newly pregnant but its just the wrong time

[ffallada]

HI,
I?ve just discovered I?m pregnant (4-5 weeks) which is not the good news I?d always hoped it would be?.. The problem is my relationship / life status. I split from my partner of 8 years in the summer, moved out, lost my job and started a new relationship with a new guy who works 400 miles away (and spends a lot of time traveling internationally through his work). I?ve returned to uni to study for a masters and am trying to start my own business, so I have no income, and no savings. My mum had to buy me a haircut the other day because I couldn?t see out!

My ex and I were trying to start a family, we tried for three years but I as I didn?t get pregnant, I assumed I couldn?t get pregnant. For the last year we were together it was pretty rocky, so we didn?t have a lot of sex (in hindsight it?s really obvious why I didn?t get pregnant). He has had the worst year of his life, his parent?s illness, his work, my lack of work, us not getting pregnant, putting his mum in a home?.thing is, even though he broke my heart and asked me to move out, we are still hanging out together. Or rather, my new flat is in a bad area, has no heating, no food and very noisy neighbours, so I?ve been working around at my ex?s flat. He loves having me there, and our platonic friendship is blossoming?but I?m sure he will ditch me completely when he finds out I?m having another mans child. I wish it was his child?.but its not.
My parents are having a terrible year also, so I can?t really add to the stress they are already under by asking for advice. They, along with my friends, hate my ex for ditching me by email and asking me to move out of our home. They can?t understand why I would give him the time of day. Anyway, the new guy is nice, but he is not my ex. He?s not as kind (not that I?m saying he?s unkind), he?s not as funny, and I have no idea what kind of father he would make. I know he wants kids, he says he loves me, and would love me for the rest of my life. But we?ve only been seeing each other for 6 months?.not enough time to make that sort of commitment. So how could we raise a child together?
?.and, I thought I would feel some sort of connection to this foetus. I?ve wanted it for so long, but I don?t feel anything at all. Just lost and a bit lonely. I have no idea what to do.

Ffallada poor you

when I was in a similar boat to you I talked to as many people as I could - friends and colleagues I trusted, professionals.

I'm sure you'll get some good advice here.

Meanwhile...
< (small, mn-won't-notice hug) >

It's not a foetus, it's an embryo.

Some things are not meant to be and, given all of the circumstances you've outlined, I would suggest you deal with this glitch on your own with the help of your gp or Marie Stopes and perhaps the support of a good female friend - you'll find a few here if you have none in rl.

In future, take the pill or have a coil fitted until such time as having a dc will be the icing on the cake of your life rather than an entirely predictable but unwelcome consequence of having unprotected sex with a man you don't, as yet, fully know.

In any event, I suggest you be wary of any man you see occasionally yet who declares his undying love after a few months.

I concur with Izzy. If the time is not right for you, then it's not right for the energy up there to come down here. It'll get another chance when the time is right.
By the way, I think it's strange that you would be hanging out with your ex, after he kicked you out.

You need some counselling.

Are you asking if you should have a temination? Because none of us can really answer that. Yes on paper a termination may look like the best option, but in RL there are emotions etc involved, and with the best will in the world....we aint you! Only you know what you want to do.

Are you secretly happy to be pg after all this time but dont want the father and know that the man who you want to be the father would withdraw his friendship (and any possibility of a reconciliation? I am sure that you are thinking of this)?

Get some early pg counselling to help you work out what you really want and the best way to get there. You will have unending support from MN, I for example have had a termination but also continued with an unplanned pregnancy as have many others.

Oh and just to clarify, the fact that you didnt get pg with your ex may mean that there is a problem with his swimmers, did you ever get that checked out?

Sorry, did an accidental "cut"..it should have read

Are you secretly happy to be pg after all this time but dont want the father and know that the man who you want to be the father would withdraw his friendship (and any possibility of a reconciliation? I am sure that you are thinking of this) and are not allowing yourself to become emotionally connected to your pregnancy because of that?

Hi,
Thanks for taking the time to read and relpy (and sorry about the formatting).

You are quite right izzy, I don't have any good female friends in rl... I had been working hard for the past few years to make sure I was not made redundant (fail) and supporting my parents / partner / partners parents. So I am very pleased to be able to find mumsnet....and having read some of the message boards access to some pretty intelligent women.

Tall and bogey I think you two are also right. I think talking to someone would help so I guess I will have to head to my unfriendly GP. When I was with my ex I tried several times to speak to my GP about my lack of periods and lack of success getting pregnant. To say I was brushed off would be to put it politely. My ex has donated sperm in the past so I assumed the problem was with me and as I am 31 the GP wouldnt refer me for any tests.

I don't want to get back together with my ex....but I am lonely without him. Now I dont work my contact with the world has shrunk to my gay bf..my parents..gym..librarians and occasional meetings with my business advisor. Other than that i work on a computer. sad isnt it

Never mind the romantic relationships or lack of them: Do you feel right now that there is a baby or there is a problem? If you feel it's the latter then you may well want to have a termination. If you are thinking of your situation as a 'baby' already then having a termination may cause you distress. There are worse things than having a termination, just as there are worse things than being a single parent. Essentially, this is a decision that only you can make and never mind what anyone else thinks or says. Best of luck.

You dont need to see your GP. I didnt see mine when I had the termination or until after I had decided to go through with the unplanned pg. You can self refer here for BPAS or [[http://www.mariestopes.org.uk/ here for Marie Stopes

Take care xx

PS change your GP!

bugger

Here for BPAS

here for Marie Stopes

I actually got mine via the Sexual Health Clinic (or FPA as they used to be known) and was free.

Thanks.
I'm just going around and around in circles. I am lucky, very lucky to be able to have children. I thought that opportunity was gone from my life and have lost count of the nights I cried myself too sleep thinking about the children I could not easily have. And now Ive been given this opportunity how stupid I am to hate it.

The Inseminator (as he will hence forth be known) will support me...if anything too much. he is on anti-depresants to help him cope with his seperation issues...he needs to be kept at arms lenght most of the time anyway.

perhaps I will wait until I have stopped crying before making a decision. I cant understand why Im not happy.

You may be unhappy for any number of reasons, but I suspect that somewhere in among them will be sorrow at the fact that this has happened with the wrong man at the wrong time as it seems likely that, as yet, you are not over your ex.

However, that said, it sounds very much as if the inseminator has some serious issues which do not bode well for the future of your arm's length relationship.

Once you've dried your tears I suggest you act on Bogey's advice and contact BPAS as the last thing you need is a conversation with an indifferent GP.

I read this, was about to reply and then went out of range for a few days.

I hope your well anyway and have made whatever decision is right for you

Just to say as no one has that should you keep it I'm sure you'll find a way to manage.