Need support - going to mediation soon

[oaktree43]

Hi I'm new....and have been building up the courage to write asking for support.

I have been married for 18 years and have just plucked up the nerve to divorce him. We have our first mediation session today and I am now losing my confidence. He refuses to leave the house and the thought of us both coming back to the house later on scares me.

He is a depressive and has been all our married life. He has left the house on many occasions threatening suicide when he has conflicts with friends/employers/me - I ring the police, he gets sectioned and comes home within 24 hours.

He does very little in the house or with the children - I have done everything. He uses emotional blackmail to get what he wants from me or the children. He blames his depression on his behaviour. He has never hit me but has made threats "the urge to drown you in the bath was so strong" etc. He is extremely intimidating and menacing when angry.

I am going to ask for sole residence - he is expecting me to share residency. I don't want to (too scared to) confront him about his abusive behaviour in the mediation. Should I? I am thinking of saying I am the best parent as he has depression. Thank you.

24 hour section?

is all this documented? do you have psych reports?

i would be very wary about mediation with him but understand worth giving it a go - make sure mediator is aware eg latest gp report or ?

depresison alone doesnt make him abd parent but the behaviours he has deomnstrated do - like my exP it is the mix of depression/anxiety/abusinve/controlling behviour - however you ened some evidence /record - have you had social worker invoivlement after any of the sections for example? how old are the DC?

mediation is not a place to confront someone about their behviours - it si supposed to be for mediating who has the kids and when and where ... confronting best done with trained psychologist .

simply - you cannot emdiate with someone who is exhibitibng intimidating adn abusive behaivours or is in throes of depressive /agreesive episode.

do it for mediator to record what he says /does but dont expect any solution from it.

have you his threats in writing eg email? or text?

but good luck and let us know - stay calm and just focus on what should happen with the Dc etc -produce records eg of how many times he has been sectioned/threatened suicide etc/

maybe you could use the sesison jsut ot foucs on setting a date for hoim to move out?
or where you shoudl move to with DC and some contact arrangements? how old are DC could they be with him unsupervised?

also what migh be impact of separation - will make him more angry/suicidal?? if so you need protection/support

sorri lots of typos

Remember that mediation isn't about him whining and getting his own way. You do not have to indulge him. Put yourself and DC first. You can't cure someone who is mentally ill by means of love and patience, and there is no need to sacrifice your own well-being to look after a depressive, particularly a tiresome one. By the sound of it, this man would be a dick even if not depressed.

This sounds far too much for a mediator to handle. Can you suggest that both you and H have a quick 10 mins each with him/her. They will insist on equal treatment. But if you explain the issues and why you are scared then she can stop mediation and suggest other avenues to sort out what are serious issues. This situation sounds highly unsuitable for mediation.

I went to the mediation process and I rang the mediator before the session to let him know my concerns regarding not being able to negotiate properly in front of husband.

It was as I expected I sat there unable to force my real concerns regarding his oppressive/controlling behaviour and husband downplayed his mental health.

I have a section document from husband's last suicidal attempt in 2006. The police were involved then. I also had to flee the house in 2005 with my 2 year old and I was pregnant. Husband had come into my bedroom at night and told me to get out as he was about to lose it and become violent. I fled to the neighbours and the police were called - after 4 hours of talking to husband the police had to break the door down to get into the house. Social services were involved then and I was allowed back into the family home 3 weeks later. I went back because I felt sorry for husband and didn't want him to commit suicide. How stupid was I. Got to go husband back home now...

I think the fact that he has threatened you makes the mediation impossible.

Did you tell the mediator about the violence? Do you have a solicitor?

i think you need to get out of the house or get him to leave before you try mediating contact etc. is far too dangerous for you and dc staying in house with this man when he knows what your agenda is and trying to control the situation.

please keep fully charged mobile on you at all times, have a bag prepared in case you need to flee again with DC.

i suspect he will try all tactics again eg threatening suicide.
does he have somewhere to go to?
do you have somewhere to go to? (maybe with a view to regaining family home for you and dc later on?)

so your dc are 7 and 6 now? what do they express about the situation?

Yes I have a solicitor who has recorded the incidents of suicidal threats/violent threats. She still advised me to try mediation. Zero however advised against going unless I felt strong enough.

I did feel quite confident before I got to the mediation session but as soon as I was in there I knew I couldn't tackle him about the emotional abuse over the years, the undermining, belittling, controlling behaviour.

The dcs are 9 and 7 and are aware that DH has a sadness illness which makes him either cry a lot, sleep all day or snappy with them. They are used to his behaviour unfortunately.

Now DH has us all dancing to his tune - "Daddy care days" where DH takes over the responsibilities of the dcs and I have to "not distract" them - the dcs are loving the attention. DH never shouts now - on his best behaviour with them. However, I get constant criticism for doing the laundry or cleaning the toilet on his days - he wants to save money.

Its the controlling manipulative behaviour I hate - he logs all our movements and conversations, hour by hour in his log book and I am constantly watching what I say and how I come across.

Its exhausting but the solicitor advised me it is difficult to get him out the family home we jointly own and getting back in may be a problem as I have shown that I can find alternative accommodation.

Thank you for all the supportive messages.

Contact Women's Aid and see if they can offer you any advice. He's threatened you, you're scared of him. I don't think your solicitor is acting in your best interests if she's advising mediation when there have been threats of violence.

Women's Aid - www.womensaid.org.uk/

Go back to your solicitor and put your fears on the table, he has made statements threatening to drown you fgs surely you can get an injunction and keep him away from you? Sorry to hear you are going through this

eh? how does cleangin the toilet save/not save money??

you simply cant use mediation sessions to address his behviour - and there is little point. he can just deny etc. you wont get anywhere.

if he wanted to change/improve your relationship then relate/family therapy woiuld be the place for that.

mediation is about sorting out practical issues coming to compromises on practical stuff - not trying to get him to admit his behaviour/change/ etc. you cant address his behavour at all - only he can.

for a court situation you need concrete facts and reports.

he clearly is planning to present something on you with his log - but i suspect it will just make him look "mad". you really need to talk to womens aid, about how to move forward.

ok so he great with the Dc on his days. fantastic! you need to live separately and Dc go between you. would he accept 50/50 arrangement?

(tho i am a little concerned given his history that this wont be safe for DC - but you need up to date info on his MH/behaviour - what happened in 2006 is too long ago.....

if you have to move out then so be it - i had to move out to rented accomodation with DC. in the end it was the only way out.

when could you move out?
would you take DC with you and then arange contactwith dad?

what is his MH status right now - as you say he is good with them on his days?

they old enough now to be able to tell you when something goes wrong - is he on meds now? what would GP report say right now?

realitically unless you ahve very brecent evidence of his MH getting in way of his care of DC then you could expect a court to award shared residence - you need concrete proof of recent events. his abuse to you wont grant you sole residency and maybe at this stage you ahve to accept that you will have to go for 50/50 - unless there is some very recent event which indicates he unstable.

can you copy his logof your convos etc ? also any recent gp or psych reports?

if dc happy with him and enjoying his company and dont seem distressed then frankly yes he will get shared residence unless you have some very recent concrete proof of his instability - his log might well be proof that he isnt quite "normal" but you would need to ask a solciitor... unless there are things in there that show you in a bad light and are actually true? ie be very careful from now, keep very calm, etc. try and get any threats recorded etc.

also call police next time he angry and shouting at you - you need all this recorded. dont just take it any more.

in the bsence of any new, recorded, event since 2005 you going to find it very difficult to prove anything is a problem now today in 2011 .

unless you have eg recent email in which he threatens you.

Love, you don't need, nor should do mediation if there is abuse. go to the session, tell them about the abuse, your fear for repercussions, and that you are scared of what he'll do, say etc and the papers will go to the court for you NOT to continue with it.

DOn't bother with mediation, go straight to legal process to get this arsehole removed from the house, barred from returning and his access to DC restricted. Women's Aid will help you. There is, by the sound of it, plenty of evidence to have him put firmly in his place and you and the DC protected from him.

Thanks for all the suggestions - on a roll now. Have spoken to Women's Aid prior to mediation who did advise not to go - but I went because I needed to know if I could stand up to and I thought I was strong enough. I underestimated him.

Spoke to Women's Aid today to say the mediation did not go well and they said they would put it in writing that I should not attend any more sessions. Also dealing with the solicitor has been difficult for me but the WA have said they are more than happy to come to my solicitor appointments with me from now on to get my issues across.

I am now logging all the incidents in the family home which I think is emotional abuse of the DCs.

Also got names of his psychiatrist he has been seeing this year and the psychologist he saw last year to pass on to the solicitor. Hopefully it will disprove his "I have been in good mental health for the past two years" which he expressed in mediation.

Thanks again for helping me stand up tall, realise there is no point negotiating with this man and just getting on with the legal process, however, difficult that is going to be.

My exp insists he has no mh issues (except when it suits) but consensus of those with more knowledge than me is he presents as someone with ongoing mh issues. Doesn't mean he cannot present as ok for hours or days but the over riding status is not quite with it...

Log every little thing and see if the dc will tell you things if you ask open ended questions