Sorry I'm not Superwoman!

[auntynon]

Need to let off a bit of steam! dh went out for a few drinks last night after work, he called and said he wouldn't be back until 9.30. My plans for elaborate dinner of posh sausage and mash with Delia's onion gravy never happened as dealing with grouchy dd (10 weeks). When dh got home at 9.30 I offered to do quick omlette or beans on toast, this escalated into a 'I don't understand what you do with your time all day'. He can't understand why I can't be perfect housewife as i'm off 'work', he said I should manage my time better so I can get things done and look after dd. We've all been through a worrying time as dd is intolerant to cows milk and soya, shes better now but was poorly. I'm still breastfeeding, dh has never been left with her by himself for more than an hour, he has no idea. Need to get hang of expressing lark so he can have her for longer by himself. My house isn't perfect but my dd is doing ok, is beans on toast such a crime?

No, beans on toast isn't a crime. If he wanted anything else, he could have consulted Delia himself! He is the one who has commited the crime in this instance.It is criminal offense for men to question what you do with your time when you look after a baby 24/7. Men don't understand though. They won't understand before they have experienced it for themselves (difficult as long as you bf). Believe me, no man could do what a woman can do whilst taking care of their children at the same time. It is a universal truth that men cannot multi-task, so it is actually quite funny the first time they are left alone with baby for a long period of time. Expect the house to looked like it has been bombed and there will be no beans on toast for you either. He was looking after the baby you see......,)

Message withdrawn

Start expressing and leave him with DD for a whole afternoon or even a day - he will soon realise how much time a tiny little bundle takes up! I did this regularly with my DH when my twin DDs were very tiny and he is now in awe of any SAHMs - believes being at work is far far easier!

YOU ARE WORKING FOR *'S SAKE.

Hugs from me.

It WILL get better, btw.

My Mum used to tell this joke -

"One day, a man returns from work to find the house is a tip, the cupboards are bare, there's a pile of washing on the floor and a bunch of grouchy, dirty, hungry kids in the living room fighting over the remote control.

He storms upstairs to find his wife lying in bed, eating chocolate and watching T.V. He demands an explanation and she looks over at him casually and replies 'you know how you keep asking me what I did all day? Well today I didn't do it!'"

When I was at that stage with a 10 week old, I couldn't understand where my time went either, and I had a constant sense of non-achievement. I did get a bit of the attitude you are getting from DP, but it didn't come to a head like that. I started to keep a diary of what I did and how I felt..."DS crying, rock him to sleep, my lunch gone cold on table....re-heat lunch, DS woken up again...feeling hungry and lonely. DS sleep, put washing in..." etc etc. It made me feel much clearer and I just left it for DP to read if he wanted. Then I stopped trying to 'get things done' accepted that DS really did need me most of the time, and got on with enjoying it (just in time to go back to work!). I think there's a saying somewhere, that if you do ONE task not related to the baby each day you are doing really well. Hang on in there to your own self-respect and don't feel pressurised by DH. Good luck

I think part of your annoyance comes from the fact that he had already spoilt your plans by staying out drinking. Then having spoilt your lovely dinner plan he had the nerve to complain. Surely he doesn't want a huge meal at that time of night anyway.

Its a bit of a nerve also because why should you break off from caring for your baby to make his meal while he's out drinking. Perhaps he just hasn't adjusted to the realities of a young baby yet. Maybe you should do what Pupuce did on one of the other threads and keep a diary of everything you do - everytime you get up in the night, change a nappy, breast feed, wash clothes, change cot sheets. On second thoughts with a 10 week old you won't have time!

Great minds Blu....

auntynon get him to cook it himself
or better still
go on strike

Oh auntynon ... at least you HAD plans to do Posh Sausage and Mash!! When DS was 10 weeks I couldn't even pour myself a bowl of cornflakes!
You are doing a grand job and I agree with Fairymum that it should be a criminal offense for anyone (not just men) to say 'What have you done all day?' when you have a baby to look after .... My days when DS was that little were spent feeding, changing and trying to stop him crying when he was awake and collapsing in an exhausted fitful sleep when he fell asleep ...
Even now, and DS is nearly 4 years old, DH knows that that line will make me see red and any dinner I was going to make would find its way in his lap!!!!!
PRint off this thread and give it to your DH to read ...

When I had my first baby my sister sent me a card with this great poem inside -I am sure many of you will know it. I can't remember all of it but the last few lines were something like:

'Go away housework
dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby
and babies don't keep'

It made me cry at the time and I'm getting a bit choked now just thinking about it. My 'baby' is 14 now and we all have a proper dinner every evening.

Pah! - no his attitude is a blessed crime!

My dh was just the same when my dd was first born, until she was a few months old and I left him in sole charge one Saturday morning. When I returned he was a shadow of his former self and full of contrition. He now knows from first hand what looking after a small child is like!

Pah! - no his attitude is a blessed crime!

My dh was just the same when my dd was first born, until she was a few months old and I left him in sole charge one Saturday morning. When I returned he was a shadow of his former self and full of contrition. He now knows from first hand what looking after a small child is like!

you can't really know what looking after a baby is like until you do it - so the advice to let him see what it is like first hand is excellent!

auntynon, I remember my dh making the odd comment like this when dd was really little. When she was around 5 or 6 months he took a weeks parental leave (I had just gone back to work) to look after her on his own. I must stress that this was his idea!

I came home at the end of the first day, he shoved her at me and ran upstairs gibbering. The house looked like a bomb had hit it, and when he came back down he said "OK you've made your point"!!! I did point out that I had no point and that HE had wanted to take time off. Since that week he has never said anything about the state of the house, lack of dinner, he just gets on with tidying up or cooks something himself!

My DS is 9mths and I just started cooking meals for my hubby about 6 weeks ago. He knew better than to complain and just got on with cooking for us both.

Even without leaving him with baby on his own for a whole day I found it was useful if when he is home on weekends if I ask him to check whether a nappy needs changing ´(and change it if it does - implied), or to pick DS up becuase he is crying or to go check on him when he cries in bed in the middle of a movie we are both watching. He doesn't dare say no (knowing that I cope on my own all week long) - but I have to watch him that he doesn't think he can manage to look after DS properly while getting a couple of other things done. When I see DS crying on the floor when DH is supposed to be looking after him I always say that I take my job seriously when I am looking after DS and he should too when it is his turn, and this might mean not being able to fix himself a snack or check his e-mail exactly when he wants to.

Another vote for leaving him alone with the baby for a bit, or alternatively going on strike. The diary also sounds like a great idea.

It was only once I did that when DH truely began to understand how hard it can be. Although, thinking about it, I guess I could hardly blame him initially for thinking I didn't do much, as I am ashamed to admit I used to think the same thing of SAHMs before having my dd

Incidentally I have also found that when I was PT at work, men or childless women would also refer to my 'days off' from the office as 'holiday' or that it must be nice that my weekend was starting early. Grrrrr.

Ooh Metrobaby - did you hit them?

Aahhhh the only way to sort this out is hand him the baby- say EBM is in the fridge (get expressing) and go out for the day.

Very handily I used to work on Saturdays. It was great as a) dh realised how hard work it was and b) he wasn't a total no-hoper when left with ds1. I no longer work but I still go out for the whole day about once every 6 weeks. After the whole day with 2 kids he is ready with his "I don't know how you do it" for weeks afterwards

If expressing is not working / too much to cope with etc, just pretend to be out. Tell him he's in charge for the day and you are not available for help or advice (explain why). Spend the day in bed / in the bath / locked in the room with the computer (pref wearing earplugs or with loud music!). Come out for feeds only. Insist that while you are feeding, dh has to sit and massage your feet (so he doesn't get a break!). Refuse to offer advice. When the feed is done, hand dd back and return to bed... You may need to leave him a list of housework that you expect to be done.

LOL Zerub for the foot massage too.

Also have to add when you do get your DH to take over for the day, make sure you do pass comment that although not all the household chores are done (highly likely), you reckon they did well. Sets them up nicely for the next time you leave them to it !

I feel a million times better having read your messages, I had started to feel guilty that maybe I was over reacting but no I WAS NOT. dh has phoned several times from work today to see how 'his girls' are. I do believe he has had time to think about our 'tiff' last night and realises he was being unfair. I am determined to leave him alone with dd asap and will let you all know what happens. dd has been an angel today so dh will not have to eat beans on toast tonight. Also, dh should appreciate me more, am back to pre pregnancy weight and shape and have been having sex since dd was 6 weeks! (not that frequently though) I AM SUPERWOMAN!!!