What to do with this friendship?

[SkinnedAlive]

The basics - I have a very close male friend. 17 years younger than me. He has a girlfriend, I am single. I have always seen him as just as friend, not exactly like a son/brother but you get the drift. We go to university together - are in the same very small tutorial group and we also play sports and go to the gym together. But outside school we don't see each other, though we are both bad insommniacs so sometimes chat on FB to 3 or 4am.

Anyway, he is in his 1st real relationship but the girl is a bit intense - just young but he can't talk to her at all about how he feels or who he is, and he is a very deep, sensitive person. For example he tells her he feels depressed - she is upset and makes a big scene that he doesn't love her or he would be happy all of the time. So he talks to me instead. We have both had pretty tough childhoods and suffered from depression, so we can really understand each other and I value his friendship a lot. I try to be like a good older sister to him - encourage him that his girlfriend is young and she doesn't have the experience to understand, that in time they will hopefully become best friends not just lovers etc etc. They only see each other every 3-4 weeks as they live in different countries.

Anyway, I had a quite a bad accident recently and me told his girlfriend about me. How he was worried about me, that he could talk to me etc. This caused a very large argument. I never noticed before but I think he has a bit of a crush on me. I look about 10 years younger than I am and I don't think he knows how old I actually am. I feel really bad that he is fighting with his girlfriend because of me. I want to be his friend, but if he does have a crush on me I think I should start to disengage a bit. However we have very tough exams coming up - I will miss him hugely and I think he would miss me too. I am a stright A scholarship student, he is very bright but does not do so well in exams (has depression) and misses a lot of classes - but tends to come with me to class when I bully him to.

So should I disengage - leave him to his own devices? Or just keep things the way they are and maybe disengage a bit once the exams are over? This is 100% a platonic friendship but I care a lot for him and just don't know what is for the best :(

Hey why lose a good friend. His girflriend is jealous, be there for him and let him deal with it, don't lose a friend. Thats madness.

Agree with Fabbychic, her problem not yours. As you say she is young, she needs to understand that not every male / female friendship is sexual, but ending a friendship won't teach her!!

Are you in the US- some of what you say doesn't sound like UK education?

I think the proper thing for an older woman- you what, over 35?- is to keep your distance if you think he has a crush AND it's affecting his relationships.
If it was simply a jealous girl friend ( she sounds very young...) ten I'd ignore, carry on and let him sort it out BUT if he has a crush that complicates it- so I think you should ever so subtly tone your friendship down a little.

Maybe not now- after the exams- and if he notices and questions your behaviour you'll just have to say that your friendship is affecting his relationships and you are not comfortable with that.

I'm not sure, but can you tell us what moisturiser you use?

what?

Ha ha LeBOF - I don't actually use moisturiser - but I DID have acne most of my life and have been on a few courses of roaccuatne - it actually does regenerate the skin but it is also a fairly nasty poison :( I used to be full time athlete in my youth many, many, many moons ago and am still very fit physically. I am 40 but look 30 - both face and body. Well body probably a lot younger than 30 . Not in US but not in UK.

I have no physical interest in him. I have spelled that out, so maybe as you all say keep things as they are, and after the exams he will have forgotten about the crush and we can get on with being just good mates? Its just this fight with girlfriend is a new thing, and because I care about him I hate seeing him hurt :( But then he is 22 - this may not be the girl for him. I don't want to be in any way, shape or form responsible for him fighting with girlfriend - but at 22 he is young and is learning about life. Its weird - I have not had kids but I care about this guy a lot - but like a son, lol

Well this issue has resolved itself. My friends girlfriend has told him not to be friends with me any more So he is avoiding me in class and online. I have exams coming up, many other friends and lots to keep me busy, but I do miss him. I hope in time both him and his girlfriend will see that a relationship has to be based on trust, and that it is not for one person to tell the other who they can and cannot be friends with. Maybe we will be friends again in time.

I do feel very sad though - admittedly for myself but also a bit worried for him. He has no social life at all really. He is not allowed out in the evenings but is expected to sit at home - no movies or even meals out with his other friends, never mind parties. This is not good for anyone . Now he has lost one more friend - a person he felt comfortable talking to about his feelings and depression, which is not so easy to come by.

There is nothing more I can do really. Just walk away for now, but if he ever needs me again as a friend be there for him