Emotional abuser or twat?

[megansmummy1]

Please help me to decide if my H is being abusive or just a complete twat. We have been together for 10 years, married for 8 and tbh although I love him, i dont feel like he treats me well.
The problem is there is no one big thing, its a lot of little things that are all un conected, on its own each thing does not seem that bad but now i have sat and thought about it all, its not good.
One of the main problems is that he is a compulsive liar, mainly about smoking but also about money - he may say he has no money for something like a washing machine but then when i struggle and do without to buy one, he will suddenly find cash for 2 pairs of new levis at £80 each. This has been a theme throughout our relatioship. Each time is the last.
The other issue is his moods, he is a sulker and a grudge holder, he will often give me the silent treatment or only give moody one word answers but when i ask him whats wrong, he just looks at me and says "what is wrong?" but rarely tells me. I have just realised, he never treats me like this in front of others, he may ignore me in the car on the way to his parents but will then speak to me normally whilst there. I feel like I am always tip toing around, trying to keep him happy to keep the peace.
H is also a shouter, if we argue, he raises his voice a lot and when i say please dont shout, his stock reply is "Im not shouting, you'll know when I'm shouting" but said in a shouty, agressive way.
H had an affair 2 years ago and i was all set to leave him but he somehow talked me round, think it was mainly guilt about affect on DD - now 4 and all the can't live without yous. He even said he had considered crashing his car to end it all as i would be better off without him. He promised to change and never lie to me again but i recently found out he had been lying to me about smoking again. before this, he had made a real effort and things have been pretty good. I just dont know what to do. He doesn,t call me names and is never violent towards me (inanimate objects get it though!) I dont know how much longer i can put up with this but we now have DS who is 7 weeks, i am on mat leave so have no money. I will feel so guilty taking chidlren away from him, feel like i have ruined their live etc

He is both. Emotional abuser = twat.

You don't sound very happy with him. Ask yourself this - do you still want to be married to him after your DC have left home?

He is an emotionally and, from the sound of it, financially abusive, lying, philandering twunt twat and, if this state of affairs does not change, the pair of you will be appalling role models for your dc.

Would you want your dcs to have marriages like yours?

Definitely abusive. Being in an unhappy relationship is pretty damaging for kids to witness and live with. As pp said, is this what you want your kids to model their future relationships on?

Sorry to hear you are going through this, I hope you find the strength to make a better life for yourself.

He's both .... Clearly he is not going to change. There is vey little respect for you as a wife and mother. I would kick him to the kerb.

Aren't all emotional abusers extreme twats?! And yes, he is emotionally abusing you. Clearly he knows he's doing it and can control it otherwise he would continue acting like that in front of other people. And like all emotional abusers, he is extremely selfish, it's all 'me, me, me'. Money for ME, happiness for ME, deal with everything how I want and stuff everyone else - guilt, unhappiness and financial problems for YOU.

He's emotionally abusive and also physically abusive.

You said that the inanimate objects receive the brunt of his physical aggression but that is his way of displaying violence to keep you in line. Showing you what he could do to you if he wanted to do.

The situation is not healthy for your daughter, she needs a much better life than spending her time growing up walking on eggshells making sure that daddy isn't upset.
I'd suggest that you call your local women's aid for some advice and support.

Thanks for the comments, think i knew you were all going to say that! its just that its been going on so long it has become the norm and between various incidents, he can be wonderful. He is a wonderful father and all my family think he is great but i suppose they dont see the side that i do. When i say i want to split tho it will go one of 2 ways, either angry ranting or he will be so wonderful, i will wonder why i am doing it and think i am mad. My 4 year old will be gutted but no, this relationship is not a good role model.

The problem is that he has no one he can stay with and we can only just afford this house between us let alone him be able to afford somewhere else. Realistically, we will have to sell up

He is abusive towards you and treats you with complete contempt. What keeps you within this, the children?. Staying for their sake rarely if ever turns out well as the children when adult will turn around and ask you why you did not leave him far earlier. They could also at that time ask you why you put him before them. Not a legacy you want to leave them.

It will do your children no favours whatsoever to be witness to an abusive marriage like yours also because your marriage died a long time ago. You will mess them up if you choose to remain with this man. Both of you are currently imparting damaging lessons on relationships to these young people.

The obstacles to leaving are not insurmountable to climb; there is help out there. Womens Aid will be a good place for you to start talking to.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?

Living with an abuser makes the victim over time normalise what is happening to them. They can do nice/nasty very well but its a continuous cycle with you living in fear in the meantime of his next outburst.

These men too are very plausible to those in the outside world; it is only behind closed doors that the mask slips and I am also certain that some of your friends have unvoiced suspicions about him.

I was waiting for the "great dad" comment and again here it is. Many women in your position often write that. Women too usually write he's a great dad or in your case "wonderful father" when they themselves have NOTHING positive at all to write about their man. He is patently NOT a wonderful father; his actions are making your life a living hell. He does not give a jot for either you or the children if he can and does treat their mother like he treats you. He acts like this too because he can; this is at heart about power and control. This is what abuse is all about.

So the hell what if he has no-one else to stay with-why are you feeling so bloody responsible for him?. His living arrangements longer term should not be your concern in any way. That is also unhealthy for you. He actively chooses to act the way he does, don't feel sorry for him now. He's the one who had an affair too and has freely employed emotional blackmail (he threatening to crash the car is one such tactic) to keep you within this.

You need to seek legal advice re the home and other issues asap.

I just wanted to second what Attila said really. My mother was married to the same sort of man [my father] for 30 years until she finally had enough. His behaviour became normalised and it had a terrible effect on all four of us. Yes he could have been described as a 'good' dad but we soon picked up on the under current in the house. We all lost a lot of respect for her over the years and it had a massive effect on the relationships we all went on to have - similar partners as it was normal. Would you want that for your daughter?

On a positive note we all now have a good relationship with her and her new, lovely, wonderful, kind husband ! What a breath of fresh air! My father is still a twunt and we all have a fractured relationship with him and the mug he is now with. My mum kept her house on a very low wage and is happy. Please don't be blackmailed, think of you all xx

Have a look at Freedom programme website for good man/bad man and see which boxes he ticks. Also think about what he could do and chooses not to. It takes quite a lot of time, distance and talking to realise quite how abnormal things become. You start off doing the eggshells, then you do the put up or shut up, then you get depressed and feel caught ie the house problem because nothing in your relationship seems to be resolved or to be able to be resolved. Each broken plate, or thrown cup is a demonstration of the power of his anger, he is showing you he can break things - including you. Keep posting, have a look at the Emotional Abuse thread and the books suggested. Knowing more and talking more will only give you strength.

I will feel so guilty taking chidlren away from him, feel like i have ruined their live etc

Having parents that divorce need not be a life-ruining event, especially at 4. I have many friends whose parents divorced and they have turned into well-adjusted, happy adults.

OTOH, growing up in an abusive household most certainly is, if not a life-ruining, then certainly childhood-ruining, experience.

as tiger says, living with a man who is nice/nasty and takes his anger out on objects is very scary for a small chld - he is not a wonderful father he has no conisderation for the DC or you. you can improve their lives by leaving him.

financial / housing - it can be sorted.
that is material.

Any man who abuses the mother of his dc is NOT a 'wonderful father'.

As for your abuser talkng about 'crashing his car' - he is a car crash and I suggest that you get the wreckers a divorce lawyer to clear him out of your life for the sake of your dc.

As he was able to get himself back in your good books so easily after his affair, and as he clearly had and has no intention of keeping his promises to you, there's a good chance he'll have another but that's no reason for you to delay making a trip to a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law.

Well, there may be other reasons why he is a compulsive liar and behaves in a twatty way (does that word even exists), but he seems to control you. The 'I can't live without you'-s are the classic way of keeping you with him and then the suicide thing.

If you really want to satisfy yourself, tell him if he doesn't clean up his act, you'll go at the end of mat leave (if that is a reasonable time period, i.e. not a year) and then do so if he hasn't cleaned up his act. Tell him that and leave.

If he comes again with the 'end it all' thing, think your children are better off without such a father.

Failing that there is always a way to keep the house. Just change the locks .

But may I ask why you decided to make another child with him?

Just saw your second post.

What about giving him a list?

Makes for some fun on your side. Give him what you receive. And who cares about the ranting? Let him. He'll stop when he has said everything he wants to say. Just don't listen. Surely you ignore your daughter too if she behaves badly, do th same with him.

Just heing honest here: so you can only just afford your house, which is not so surprising, but honestly, is that a reason to have you treated like this?

I do not think it is legally possible to change the locks because they are married.

Forgetr giving this manchild any list; the best thing you can do now for this marriage is to seek legal advice asap before he further emotionally destroys you and by turn your children.

Does it really matter which he is?

What matters is the effect he has on you and how unhappy you are.

buzzswellington - exactly.

OP - I spent long time trying to figure out whether my ex was emotionally abusive or just a twat. I tried and tried to make things better between us. Eventually I realised it didn't matter which it was - I didn't like the way he treated me, I had lost respect for him, and I no longer wanted to live with him.

I didn't want my DS growing up in an atmosphere like that. I didn't want him growing up learning that that's the way to deal with disagreements. Eventually I realised the guilt and sadness I felt about how us separating would affect DS was nothing compared to the guilt and sadness I felt about how us staying together would affect him.

When we separated 4 months ago I too didn't know which way he would go. Fortunately, so far, he has been fine about everything. Our families have been pretty shocked. There have been many times when I have questioned what we're doing.

But you know what? I have not missed him once. That shows to me just how little love, affection and support I got from the relationship: being on my own I haven't noticed the difference. If anything I feel less lonely now that I have in years.

You've made a point that will strike a chord in many, RushyBay.

We can feel far more alone with others, including sometimes those we love, than we do on our own.

For all those who fear going it alone, I say 'feel the fear and do it anyway' because it can't be worse than being stuck with someone you fear or despise and who is causing you, and/or your dc, emotional or physical harm.

'The problem is that he has no one he can stay with and we can only just afford this house between us let alone him be able to afford somewhere else. Realistically, we will have to sell up'

One of those problems is his and his alone, and something he really should have taken into consideration before he decided you were not worth respecting.
The other problem -- speak to a solicitor.

You don't have to decide anything at once. See how things are when your mat leave is over. In the meantime, try to arrange to go to the Freedom Programme and examine what disengaging emotionally from him might mean for you. Look at the amount of energy it drains from you when you have an unhappy encounter with him and ask yourself if you could have more for the children if you weren't tiptoeing around sensing the way the wind is blowing.