"the Loser"

[VenusStarr]

hi

i tend to lurk more than post on here, but was reading a thread the other day and someone posted a link detailing "the Loser" basically all the character traits he would display when someone tried to finish with him....i'm currently going through this...well trying to shake off a loser. i have made it clear i dont want to see him again, not to contact me again which he acknowledged, wished me the best etc (this was last sunday).

but have had a text earlier today saying hope i didnt mind him texting (er yes i do) and that he of course was respecting my decision (um, no you're not) but hope we are still friends (we weren't friends to start with!!) i ignored. just recieved another text saying hope i got the text and no hard feelings :(

i suspected he was a loser but then reading that link the other day confirmed it and now he's doing this.

just wondering if anyone can point me in the direction of the Loser traits just so i can read it whenever i feel like i might want to reply to his texts and tell him to **ck off

Why not just delete & block his number so he can't text you, save yourself the bother?

i have blocked his number but you cant block texts. and blocking diverts to voicemail...

just to say i have considered changing my number but that would be if he continues to text (ignoring my request - one that he has acknowledged) but this will be a big hassle as i dont have a landline so my mobile is how everyone (utility, mortgage, insurance etc) know how to get in touch with me, so would prefer if he acutally respected my wishes and left me alone.

thanks for your reply though.

Change your phone number.

Oh sorry, x-posted.

Ignore. If he's a run of the mill loser he will give up eventually. If he's a turbo loser like my ex was he'll keep at it til you cave and change your number! First plan though, just ignore.

Taken from another thread:

Ending the Relationship

Remembering that "The Loser" doesn't accept responsibility, responds with anger to criticism, and is prone to panic detachment reactions - ending the relationship continues the same theme as the detachment.

• Explain that you are emotionally numb, confused, and burned out. You can't feel anything for anybody and you want to end the relationship almost for his or her benefit. Remind them that they've probably noticed something is wrong and that you need time to sort out your feelings and fix whatever is wrong with you. As disgusting as it may seem, you may have to use a theme of "I'm not right for anyone at this point in my life." If "The Loser" can blame the end on you, as they would if they ended the relationship anyway, they will depart faster.

• If "The Loser" panics, you'll receive a shower of phone calls, letters, notes on your car, etc. React to each in the same manner - a boring thanks. If you overreact or give in, you've lost control again.

• Focus on your need for time away from the situation. Don't agree to the many negotiations that will be offered - dating less frequently, dating only once a week, taking a break for only a week, going to counseling together, etc. As long as "The Loser" has contact with you they feel there is a chance to manipulate you.

• "The Loser" will focus on making you feel guilty. In each phone contact you'll hear how much you are loved, how much was done for you, and how much they have sacrificed for you. At the same time, you'll hear about what a bum you are for leading them on, not giving them an opportunity to fix things, and embarrassing them by ending the relationship.

• Don't try to make them understand how you feel - it won't happen. "The Loser" only is concerned with how they feel - your feelings are irrelevant. You will be wasting your time trying to make them understand and they will see the discussions as an opportunity to make you feel more guilty and manipulate you.

• Don't fall for sudden changes in behavior or promises of marriage, trips, gifts, etc. By this time you have already seen how "The Loser" is normally and naturally. While anyone can change for a short period of time, they always return to their normal behavior once the crisis is over.

• Seek professional counseling for yourself or the support of others during this time. You will need encouragement and guidance. Keep in mind, if "The Loser" finds out you are seeking help they will criticize the counseling, the therapist, or the effort.

• Don't use terms like "someday", "maybe", or "in the future". When "The Loser" hears such possibilities, they think you are weakening and will increase their pressure.

• Imagine a dead slot machine. If we are in Las Vegas at a slot machine and pull the handle ten times and nothing happens - we move on to another machine. However, if on the tenth time the slot machine pays us even a little, we keep pulling the handle - thinking the jackpot is on the way. If we are very stern and stable about the decision to end the relationship over many days, then suddenly offer a possibility or hope for reconciliation - we've given a little pay and the pressure will continue. Never change your position - always say the same thing. "The Loser" will stop playing a machine that doesn't pay off and quickly move to another.

Follow-up Protection

"The Loser" never sees their responsibility or involvement in the difficulties in the relationship. From a psychological standpoint, "The Loser" has lived and behaved in this manner most of their life, clearly all of their adult life. As they really don't see themselves at fault or as an individual with a problem, "The Loser" tends to think that the girlfriend or boyfriend is simply going through a phase - their partner (victim) might be temporarily mixed up or confused, they might be listening to the wrong people, or they might be angry about something and will get over it soon. "The Loser" rarely detaches completely and will often try to continue contact with the partner even after the relationship is terminated. During the Follow-up Protection period, some guidelines are:

• Never change your original position. It's over permanently! Don't talk about possible changes in your position in the future. You might think that will calm "The Loser" but it only tells them that the possibilities still exist and only a little more pressure is needed to return to the relationship.

• Don't agree to meetings or reunions to discuss old times. For "The Loser", discussing old times is actually a way to upset you, put you off guard, and use the guilt to hook you again.

• Don't offer details about your new life or relationships. Assure him that both his life and your life are now private and that you hope they are happy.

• If you start feeling guilty during a phone call, get off the phone fast. More people return to bad marriages and relationships due to guilt than anything else. If you listen to those phone calls, as though taping them, you'll find "The Loser" spends most of the call trying to make you feel guilty.

• In any contact with the ex "Loser", provide only a status report, much like you'd provide to your Aunt Gladys. For example: "I'm still working hard and not getting any better at tennis. That's about it."

• When "The Loser" tells you how difficult the breakup has been, share with him some general thoughts about breaking-up and how finding the right person is difficult. While "The Loser" wants to focus on your relationship, talk in terms of Ann Landers - "Well, breaking up is hard on anyone. Dating is tough in these times. I'm sure we'll eventually find someone that's right for both of us." Remember - nothing personal!

• Keep all contact short and sweet - the shorter the better. As far as "The Loser" is concerned, you're always on your way somewhere, there's something in the microwave, or your mother is walking up the steps to your home. Wish "The Loser" well but always with the same tone of voice that you might offer to someone you have just talked to at the grocery store. For phone conversations, electronic companies make a handy gadget that produces about twenty sounds - a doorbell, an oven or microwave alarm, a knock on the door, etc. That little device is handy to use on the phone - the microwave dinner just came out or someone is at the door. Do whatever you have to do to keep the conversation short - and not personal.

Link Hope this was it.

that's the link! :) thanks buzzswellington

EricNorthmansMistress that is my plan of action, just to ignore. i had a feeling that he would get in touch again, so i just need to be strong. i suspect he's not one to give up easily. this is despite the fact we never actually dated (actually planned to go out tonight) saw him last weekend and he told me he loved me after one kiss.... so i ran like the wind!! i think a lot of the above list has already been ticked!!

why do they seem so nice and normal at first?!

Because if they didn't seem nice and normal we wouldn't date them. Think of it as like some camouflaged predator that looks all innocent and safe until its prey gets too close, then: POUNCE! This one pounced a bit too soon so you were able to dodge before it was too late. He's not even good at being a loser.

I'd be itching to send a reply on the lines of "What part of 'You're dumped' doesn't work for you?", but the experts tell me it's better to just ignore and, if possible, block his number.

Anniegetyourgun :) at 'he's not even good at being a loser' haha

its been a succession of texts actually. and it was his behaviour when we were together which freaked me out. i felt incredibly anxious last weekend when i kept seeing my phone light up with another missed call.

i am entitled to ask someone not to text or call me and to have those wishes respected. he has decided to ignore my request.

i have been dumped in the past, i respected the other person's decision.

I believe we may all safely ignore any contributions from a poster with such a self-explanatory name as Icameheretotroll, don't you?