one of those "i should never have had children" threads

[regularnamechanged]

I have been trying to convince myself that I can live my life for a while now, but I am not sure I can. I have two lovely children, two and a half and 6 months, and I am on mat leave, and I hate my life and I feel as if I am going crazy. Every day a good day is one I don't want to to scream too often. A bad day is one where I really literally want to bang my head on a wall or cut myself up most of the time.I am fat, ugly, desperate, have no time, no energy, no way of getting any. I left having children very late as I wasn't sure I wanted to or could cope. then I had two of the nicest children anyone has ever had (no really - my friends joke about how polite and pleasant dc1 is relative to theirs of the same age) and can't cope and want to die. i was supposed to be getting treatment for AND but then I suppose it was PND or just D and anyway all I have had is some crap booklets and pressure to go on ads. I don't want to. I want to kill myself now. I won't I will never do that to dcs but I feel so trapped it seems like a lovely idea. Even that lovely idea is beyond my reach. I will never have a holiday again, never ever ever and I am so tired and desperate. What can I do?

This isn't the real you, this is the depression speaking. Please, please, please go back to the GP and get some medication for this. It's a real illness, and can be treated. You deserve better, you deserve to be happy and enjoy your children. With some medical help you can.

Re antidepressants - you would (I hope) have a cast on a broken leg. I hope that if you were diagnosed with high blood pressure that you would take the right tablets while making lifestyle choices to bring it down again. Antidepressants if they are appropriately prescribed can be useful, and you may find it a temporary help until you can find some equilibrium.

Also, get as much support as you can and get as many breaks as you can wangle. You have had two children relatively close together, it puts a strain on the body.

And you are obviously doing something right. I know it is hard to believe (depression veteran here) because when you are stuck in the middle of it you can't see it, but you have two children. You care about them. And you are with it enough to post on here and reach out. That is really, really hard when you are in the middle of it.

I have been known to break things down into literally getting through five minutes at a time. It may help you to look at that.

Good luck!

When you feel like you can't cope, it's time to add some fresh coping tools to your arsenal.

Please go speak to your GP again.

Your children are lovely and so are you. Both they and you deserve a more stable-feeling you. ADs help with that: they give you the breathing space to figure things out and take whatever action you need.

These painful feelings do not have to stay permanent.

You have an actual, real, genuine illness and you DESERVE to get well. Please please please go back to your GP.

Take the pills.

Give the anti-ds a chance: you're feeling as low as you can go, so for goodness sake, take the leg-up they can offer. They can't make it any worse, can they? If you're feeling you'd rather be dead, then you need help. You can turn this round - loads of us have been where you are, and you can get through it and feel the sunshine again.

Phone the Samaritans right now and after that make an emergency appointment with your doctor. You know what you need to do - stop putting it off.

Could you tell us why you don't want to take the ADs? There is absolutely nothing wrong with getting help if you need it.
These early years are very tough! Specially if you were used to all that freedom.
Give it a couple of years, your lovely well behaved children will be such good company.
It really DOES get better.

I can understand your reluctance to go on ADs, but really, for me it was the best thing I ever did. It's given me back my hope.

You sound like I did at my lowest and it may seem there's no way out and no peace, but ADs can get you back on a level. You will still have ups and downs but the lows won't be as low iyswim? I'm bobbing along fairly nicely now, whereas at my lowest points I have just wanted out.

Your children sound lovely, and a credit to you, you deserve to enjoy them! Please speak to your GP about this.

I had PND after my first child and refused to take anti depressants too. I lived exactly as you described for the better part of a year. Life was unbearable and I didn't bond with my child.

One day I couldn't stop crying, couldn't get out of bed and started thinking about throwing myself off our 10th floor balcony. A very kind doctor took a long time to explain to me why I needed to take anti depressants. Basically, my body just couldn't produce enough happy hormones and I had to kick start it into action. I started taking them and not long after everything started to feel better. I remember laughing with my DH one morning about a month later and saying 'I am back and I feel like me' over and over again. I can't describe the relief.

I look back at photos from that time and feel sad that I didn't do something about it earlier. It almost destroyed me, my marriage and my relationship with my child. I went on to have another baby and now have two the same age as yours. Thankfully everything was fine the second time around but there is NO WAY I could have coped with a toddler and baby and PND without losing the plot altogether.

Please, please, please go and get help. You won't regret it. I'll hold your hand if you want.

X

regularnamechanged - you are getting the Mumsnet equivalent of 'hugs'.

I really hope you are feeling okay. It is tough, and just for trying you deserve credit.

Do you have anyone around like a partner that can give you breaks? Do you feel comfortable talking with the Health Visitor? (I have had several and some were brilliant and some were from hell). Can you afford to leave them in a nursery for an afternoon?

Really hope things get better for you soon.

I dont know much about AND or PND but I know how awful depression can be. You cant go on like this and you dont need to.

Please go to your doctor, as soon as you can.

The pills needn't be scary, and they needn't be forever. They will help you now though.

Is there anyone in RL you can talk to? Talk to as honestly as you have talked here? Carry on here too though, you arent alone.

Thanks everyone who posted.
Why no ADs? - a, because I think they don't know really about breastfeeding(they say they do but they don't) and I've had SSRIs before and found coming off them horrific and have no confidence that that is not what would happen to my baby (when I stop taking them or stop bfing) (let alone what other effects nobody knows); b, because I have had them before and found them problematic (to cut a long story short) and I can't cope with more problems

I need some proper sleep so badly. Not these rags I sometimes feel lucky to get, 3 hours here, 2 there, hurray a good night. I want 8 hours in a row for 7 nights. Ha ha ha how many people on here want exactly the same? If I had that I could sort out the house, lose weight, look for a job, do some good cooking and freezer cooking, tell a few jokes, meet my friends - anything really

Anyway just really looked in to say thanks, my laptop is broken btw so can only come on sporadically

Do you have a partner or family that could take your children for a night - being so tired is awful, I remember it well. If you have a partner, leave him for the night and go to a hotel or a friend or family member and sleep. OK, you'll have rock-hard boobs in the morning, but it might be worth it.

You poor thing. It is awful to feel as you do. But seriously ad's can give you your life back. You need to work with a gp to find a good dose for you. Why worry about coming off them? One step at a time. Get better first. You can stop bfing too if you are worried. Your baby has had six good months, but your children will benefit far more from a well mother, than from a few more weeks of breast milk. If your gp is not great with this, try another atvthe surgery. Took me three gp's to find one willing to really monitor the ad's and dosage. I hope this helps. You don't need to feel alone in this and you can get well again. Lots of luck.

You ARE NOT alone. I am older and have a just turned 2yo and 6mo and this is the hardest thing I have ever done.
Some days are harder than others and it all coincides with sleep deprivation for me.
Don't be so hard on yourself poor love. I see where your coming from. I too am BFing my 6mo.
When I've had a good kip I feel like 'me' and when I haven't I feel like crap, useless and give myself a hard time for bringing these gorgeous DC into the world..
The simultaneous screaming with lack of sleep is the part I find hardest!
And leaving the house also with them both..
You are having a bad day and it is so easy to feel this cloudy on those days.
No advice re AD as I didn't want to take them either. I just wanted you to know you are not alone and I completely understand how it can make you feel!
Please don't take drastic actions - you will get through this... xx

I experienced severe PND...had to be hospitalised for a month.

It may be readily disregarded but try and improve the quality of your diet. Eat eggs, good oils and butter. In the same way that a tiny little pill can have a dramatic affect on your body so can food. Having 2 children in close succession has stripped your body which is why you feel detached from your children and everything else...its your body screaming for a break. I recovered quickly with no medication at all. The modern diet is wholly deficient especially for women after childbirth.

buy a good quality organic, cold pressed extra virgin oil or raw coconut oil or cod liver oil and have a teaspoon after dinner every day. glass of milk and a raw egg - that sort of thing. you need rich fat foods.

x