasn't all consuming. And even when it is challenging, having my own network and career here and exit fund still safely tucked away in the UK mean I could choose to work on it rather than feeling trapped and miserable.

As such I could see my foreign bloke was a cracker and have been happily together for 7 years, married for 2. It can be done, just look after yourself and what you want in life too.

Mitsouko, do I know you?

freedom, I don't think that is unromantic at all, more like wise! Cos you never know what life will throw at you......

I have partly looked into visas - an intracompany transfer i think would maybe be likely, i have worked with the US branh before and i am heading up the european side of a project with them at the mo. They seem to like me and all that
I suppose I am the sort to move for the adventure - I lived in Hong Kong when I was in my late teens (not with my parents) and I have lived in Paris and Berlin with work (with the same company I am currently with)
No we aren't talking marriage and wouldn't move in together if I moved out there
his DS - when we first re-met we didn't fall into a relationship straight away (he was having a semi-fling with a woman at the time and I was dating someone) she got pregnant but decided after son was born that she didn't want to do it, signed away her parental responsibilities. So he is a full time single dad

I have seem him and son and his family in the last 2 years. I spent last christmas in the states with them, he and son came over here last summer holidays, we have both met in Paris (on work but both managed to add on a day or two for work), and his siter and her fiance where over here a few months back (doing a tour of europe) and they stayed with me.
Next time I see them will be new years - I am going to canada (sking - well me and the pregnant one wil be in the spa but still :) ) with friends and afterwards when they all fly back I am going down to spend new years with them.
I don't know about the being ready to be a step mum thing, but i'm not - not ready for it. If that makes sence. But i'm not imcapable around his DS (who granted at 14mnths doesn't know a lot but seems to get on with me - we make a point of getting me and his DS on skype together)

Thank you all

You do know him - you have spent time together over the last 2 years.

If you could transfer in your company - could you do it on a 6mnth transfer and extend if it works? Also is it the sort of place that you could work your way up and work there for ever? Visa wise if you do make it not temporary you know you have a job.

You have nothing really to lose - okay so you might come back, the relationship may end. But if you both go in with clear heads you know that this is it - if it doesn't work it doesn't but you both know that would probably be it.
His son adds pressures on that as well but if you know what you are entering into then thousands do it and are perfectly fine.

I agree if you do go over there keep an account here.

But you have moved before - it may seem like you are leaving things behind and he isn't but maybe you take to it like a duck to water? easily make friends and fit into a new environment quickly.
Being in a long distance relationship is very different to close distance relationship - it may work it may not. the worse that can happen is that it doesn't work even then you still get something out of it.

It could work. My DH is a Brit, I'm American. He was a single dad when we met. We've now been together (I settled here in the UK for similar reasons to those you describe) for almost 15 years.

By all means move over there if you want to see how it works out. The only things that would concern me would be losing your job, and selling your home. So, if you can transfer intra-company, and if you can either rent out your place, or sell it and bank the money for your return, then go for it.

Just DO NOT get pregnant. That is just a head-busting level of complexity. If you do eventually marry, think long and hard about how happy you would be to stay in the US permanently if you had children with him.

But clearly that's all a discussion for another day. For now, I'd go for it. I assume he's living in a major metropolitan area and not rural Kansas, right?

Oh just go. Try and do it with your company, as you still have a job to come back to but if you don't go, you will always wonder what might have been. You two get on, you get on with his family, you know you are not ready to be a SP yet but you are not required to play Mum anyway, you can work in your own field at the appropriate level. You have already worked in the US and know what it's like, you sound more than capable of making your own friends independently. What's not to like? :)

popper yes a very large city - we would not be having a very different conversation if it was rural Kansas :)