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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know I shouldn't moan...

27 replies

Doolally · 07/01/2006 14:28

Dh is a good man. I know he loves me dearly. He usually does most things I ask of him, although that cuts both ways. People that know us always say how lucky I am to be with him.
So I feel terrible and awfully selfish when I say I get sooooo bored. I try to talk to him about it, but we end up rowing because he doesn't understand what I mean and says I am blaming him for inadequacies in my own life. He simply doesn't understand boredom. I guess he is just one of those relaxed types. He doesn't see the importance of doing something different once in a while, just to get a different view.
An example, I suggested we went out for lunch today, not something expensive but just for the change of scenery. He just couldn't see the point! He said it was because I couldn't be bothered to think up something for luncSaturday. Infact if I say that maybe I am getting bored of tuna sandwiches he will suggest egg sandwiches, which is exactly what happened today, as I knew it would.
He doesn't ever do anything romantic, it never crosses his mind. He wouldn't appreciate a romantic gesture towards him, so he can't see why I would.
I bought him a little surprise of some very expensive shaving soap as he had been getting spots with the foam. He said thank you but pointed out that I couldn't afford it and when I said that if he thought it was good I might get some for my Dad at Christmas. His reply, quite innocently was, well give him this one. I was gutted and he couldn't understand why.
I do love him. I know he is a good husband and a good father but hell is can be soo boring that at the moment I am struggling to remember why we got married.

OP posts:
edam · 07/01/2006 14:32

He does sound infuriating, not surprised you are fed up with him. He needs to be shocked out of his complacency. Not sure how though.

noddyholder · 07/01/2006 14:37

You need to give him a bit of a kick up the bum Not sure how though but there will be someone along soon who will!

trefusis · 07/01/2006 14:42

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Auntymandy · 07/01/2006 14:47

I know exactly what you mean. Cant offer advice though..I left mine like that!!! bit drastic for you at the min!!!
Book a table somewhere for tomorrow and tell him you are going. If he says no go alone to show him you mean it!

noddyholder · 07/01/2006 14:47

But tasty and fun!not that I wopuld know of course

trefusis · 07/01/2006 14:52

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Original poster
Doolally · 07/01/2006 14:55

Cheers Ladies for the suppost. He knows I'm upset now and has just come up to me and troed to hug me and tell me to cheer up. I'm so fed up I strugged him off.

I really wish there was something that fired him up. There isn't. He thinks I have enough fire for both of us. He really is the most unemotional chap. If I really, really push him I can make him angry but I can never get him excited, I mean really excited.

AS for poetry. He works in publishing. He loves books. I think soemtimes we are going to disappear undera mountain of books. He bought himself a book on Post War Europe before Christmas, a very big book. He is still reading it. "Fascinating", he says. I can only smile in dismay.
How did I let this happen?

OP posts:
Original poster
Doolally · 07/01/2006 15:02

We have known each other 6 and a half years, been married for 3 and a half. How we met and got together is the stuff of fairytales.
However, I think the man himself was hiding behind a fog of alcohol and insincere confidence.
He was in a cool job, with a cool circle of friends, he was so original and intelligent he was treated like a God. I simply thought him 'out of my league'. I have since told him this and he thinks it's funny.
He also admits that he felt his life was lived in a fog of alcohol, smoke and unhappiness. He says he is the happiest he has ever been in his life now.

Oh God. Have I made the mistake?

OP posts:
coppertop · 07/01/2006 15:05

It sounds to me as though you're married to a Mr Logical. Everything has to have a purely logical solution and emotions are pointless etc?

He sounds similar to my own dh, who thankfully does at least realise that he can be a boring old sod at times. He's slowly improving but at times I could happily throttle him.

Auntymandy · 07/01/2006 15:07

go down stairs buck naked and see what he says/does!!!

trefusis · 07/01/2006 15:10

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MrsDoolittle · 07/01/2006 15:10

He's well used to seeing me buck naked I'm afraid.
If I thought it would work I would try it.

Thats' exactly who he is - Mr Logical!!!!

And don't I wish he wasn't sometimes.

Original poster
Doolally · 07/01/2006 15:13

I think you're right trefusis. He was ready to settle down in a new life.
I tried suggesting relate but he just poo poos it. He thinks we're okay.

OP posts:
Auntymandy · 07/01/2006 15:15

maybe you need to shock him then.
If you arent ok he needs to know, before you really start to resent him and your life together, as then there will be no way back!

Frizbetheexpansionset · 07/01/2006 15:19

Hmmmm my dh can get a bit like this at times too.....and we also met in an alcohol fuelled haze what works for me, is if its a weekend, gathering up dd and buggering off out on our own for the day, he soon realises he's missing our company and rings me up to find me in fact he's getting rather good of late and actually volunteering places to go

If he's being a pain in the evenings, I have been known to come on here, but I have also gotten myself a few hobbies that don't involve him, thus he now gets upset when I'm always out, rather than me getting upset that he's actually a boring git!!

At the end of the day we love each other lots, just I really was the drunk he met at the NY party, he on the other hand, was pretending!!

trefusis · 07/01/2006 15:20

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Spidermama · 07/01/2006 15:20

It's almost worse when they're nice to you doolally and when they pull their weight. It means there's nothing specific to complain about and you might fee you're not allowed to be pissed off or that you're being selfish.

He does seem stuck in his ways. You need to work to give him a jolt. Perhaps you could take up a hobby which doesn't involve him. It would be soul food for you, it would provide an escape once a week and it might have the added bonus of making him a little jealous.

I did a meditation course last terms which got me out of the house one evening a week. I really enjoyed it. It was run at the local FE college and cost £50 for the whole term.

Auntymandy · 07/01/2006 15:21

I told exH I wanted to go out once a month. I went out once a month.

Original poster
Doolally · 07/01/2006 15:27

Your right I do need a hobby of my own. I think he would be rather relieved actually.
He has said that when we got married he really didn't think he was going to have to entertain me. I should find my own entertainment.
What shall I do? I need to lose weight. How about swimming? But I need to go somewhere I can meet people.
I literally know noone around here as we have recently moved to be closer to his work. He says I need to get involved in baby stuff. Which, infact, just makes me want to hit him.

OP posts:
Bink · 07/01/2006 15:27

He sort of sounds nice (and not a million miles off my own self, if I'm honest).

And, projecting accordingly, my prescription is: Something Funny. Take him to a silly film, or a comedy club where he has to get outside himself. Make him do some kind of silly activity, like those monster blow-up balls that you roll down a hill inside.

Auntymandy · 07/01/2006 15:32

where do you live doolally?

Original poster
Doolally · 07/01/2006 15:38

Bink, I suggested Orbing!! he wouldn't have any of it. He siad he couldn't think of anything worse.

We live near Newbury

OP posts:
Original poster
Doolally · 07/01/2006 15:40

Everybody thinks he's nice - which is very irritating

OP posts:
jac34 · 07/01/2006 15:55

I think you are proberbly quite well matched, opposites attract and all that.
I think you just need to find an interest,so that when you've used up some of your excess energy,you can come home and snuggle up to your Mr Dependable.

I have these funny turns,once in a while,where I want to do something exciting. I used to tell DH when I felt that way,he'd just say,"Oh no,"but would help me try to think of something. Now I usually just take my 7year olds off with me,they can usually think of something.They also think I'm MAD

edam · 07/01/2006 16:07

He does sound infuriating, not surprised you are fed up with him. He needs to be shocked out of his complacency. Not sure how though.

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